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[ButterflyGranola]

Hello to all, this is my first post. I am married to my husband 25 years. I love him immensely yet it has been difficult from the beginning. I have attempted to leave our relationship a few times over the years, unsuccessfully. I want to stay if at all possible.

About 6 years ago he started threatening me that he wanted to leave or spend all our money and then come back and figure out what to do next. It came as a shock because I never knew he was unhappy with our relationship. Anytime he had a complaint I worked to fix it. Anytime I had a complaint he made it clear that I was the reason for the problem. For some reason I believed him so I worked to fix it.

I started attending codependency support groups and getting private counseling. I learned about different people personalities so I could better understand myself, but in the process, I started learning about my husband. I was going for help because I didn't know what was wrong or what I could do better, yet I was frustrated beyond measure that I couldn't please my husband--so when my changes for him ended up full circle I finally understood the problem wasn't me.

Years past, I often made excuses to our young sons for their father when he was angry with me or them (lots of yelling and blaming). I wanted to keep the peace and I wanted them to love their father. Once they arrived at the teenage years I stopped making excuses. I felt like I was lying to them, plus he often implicated me and I really didn't want my kids to believe his lies. Of course the teenage years include my boys attempting to grow into independent young men, so fights started to develop between father and son. My husband would become abusive.

When my husband grabbed a heavy metal object, drew it back and aimed it at our aspergers son I dialed 911, but hung up. I was terrified and took the kids with me in the car to get out of the house. We drove to a local park to discuss our options and I realized we needed to go to the police station and file a report. The kids were terrified of being seen there and of putting it in writing but I didn't give them an option. It was time for accountability.

Really, I think he started going ape-___ when I started to work on codependency issues and when I stopped enabling him. My boys and I ended up getting help through Safe Homes and that is when I realized I had a problem that I needed to face. All the women I encountered at the meetings were physically abused and they always seemed so much more healed than me. I never considered myself to be abused until those meetings and hated them more than anything else. What? I'm not a battered wife. What? I'm not modeling unhealthy relationships to my children. What? I don't have low self-esteem.

It has been less than a year since I started trying to figure out what was different about my husband. The healthy relational lessons I learned didn't really work, at least with him. They often back-fired. Everything I did and said was held against me. I started suspecting sociopathy. I watched videos on narcissism. Then jackpot, I discovered the author, Richard Skerritt, and bought every one of his books he had available. I still haven't read all of them. I keep them hidden in my room.

I am here today because I need a support group. Maybe even counseling. Reading a book or 2 or 3 is informative but I need to hear others and be heard.

My husband has not been diagnosed with anything. But I've lived with him our entire marriage and it has taken me a LONG time to figure out he has BPD, narcissism and/or sociopathy in varying degrees--or some personality disorder(s). I would love for him to get a diagnosis so he can see he needs help. I'm not sure that that will ever happen. I would also love to live without having my guard up or having to defend myself or our kids.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Butterfly Granola,

Welcome I can just hear the sadness and weariness in your words. I'm sorry that your relationship has been so difficult but you've found a great place for support.

It's pretty normal that when one partner in a dysfunctional relationship begins to get help that the other views this as a threat and takes things out on the healthier partner. Your H is probably scared that if you get better then you will leave him. He knows that he has not treated you well over the years, but doesn't quite know how to express that. Sadly though, he may never get the help he needs and of the hardest truths is that you can't force him to go either. There is hope for you though. YOu can begin changing your reactions and responses to him and that can help make things better for you.

Just to make sure I'm understanding, you and your H are still living together but in the past you have left the home?

We have lots of great workshops on the right side of the page that can help you begin to change the unhealthy patterns in your relationship. Is there a particular issue that is most concerning now?

[Perseverant]

Hello to you - I just want to say welcome, and hang in there. You have already taken many steps toward unraveling a long-term difficulty. I especially relate to your discovering that your H is actually the problem while you were sincerely trying to work only on yourself.

I'm concerned about the incidence of violence in the past. I've been there too. Are events like that recurring? Do you have an escape plan if you need to make a quick bolt for safety?