I want to stay and yet I feel like I have to leave.

[fiftyfifty]

I've had an on again off again relationship with my BPD diagnosed boyfriend for a year and a half.  In the beginning I didn't really have a good understanding of the disorder but now I've read everything I can get my hands on and I'm starting to truly grasp that I am not going to emotionally thrive or even survive much longer in this relationship.  That despite my best intentions I can't help him, fix him or do anything to make his life better because only he can change his own behavior.  Yet, I can't seem to leave.  I think I want to and then the thought of abandoning him, proving his worst fears right and no longer having him in my life seems unimaginable.  I'm his FP and I'd be lying if I didn't admit that feels awesome.  It makes me feel worthy and special.  Except it can be gone in an instant.  A missed phone call, a misused word or something I don't have the first clue but he's splitting and giving me the silent treatment.   I really can't handle that.  It's the worst form of emotional abuse and every time it happens I completely break down and freak out.  It could be hours, could be days... .once it was 21 days.  During that time I try to convince myself that now is the time to move on, deal with the pain, and try to work on being a better stronger me.  A me that doesn't put up with this kind of emotional abuse on a consistent basis.  But... .he always come back, with the tears and the guilt and the sweet words.  My poor broken boy... .it's not his fault.  He can't help it.  I'm constantly anxious and on edge wondering where and when the next blow up is going to be or how long the current sweet loving period is going to last.   There is never any consistency, he admittedly concedes he can't be there for me emotionally because he can't see past his own problems.  I'm a hot mess myself suffering from anxiety, depression and low self esteem.  I feel trapped and unable to move forward so the cycle just continues to repeat.  I've wished many times he would just break up with me and mean it and never come back because I don't have the strength to leave him.   I feel like i'm addicted to him, the feelings I get from being his FP and when he's gone I physically feel ill like detoxing and all I want is for things to go back to "normal" so the pain will stop.  I'm obviously 50% of this problem as if I was emotionally healthy I would have walked away after the first crazy  fight or the second or the 99th.  All of my friends are fatigued beyond belief about hearing about this man/child and can't understand why I just don't leave.  Why don't I just leave?  I've left marriages, jobs, friendships... .I know I can because I've done it.  Why is it so impossible to break this hold he has over me.  I love him so much.  But can it truly be called love when it's only said in  words but never actions.  He loves to say he "loves me"  but I think he just loves to say the words, to have someone to say the words too.  I'm so overwhelmed and I don't know how to help myself.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Seenowayout]

Welcome Jasongirl!  EVERYTHING that you said -- I've been through.  And you'll find most folks on this board have  been through.  You're not crazy.  Your brain is telling you get out but your heart is not able to walk.   I don't know what you should do, I know what I hope you do. 

My heart also said stay, while my head said RUN AS FAST AND FAR AS YOU CAN!  After months and months of torment, I followed my head in a most passive aggressive way, and I left.  My only regret is I wish I walked out in a better way.  Anyway, it ended.  And I was a complete mess for months.  Like an addict.  Out of my head.  But now I'm going on 8 months of not seeing her and:

1.) I have a new real loving relationship, a girl who never scolds, never rages, never shames me.
2.) I am super successful at work, making money hand over fist in the last few months.
3.) I am reconnected with friends and family, they don't understand what I went through and never will.  But they're glad I'm back.
4.) I have perspective on myself and how I got into this mess
5.) I miss her and think about her every day.

Its way better than what the alternative was becoming -- constant drama with the two of us getting crazier by the day.  Mostly me.  I swear she made me crazier than she was.  And that wasn't good for either of us.

I don't know if that helps.  Just offering solidarity.  It will be a hard road, but so is any recovery process -- and you're worth it.

You are so worth it.