Divorce and Custody

[Rainbowsky]

I've been going through a divorce for three years.  The marriage ended as a result of long-term, on-going emotional abuse towards myself and our children.  The process has been very long, stressful, and emotionally destructive.  My estranged husband has had an initial mental health assessment however he never followed thorough with the recommendation to pursue further assessment in order to pinpoint a diagnosis and formulate a treatment plan.  The initial assessment identified areas of concern however he does not have a formal diagnosis.  From my observation, he regularly and consistently displays 8 of the 9 characteristics of BPD.  He is a very high functioning BPD and his behaviors can be very compartmentalized.  The process of removing myself from the abusive relationship has been very difficult though I believe that I have maintained consistent boundaries and I have felt the gradual diminishing of the emotional impact of our 18 year marriage.  My children are older, 20, 17, and 14, and while the two older ones have navigated this process of setting consistent boundaries and holding their dad accountable for his words and actions, my youngest still struggles with the cycles of abuse.  My two older children and myself have gradually come to a point of having no contact with him.  My youngest rarely sees his dad and has recently gone through a several month period without any substantial contact with him however his dad has recently re-established contact with him and, with offers of expensive gifts and opportunities, has lured him back into the cycle.   
It should be noted that there is a significant imbalance between my financial means and those of my husband.  He has throughout the divorce process maintained control of all marital assets and he has manipulated his finances in order to gradually diminish our support.  Since 2002 he has been self-employed in a very lucrative business and I have been a stay-at-home mom since the birth of our first child in 1997.  A divorce settlement should alleviate some of this imbalance but I do not believe we are near to a resolution.
I'm looking for feedback as to how to help my son work through this difficult dynamic.  I have supported him by creating a stable, safe, and secure home and by encouraging him to trust his instincts when faced with the frequent anger, lies, and manipulation from his father.  I have attempted to empower him in his judgement and his evolving awareness of the destructive nature of his father's behaviour.  Initially, I had these discussions with him about boundaries and healthy relationships in the context of relationships in general (no specific mention of his father) but as he has gotten older and he has identified his own anger, frustration, disappointment, and distaste with the behaviours that he has experienced, we have occasionally discussed the potential for emotional harm in his relationship with his dad.  As he has recently re-established contact and it seems he is slowly wading back into the abusive patterns, I am concerned for him.  I am frustrated by the slippery slope that is this cycle of emotional abuse and I am frustrated by the lack of support for those who experience emotional abuse, especially in a divorce situation.  I have had difficulty finding legal counsel who understands the lasting harmful impact of emotional abuse and, even if they did understand, the law simply does not recognize it as it recognizes the harm in physical abuse.  My estranged spouse is relentless in his manipulation, accusation, mischaracterization, blame, lies, deceit, and control and I know that he will likely never acknowledge or address his illness.  I wonder what the long term effects on our children will be and I am fearful that we will have to endure his menacing anger, disturbing delusions, and ever-lurking, destructive presence forever.           
   

[ForeverDad]

My estranged husband has had an initial mental health assessment however he never followed thorough with the recommendation to pursue further assessment in order to pinpoint a diagnosis and formulate a treatment plan.  The initial assessment identified areas of concern however he does not have a formal diagnosis.  From my observation, he regularly and consistently displays 8 of the 9 characteristics of BPD.  He is a very high functioning BPD and his behaviors can be very compartmentalized.

Most of us here never did get a diagnosis.  And it seems that courts generally aren't concerned about a diagnosis or lack of one.  Nor do they try to fix people.  Our conclusion here is that they deal with people as they are.  So that means their behaviors and behavior patterns.  Yes, we were the closest ones to them so in that way we know them best, but court and the professionals don't consider us qualified to point to a diagnosis.  In addition, there is a spectrum of behaviors regarding BPD and other possible co-morbid PDs, therefore addressing the behaviors is more practical than labels.

I'm looking for feedback as to how to help my son work through this difficult dynamic.  I have supported him by creating a stable, safe, and secure home and by encouraging him to trust his instincts when faced with the frequent anger, lies, and manipulation from his father.  I have attempted to empower him in his judgement and his evolving awareness of the destructive nature of his father's behaviour.  Initially, I had these discussions with him about boundaries and healthy relationships in the context of relationships in general (no specific mention of his father) but as he has gotten older and he has identified his own anger, frustration, disappointment, and distaste with the behaviours that he has experienced, we have occasionally discussed the potential for emotional harm in his relationship with his dad.

If he does not already have a counselor, then that is an additional resource to consider for him.  As my lawyer told me, "Courts love counseling!"  As well, the school counselor may be helpful too.  Your past efforts that you listed above are very helpful as well.  Another one is Validation, helping him to see the bigger picture, looking from the outside in (objective) rather than just from the inside (subjective), guiding him to be more proactive and validating his correct observations and conclusions.

I am fearful that we will have to endure his menacing anger, disturbing delusions, and ever-lurking, destructive presence forever.

He evidently will never change.  However in time his presence will become less oppressive as his entitlement and power fade.  Not soon enough, but eventually the light at the end of the tunnel will get brighter and closer.