The letter I plan to write...

[lpheal]

If anyone has the time or interest in reading, when I announce my intention to divorce I plan to do so in a letter. Multiple people have told me it will be safer for me that way. As this place has become my best source of information and advice, I wanted to share what I have so far and invite any comments from the gallery:

We have both sensed and feared for some time that our relationship is failing. You have been clear, consistent and direct about your unhappiness with me and our relationship. As we pass milestones and occasions that should be memorable, fun and even joyous, I instead feel increasing difficulty and disappointment. I was very much looking forward to this past summer and our trips to XXX and XXX and XXX. They were as enjoyable as I would have hoped, but very quickly after and again now we are back in the same rut we as before.

I have tried in every way I know to be a good husband. For the past year I have spent time a lot of time at work in the morning or late afternoon reading about communication skills and improving relationships, but at this point none of this has helped. I know there are days I fall asleep putting D3 to sleep when it would be better if I came back upstairs, but you need to know this often happens out of fatigue and exhaustion and not a desire to avoid you. Nights when I do come back to talk are filled with venting, anger and ultimately abuse instead of productive conversation.

I left the house that *day* out of both fear and frustration, but also with the sincere hope that things would improve. I do believe that there are two people in a relationship, and therefore both contribute to both the problems and the solutions. There is a feeling of emptiness in you when you are around me that I can’t ever seem to fill. When you are with long-time friends, I see a happiness in you that reminds me of when we first met. I haven’t seen that part of you when you are just with me in a long time. I no longer believe that I will be able to make you happy in this relationship.

I intend to seek a divorce, so we can begin to move forward as individuals (but still as parents) and both of us can find some peace and fulfillment in our lives. I no longer believe that healthy solutions are possible as long as we are living together in the same house. You have told me you need me to be a different person. While I have tried to change and adapt to meet the needs of you and our relationship, I also have to accept that I cannot change the core of who I am as a person.

While I understand and support the need to express feelings and anger, this has gone way beyond healthy expression and I can no longer accept the verbal and physical abuse directed at me. I was shocked by it at first and did not know how to react to it. I now see that I enable the behavior by continuing to tolerate it. I am not deserving of it. If the problem is truly your relationship with me, you deserve the space away from me to develop new healthy relationships and to become the best mother you can be for D3. If it is caused by other factors or internal issues that will be important for you to address if for no other reason than the sake of your relationship with D3. I will continue to be concerned about your emotional health in this area, but it’s my belief at this point that I cannot provide any effective solutions by living in the same household.

We will continue to have an ongoing relationship, as I am still and will always be committed to raising D3 in the best way possible under the circumstances. She is the brightest spot in both of our lives, and I truly believe she will need each of us in her life to the maximum extent possible. I want both of us to be the best parents we can be for her going forward. I now believe she has a greater chance at happiness with us apart. I don’t want her to model unhealthy patterns in relationships as she grows up, which is what our relationship has become.

I previously imagined myself as someone who would get married and stay married for life. It is and always will be the greatest disappointment in my life that this will not be the case. The process of looking at my own shortcomings will be mine to explore. Despite your fears, I have not in any way been unfaithful in our relationship. I think a man derives a sense of purpose as a husband by being a good provider for his wife, in terms of physical comforts, as well as emotional well-being. I have failed at this, and it hurts me more than I can express in words. However, I do not see a way forward for our marriage at this point. I see no way for either of us to achieve meaningful happiness if we stay together.

I wish this conversation and decision could be discussed in person. As you are well aware though, even our most simple, basic conversations recently cannot occur without them becoming over-heated and ultimately unproductive.

I know that your anger at me is real and intense, and this decision I am making will do nothing to diminish that. I hope that in time you will see that I have always cared for your well-being, and I will continue to do so. I can no longer do so inside of this marriage or living in the same house. I do hope we can work together to find pathways forward for each of us and for D3.

With deep concern and love,



Have I left anything out? Am I being too generous? Too harsh?

[livednlearned]

Hi lpheal,

Nicely done   for how difficult it is to write these.

You are a kind person and don't want to hurt your wife, and this is a good letter.

My main suggestions are based on what I went through writing a similar letter that my therapist helped edit. I'll say more about that in a moment, but I do want to say, too, that my son ended up reading the letter I wrote. My best friend in high school also got a hold of the divorce letter her dad wrote to her mom. I wonder how common this might be, especially in BPD marriages when boundaries aren't always upheld with kids. It's probably a good idea to have this in mind, even though D3 is still young. For that reason, is there anything you would or would not want her to read?

About some of the suggestions I made, my T recommended I remove apologies or guilt or regret or feelings of failure. I made a lot of assumptions about what my ex might want, or what he thought or cared about, and those were removed, too.

Now that I'm 7 years out, I can see more clearly what she meant. You are, in a sense, writing the letter for yourself now, but also for your future self (and unfortunately and possibly, for D3's future self too). In time, your wife's influence will recede psychologically and emotionally from your mind, and this is the letter where that becomes real.

