I get pushed away, the more love I give

[SurvivingBP17]

Spoke to her briefly last night. Basically, she doesn't respect me because of what I tolerate from her. She doesn't believe my lie is genuine because she is unloveable, so I must be screwed up to want the relationship.

I can't count how many times I've heard somwthing like this from my uBPDw. And of all the things she has said to me, I beleive hat this is a statement she truly believes. I've read many times that the dysfunction is a result of childhood trauma, in which the love and nurturing they needed was not given to them. And so they adapted to assume that they were unlovable. Or something like that. For my w any criticism from me, or any action she feels deems criticism from me, will trigger the "I am unlovable, therefore you can't possibly, nor should you, love me." But because she also can't outwardly admit to any wrongdoing on her part, she finds some way to blame me. In turn making me the unlovable one. And all the while, I believe she really wants me to show my love for her (which of course is outwardly rejected, but somehow inwardly appreciated).

It's a vicious tornado that makes my head spin. And right now i'm completely in the black, devalued, and demonized.

I love her though. And I am dedicated to taking care of her and our kids. And as difficult as it is, the more I understand her (through all of you guys, this site, and therapy), the easier it becomes to use the techniques being taught here.

Hang in there. Hopefully the storm will break soon, and you can enjoy the sunshine for a little while. Ever stood in the eye of a hurricane? One of the most beautiful experiences in God's world

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Who even is she?]

I have just ended the relationship. I'm not sure how I am going to get through but hopefully I will.

[once removed]

stay with us. we can help however this goes.

what happened?

[Who even is she?]

Went to see her to talk. She was high. Upsetting as all I asked for was a sober conversation about what we were going to do with the situation.
She doesn't want to live with us anymore, she can't control her use even to have a conversation, she doesn't want responsibilities, she just wants to be high. I told her I hadn't given her any ultimatums but if after everything she still doesn't know if she wants to be with me then this is the end. She wants to be with me but she is sure she can't be consistent with that. At the very least, I have no relationship stability with her and my final call was if she doesn't know if she wants me then I don't want the relationship. (In a nutshell). This took two hours, purely because she was high.

[Who even is she?]

I feel like I've made a mistake. It didn't end well...
Just been reflecting on the other comments regarding my expectations for her ability to make decisions... :-(

[once removed]

this isnt all about her, and not every decision you make should take her feelings/abilities into account. 

your expectations arent "wrong" in the sense of what you want in your life. only that they present some problems if your goal is to have her in your life. thats what we are trying to help get aligned, whichever direction you decide.

its a new day. how do you feel? what, if anything, do you want to do?

[Meili]

Hey Who even is she?,

I'm sorry about the turn of events. Sometimes it is difficult to see what we want or need or the path to follow to get there, or how they fit together. Prioritizing and reconciling our wants and needs can get even more difficult when things that we want and/or need are in conflict. As once removed said, we're here to help align what you want in your life with your path to the future.  

[Who even is she?]

Hello.

New turn of events.
Had an incident at work yesterday pm and called her as she is my only real source of emotional support other than here & knows my work well. She was very attentive and supportive, drove straight over after work and bought me chocolate... .no mention of what had happened during the day at all, until I did myself... .I said that we should have the convo again and I shouldn't have tried while she was UTI. She also apologised for using prior to. She said it's like tunnel vision.
We were intimate and she said: you keep 'getting' me, meaning, she can't help but not want to be with me/us. (I pointed out that she was making it sound like I'm manipulating her in some way), she apologised and said that shes been trying to be cold and rude to push me away, because she's trying to protect us.
So. A convo re-sit Wednesday night and depending on how that goes, I asked if I could sit in for a bit with her psych on Thursday to see how I can best support her.

I'd really like to hear thoughts on what's happened as well as consensus on bringing up BPD traits during this appointment. Obviously it'll be with Bp consent.
?

[Who even is she?]

Forgot to mention that I have an appointment for a menatal health care plan for myself to see a psychologist for support. Either way, I need it.

[Meili]

Good for you for paying attention to your own mental health.

It is generally suggested that you not mention BPD. It can trigger a shame response which leads to rejection and fear of abandonment. Besides, her choices are not actually what you should be looking at. You cannot control her so it's wasted energy. You'll serve yourself much better if you look at yourself and what you decide to do.

What do you plan to talk to her about on Wed?

[Who even is she?]

I just want to pay credit to this site and it's members. What an extensive and massively supportive source of learning and strength in receiving! Thank you so much.

