need advice

[Northeast]

just learning my wife has BPD, (she hasn't been diagnosed), we have two young children and I need advice on protecting them and divorce

[flourdust]

Welcome, Northeast! This is a supportive community of people with similar experiences. Can you say a little more about your situation and what problems you are dealing with right now?

[ForeverDad]

Hi!  You've come to a good place, we've "been there done that" and so we have extensive collective wisdom in peer support.  However, we're not here as lawyers so it would be wise for you to confidentially seek local legal advice on your options and strategies should your marriage implode or become unmanageable.  Confidentially means that you have a right to privacy and a right to seek legal advice privately.  We know how many spouses with BPD behaviors will interrogate and demand that everything be disclosed and apologized.  Well, remember that if a marriage is working then yes you share information but if it is dysfunctional then some things just can't be shared or else you'll be sabotaging yourself.

One surprising thing you'll probably learn if the marriage fails is that domestic court and the agencies around it generally don't care whether a spouse has BPD or gets diagnosed.  They're not going to try to change a person, rather, they will deal with spouses they way they are.  Most here have found out that courts generally pay more attention to the behaviors and behavior patterns.  (Courts pay more attention to the parenting behaviors than adult behaviors.  For example, if she rants and rages at you, they may not care much at all but if she does that to the kids it will be of more concern to them.)  That may be a perspective you'll have to face for yourself as well.  If she hasn't improved with your influence and efforts, will more years trying make a difference?

Actually, it's not that unusual for a spouse to resist your help.  BPD is a disorder most impacted by — and most impactful to — close relationships.  And what is closer and more obligated than a marriage?  In a marriage she may feel you are more obligated to stay and thus she is more free to let loose and expect you to suffer through it.  It's like they feel free to let "their hair down" and act out without limits.

You mentioned a healthy and practical goal, how can I protect the children?  Surprisingly, it is often hard for some here to Let Go the hope to fix our spouses.  But for the children's sake, and our sake too, we have to reorder the priority, children (and we too) have to be first, a misbehaving spouse very sadly must be of lesser concern.