Long term perspective - 2 angles: BPD and Parental Alienation

[pessim-optimist]

Hello everyone,
It’s been a long time since I’ve been here last, so most of you will not know me.
But I want to share 2 positive stories. Sometimes it takes many years…

1.
My uBPD step-daughter is 36, and our grandkids are in their teens.
It would appear that for now, after the very turbulent five years, our situation has been mostly calm for the last two years. And while her return to a ‘milder’ case of BPD may be temporary, we’ll take it.

We are better off now than before: we have learned some tools and skills to better deal with her symptoms, we understand what is going on, and what we can influence versus what is out of our hands. We’ve gained a more detached perspective that gives us a clearer picture of things, and have healed some from past wounds as well.

We are starting to think that the severe 5 year period was mostly triggered by her husband getting out of the military coupled with her hysterectomy (there is some evidence that the surgery may upset women’s hormonal and subsequently psychological balance for several years. It would be only logical that if it can affect healthy women, it can affect women w/BPD as well). In any case, if she stays “better” we are ecstatic. If she gets “worse” again, we are ready.

2.
Time also seems to be on our side regarding Parental Alienation:
My husband’s younger daughter (32, not BPD) had been alienated from him in her early teens by the ex.
After she grew up, d32 and her dad made a few tentative attempts to reconnect with each other.
Between her own misconceptions about dad, her mom’s poison, and her older uBPD sister’s periodic lies about dad – a new relationship never had a chance. The last attempt ended in another complete cut off 5 years ago.

Since then, d32 has had children of her own and has been profoundly disappointed by her mother’s disinterest and indifference. It gave her the needed distance to start thinking about the past on her own. Also, she has learned about Parental Alienation through a friend of hers and has been to a seminar about it (Wow! That was a direct answer to our prayers).

About a year ago she started realizing she had been alienated from her dad, and in time (again, the timing was just right) her uBPD sister admitted that the horrible stories she told about dad were lies…

My husband’s younger daughter finally made contact about a month ago, and let him talk to her kids. This time it feels very different. We are hopeful, that after more than 20 years, things may be FINALLY turning around.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

That is so great about SD32!

Thanks for coming back and sharing. 

You're way ahead of me as a parent,  but since you were last on, I've realized how significant we as parents are for our children, and I've taken inventory about my BPD mom,  as well as the struggles with my uBPDx, not forgetting my role.

At the end of the day,  I also realize that children are people,  free to make their own decisions. Still, the parental bond goes deep, good and bad,  which is demonstrated by your story.  A toxic, though trusted, loved one can do so much damage. I'm glad that things are sounding hopeful in your family 

T

[wendydarling]

Hi there pessim-optimist 

How lovely to hear from you p-o, it's great to hear things are moving on, turning round for you and your family. There is much healing happening across your family you describe, long may it continue you and H deserve it. You've put in the learning and patiently worked at it through all the hurt is hard to do, as you say you've a better understanding of what's going on, how to respond to your situation.

What an amazing coming together for DD32 and your H, for her sister to be honest, able to recognise and say the truth.

Thanks for sharing with us, it means a lot, I wish you and family peace and love.

WDx

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you guys for all the good wishes!

It does seem like we are finally reaping the benefits of all the hard work, but a lot of it is also just a result of patient wating and coincidence or good timing (even though we do believe God has a purpose and a well thought out plan in all this).

We are delighted to be getting to know the two little grandkids (2yo & 4yo) over the phone and reuniting with my SD32.

We are also getting ready to visit our daughter w/BPD: SD36 and her family for a few days this month.

On the other hand, I would be dishonest if I didn't admit the feelings of sadness, anger, and even hatred over all the lost years with SD32 and her children thanks to SD36's jealousy and lies.

Also, while things are much better, all is not perfect with SD36 and her family either:
In the last two years, they moved 3 times into 2 different states, have gone into much debt, which thankfully they were able to recover with capital gains from the sale of their house (thankfully our son-in-law is ex- military, and can always get a zero-down low-interest mortgage).

She also encouraged her oldest (16yo) to propose to a girl one year older than him from the state they previously lived in. They were friends, and Sd36 thought she would be a "good match" for him. They got engaged (her parents said "all ok when she turns 18", and when she visited, SD36 took her wedding dress shopping  In the end, there was a dysregulating event, and the "wedding" was off.

So, what I am saying, even though "all is well" in our world, it is still a world with profound dysfunction present and lasting effects on our grandchildren.

There is a certain grief we will continue to have to face even in the midst of our joy.