I've seen things that could kill me

[PaticAttack]

So... .I was discarded/replaced, she was already starting that before we broke up.  I have been trying to stay N/C but have been struggling with that.  Every once in awhile I will text her some "friendly" shet.  I did the other day and a few hours after, she posted some pix on social media that felt like stabs at me.  One pic said, to the replacement, "I adore you".  That is something that I specifically told her I wanted to and from my partner.  What the ef is that?  And then a few day later I, addictively,  check my replacements SM and she is wearing the same scarf that my exBPD gf lent me.  Oh boy, the red that I saw after that... .I almost hung myself, but I did not.  This game SUCKS! I am finally making the choice to go FULL N/C!  I blocked both and am hoping that I can hold out and not "peak" again... .I think I was mostly looking for that confirmation that what I thought was happening/happened was really going on and not just in my head.  NOW I KNOW!  Here is one of my favorite musicians lyrics, if you havent listened to him before, he is amazing, also very depressed.  But this song in particular make me think he may have been drawn to pwBPD.   Thanks for your time and letting me vent.

 "Shooting Star"

You'll make the scene like you always do
Going upstream down the avenue
To ___ some trophy boy that you'll win tonight at the bar
So bad, so far
You'll make him sad
Shooting star
When it was me I was momentarily proud
Drunk on dreams now I'm glad I didn't say out loud
You said you'd be for real but I don't believe that you are
So bad, so far
You make me sad
Shooting star
You're distant and cold and a sight to behold
Everybody just sighs
But no one gets on with you very long
'Cos you don't feel bad when you lie
I'm going to sleep now, going back to find square one
Square two, beware, I can deal with the ___ you've just done
It won't be soon, to say the least it's gonna be hard
So bad, so far
Your love is sad
Shooting star
Your love is sad
Shooting star

Elliott Smith

[Hisaccount]

No contact is the right choice.

Your life is valuable to us.

It is tough not having closure. I did good at blocking everything so I couldn't see her or hear from her. My weak point was the phone bill. At somepoint I had this desire to know if I was right.
Yep I was.
So what do you think two people up at 4 am are doing sending pictures and videos back and forth. Like every minute for an hour. Oh not just one night either. Many nights. I have a pretty good guess because she used to do that with me.

I didn't need to know that, but in a way I did. It helped me see that I could never forgive what she did to me. that I would not want her back.  I or ME made that choice.
She chose to do that to me. It certainly helped me break that image of her being this amazing person that I would never be able to do better than.