Hope this helps.  
 

You have been clear, consistent and direct about your unhappiness with me and our relationship. I have tried in every way I know to be a good husband. For the past year I have spent time a lot of time at work in the morning or late afternoon reading about communication skills and improving relationships, but at this point none of this has helped. There are days I fall asleep putting D3 to sleep when it would be better if I came back upstairs, but nights when I do come back to talk are filled with venting, anger and ultimately abuse instead of productive conversation.

I am filing for divorce. I no longer believe that healthy solutions are possible as long as we are living together in the same house. You have told me you need me to be a different person. While I have tried to change and adapt to meet the needs of you and our relationship, I also have come to accept that I respect who I am as a person.

I can no longer accept the verbal and physical abuse directed at me. I was shocked by it at first and did not know how to react to it. I now see that I enable the behavior by continuing to tolerate it. I truly believe I deserve to be treated better. I know that I cannot provide any effective solutions for D3 by living in the same household.

D3 is the brightest spot in my life, and I truly believe she will need each of us in her life to grow up emotionally resilient and happy. I will be the best parent I can be for her going forward. I believe she has a greater chance at happiness with us apart. I don’t want her to model unhealthy patterns in relationships as she grows up, which is what our relationship has become.

I previously imagined myself as someone who would get married and stay married for life. It is and always will be the greatest disappointment in my life that this will not be the case. I do not see a way forward for our marriage at this point. I see no way for either of us to achieve meaningful happiness if we stay together.

I wish this conversation and decision could be discussed in person. As you are well aware though, even our most simple, basic conversations cannot occur without them becoming over-heated and ultimately unproductive.

I know that your anger at me is real and intense, and this decision I am making will do nothing to diminish that. I hope that in time you will see that I have always cared for your well-being, and I will continue to do so. I can no longer do so inside of this marriage or living in the same house. I do hope we can work together to find pathways forward for each of us and for D3.

I'm not sure about signing off with love  

Wouldn't that be confusing to D3 if she read it years later? Divorce is not an act of love, though I know it is very complicated and there is a lot of work to do unpacking those feelings.

The bottom line is that there is no way to soften the blow. And your wife will be in a different psychological stage than you are (this article might be helpful explaining where you two are at psychologically).

[ForeverDad]

What is it that impels you to want to write so much?  (I confess I too had such urges.)  It might even help, IF the conflict has not risen too high or especially your spouse has not gone to far down the Road of No Return.

If you're trying to explain yourself on why the marriage failed and that you tried, I doubt it will be received as intended.  If she's not listening to logic and common sense approaches then she won't be hearing what you write.  She'll read and hear what she perceives.  She's got a lot of emotional baggage from the relationship and much of this simply won't get through.  And what does will likely be slanted by her disordered perceptions.

Be especially wary anywhere you might accept some of the "blame".  Not wise to make apologies, as I think you did well by avoiding.  Such statements could be a springboard for her to convince herself (blame shifting) that you were abusive or worse.  I see this text and I can see that you're carefully trying to express that you don't want "venting anger or abuse".  Maybe you could somehow add that you don't want yourself or your daughter to be exposed to that?  (I just looked at what I wrote and I don't like that either.  Feels like one of those ":)amned if you do, Damned if you don't" dilemmas.)

but nights when I do come back to talk are filled with venting, anger and ultimately abuse instead of productive conversation.

At the end, and afterward, I never sent them.  By then I was permanently rejected.  Any time I did try to explain myself and how I reasoned my actions and responses, she interpreted it as excuses and it just triggered more blaming by her.  KISS - Keep it simple.  Just the basics.

In case you're thinking of getting some Closure from her, don't try, odds are that you won't get any from her if it's now at a high conflict stage.  Instead Gift Yourself closure in some other way.

What does your lawyer think of it?

[hope2727]

I understand the  urge to write. I did it. It was a disaster.

My suggestions are; yes write, expect only anger and  lashing out in return, and shorter... .so much shorter.

I know you want to express all that but she won't be able to receive it.

Forever dad is right "she will only hear and perceive what she wants.

Keep the letter for yourself. Edit an abbreviated one for her.

[lpheal]

Part of me says that serving her with a restraining order will send the message directly enough, and this letter isn't needed.

A DV counselor said to me that the safest way for me to inform her was likely to be in writing and not in person, so that is why I started with this mental exercise of putting some words on paper. Although that was before talk about an RO came up.

Most important to me is I want the letter to be helpful to me. I won't get closure from her, but will it help me reach it on my own?

Thanks for all of the input. It really helps!

[ForeverDad]

It has often been written here that it's perfectly fine to write a long letter expressing our thoughts and perspectives.  But instead of sending or delivering it to the stbEx they lit a candle, had an emotional calming moment or ceremony and burned it.  Or did something else with it.  The point is that we'll get more out of a long winded letter than the ex ever would.  That's why the ex would get a very condensed version.

Myself?  I've written to so many members here over the years that maybe that's my way, I've been writing my own Closure... .over and over.