Advice on settlement details

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'm looking for feedback and opinions on a couple of the details related to my divorce with my soon to be ex. A lot of the relationship details are the same as many on this site so I'll give some background on post separation before what I'm looking for from other members. We are two and a half years separated. She filed in the state where we lived at the time three months post separation after she moved to our home state. Her reasoning for separation was to work on our marriage and divorce was not an option. She started dating her ex-boyfriend as soon as she moved back to our home state. I moved back to our home state five months post separation to be near our five children. We mutually dismissed the case in the other state early this year due to logistical reasons and her desire to reconcile (her first attempt). She never left her boyfriend so I didn't entertain reconciliation.

I filed again in September in our home state. When she originally left, I drafted a separation agreement where she had equal input and we had it notarized. When we dismissed the first case, everything associated with it was no longer legally binding. My new L told me that our original agreement was the legally binding contract. Evidently I had written that agreement in a way that has her waiving any alimony or share of 401k after June of last year even though that wasn't my intent at the time. Ex's L agrees that it is a legally binding agreement.

My question is should I stay this course and not offer any share of the 401k and no spousal support? I did offer an additional year of spousal support for her on top of the child support. The amount that I'm paying is killing me financially. She still does not have a job nor has she tried to. She claims that she cannot get a job because she has to care for our children. Our oldest lives with me. Ex's lives with her mother who has watched our kids while my ex goes out with her boyfriend frequently.

I have been told by my T and close friends that I should stay the course and allow her to learn how to take care of herself. I also added up all of the unnecessary cost incurred since separating and it comes up to a little over the amount of the 401k that she would get if she received half. Half of what was in the account as of the date of separation.

Any feedback and advice will be appreciated!

[40days_in_desert]

I'm looking for feedback and opinions on a couple of the details related to my divorce with my soon to be ex. A lot of the relationship details are the same as many on this site so I'll give some background on post separation before what I'm looking for from other members. We are two and a half years separated. She filed in the state where we lived at the time three months post separation after she moved to our home state. Her reasoning for separation was to work on our marriage and divorce was not an option. She started dating her ex-boyfriend as soon as she moved back to our home state. I moved back to our home state five months post separation to be near our five children. We mutually dismissed the case in the other state early this year due to logistical reasons and her desire to reconcile (her first attempt). She never left her boyfriend so I didn't entertain reconciliation.

I filed again in September in our home state. When she originally left, I drafted a separation agreement where she had equal input and we had it notarized. When we dismissed the first case, everything associated with it was no longer legally binding. My new L told me that our original agreement was the legally binding contract. Evidently I had written that agreement in a way that has her waiving any alimony or share of 401k after June of last year even though that wasn't my intent at the time. Ex's L agrees that it is a legally binding agreement.

My question is should I stay this course and not offer any share of the 401k and no spousal support? I did offer an additional year of spousal support for her on top of the child support. The amount that I'm paying is killing me financially. She still does not have a job nor has she tried to. She claims that she cannot get a job because she has to care for our children. Our oldest lives with me. Ex's lives with her mother who has watched our kids while my ex goes out with her boyfriend frequently.

I have been told by my T and close friends that I should stay the course and allow her to learn how to take care of herself. I also added up all of the unnecessary cost incurred since separating and it comes up to a little over the amount of the 401k that she would get if she received half. Half of what was in the account as of the date of separation.

Any feedback and advice will be appreciated!

[Panda39]

My new L told me that our original agreement was the legally binding contract. Evidently I had written that agreement in a way that has her waiving any alimony or share of 401k after June of last year even though that wasn't my intent at the time. Ex's L agrees that it is a legally binding agreement.

Stick with the agreement it's legal and it is in your favor.

My SO was also concerned with his wife being able to care for herself.  His mom said she is like a cat she will land on her feet and she sure did.  Your wife is an adult, she can and should take care of herself.  She is not your responsibility.

You are responsible for doing what is best for yourself and your children.

Panda39

[ForeverDad]

I agree with Panda39.  The children's interests come first.  You know that if you showed her kindness (financial kindness) that it wouldn't really be appreciated or reciprocated.  So don't fall for sob stories.  The children's futures first.

Of course if you legally had to share then we all know you would comply.  Us reasonably normal spouses too often don't have the upper hand in the post-relationship life.  So now that you have what might also be called Leverage, use your "upper hand" Gift wisely.

If it helps, look at it this way.  Most of us here, surely yourself included are naturally fair and reasonable people, probably what got us into and stuck in our messes.  By not Gifting her $$$ now, which would likely be spent unwisely, she should have added incentive to get a job and earn income.  (Whether she will is up to her as an adult.)  Then in future years you can relax and sometimes help her out — through the kids and for the kids.

Often there is no simple answer.  Evidently you had been married for a number of years.  Maybe in another state the legal status now would be different.  But the fact remains that your priorities are different now and the reality is that you need to focus on your life and the children's lives.  For example, if she says she needs $$$ you can encourage her to work and you'll assume more of the parenting.  After all, the oldest is with you, you can ramp up parenting with the rest as well.

As a father you've probably had an uphill struggle to be an involved parent.  Are you still only getting 25% time with the younger kids?  Sounds like alternate weekends more or less?  See?  You have an uphill struggle to be an involved parent.  And it seems she frequently dumps parenting onto grandma (her mother) rather than assigning that time to you (dad).

If she wants added $$$ maybe something could be worked out by you getting an improved official parenting schedule for you.  But understand that any deals need to be part of a Boundary.  People with BPD are experts at manipulation and finding loopholes to their advantage.

[40days_in_desert]

Panda39 - I agree with you that she needs to learn how to "adult" and take care of herself. I have stopped doing things for her for about eight months or more now. I did for a long time after our separation. I guess my question leaned more towards should I regardless of BPD or not. I guess if she didn't maybe she wouldn't be in the position that she is in.

ForeverDad - Yes, I have complied legally on everything aside from an occasional and honest human mistake. The year of spousal support for one year is a reduced amount. It has been an uphill struggle to be more involved even though she hasn't tried to take away my current visitation and has eventually agreed to requests for additional time due to special occasions. When she balks at these requests, I respond with, "Let me know if this requested time interferes with existing plans" knowing that she doesn't have existing plans. She eventually says yes. She is not budging on the additional time that I have requested in the divorce complaint. I thought about using the money as leverage for additional time. I'll talk to my L about that.

On another note, it should be no surprise that she has told me in person and via text that she wants to try and get back together. As recent as last night. She is still with her boyfriend and I don't think she realizes that, even if I wanted to reconcile, leaving her boyfriend would be the one act to actually SHOW that she wants to get back together. She had told me about 8 months ago that she wants to leave him but it is hard. I concluded that it was harder for her to lose him than it is to lose me forever which she has now done.

Thank you Panda39 and ForeverDad for confirming what I have been told by my T and other close friends!

[toomanydogs]

40 Days,
  I agree with what's already been said. Especially, since the original agreement is in your favor I'd listen to your lawyer and your T.
  Ironic, the disconnect that your wife has between wanting to reconcile and yet wanting to hang on to the boyfriend at the same time. Eerily reminiscent of my H.
Good luck,
TMD

[david]

I would follow your lawyers and T's advice.