The plan is to talk about what got us here, which was relapse and her feeling punished, and the consequences from this that have really been taken to extreme unnecessarily.
Last night I made a decision to start going through the coursework and I did see the mention of not bringing up BPD. I also watched ending conflict and wrote notes to consider my triggers and how to respond using S.E.T.
So, I wrote out what I wanted to say using these guidelines then sent her my writing. Purely because if she can't control her use, there's no guaruntee she will be sober when we talk, and I don't want to feel let down by that happening again.
So I have to say the SET way of comunicsting worked well, she replied saying; thank you for being so amazing, everything you said was gorgeous, I won't come to see you high".

In a non BPD mind, that's so crazy that how I speak needs to be that way! But I really empathised and am really beginning to get what it is to be emotional caretaker and the responsibility that comes with it. I am starting to see that guideance of how to 'stop the bleeding' was definitely what was needed. It's hard to get your head around basically relearning a whole new way of communicating! That is going to take time and practice.

[Who even is she?]

I would NOT have been able to do this without BPD Family help. It's completely foreign to me to need to speak to another adult like that and in a lot of ways feels very strange indeed! I'm so used to just speaking my mind and being very open, raw and passionate. Clearly that would be like an emotional tornado to a pwBPD.
Again, thank you.

I'm wondering how to access the coursework for radical acceptance, as the link previously provided just explains the concept and then there's a discussion board on it... ? I've started listening to Tara Brach meditations as a way of managing my own anxiety and letting go of my expectations and accepting.

[Meili]

It's good to hear that you could see a change. Please don't get discouraged if one or both of you stumbles. It happens to us all. And, yes, it does take practice. The good news is that you can practice on any and everyone. The communication skills discussed around here apply to every relationship that we have and can improve life greatly.

It also helps to know that SET is not the only tool that is available to you. There are others here. SET and DEARMAN are two that are most talked about however. It helps to learn which to use, when, and why to chose that particular one.

All of this might feel strange because we are not taught by society or the media to do these things. Movies just depict a type of raw passion that makes the other person's heart "melt." Those are movies though and this is reality.

For instance, we are not taught to talk about our own feelings. This is especially true for males. It's really easy for us to use you statements to discuss what we are experiencing because of what we've learned. It's much harder to understand that is a horrible communication skill and that I statements will get us much further in life.

We are in this situation because you relapsed!

vs.

I felt angry and frustrated and like I had no choice at that moment so I walked away.

Both are discussing the same thing, but the first one is accusatory. The other person's natural reaction (BPD or not) is going to be to JADE (justify, argue, defend, explain). The situation will likely escalate quickly. The latter is merely expressing how you feel or felt. It's hard for the other person to argue against your feelings.

The lesson on Radical Acceptance can be found here.

What is your objective for the discussion and how do you plan on presenting things?

[Who even is she?]

So I've decided to consider committing. Committing to ending conflict, emotional caretaker Etc. I would like to say I am committed, but honestly I will need to practice this as it's like another language to me. Hence my indecision, mostly because; how do you learn another language over night? So I've requested some understanding from her that I need some time (and patience) to organise support for myself to change some unhealthy behaviours I'm bringing to the table.
Really looking forward to getting some serious support for myself. I do need a great deal of strength and a confidante.

[Meili]

I like how you said that. You acknowledged what you need and kept the focus on yourself. That's good.

I know that it seems like focusing on yourself can be selfish, but, if you think about it, it really isn't. It's for the other person's benefit as much as it is yours.

When I was still new here and making the same decisions that you are facing, I stumbled across this old thread about staying in a relationship with a pwBPD. It was a great help to me in organizing my thoughts and looking at the big picture. Maybe you'll find some benefit from it also.

[Who even is she?]

I haven't quite worked that part out yet. ... I feel like there's not much else to say, unless she has anything to say? If that's the case I just need to remember my triggers and how to respond. She usually has very very little to say though, wether that's due to fear of my default response or because of her detachment I don't know. But I'm happy to just take day by day. Thursday is her psych appointment, so that's the next step for me, asking how to best support her through addiction and depressive episodes.

[Who even is she?]

Great! Thank you for the links. I'm committed if nothing else to go through the coursework on this site in order to better understand everything and it's really starting to feel more 'level', like I'm not losing my ind and walking on eggshells!

[Who even is she?]

Up until last week I have felt it selfish and literally between all the conflict and drama have not prioritised my own mental health. But when I have reflected on how co dependant my emotional response has been, it is clear that I absolutely need to help myself. Today I looked back over the last week and thought, woah. This is so completely unhealthy...

[Who even is she?]

I invite change for my sake and my families sake. It feels good and right.

[Meili]

I feel like there's not much else to say, unless she has anything to say? If that's the case I just need to remember my triggers and how to respond. She usually has very very little to say though

Validating, and perhaps more importantly, not invalidating should help her open up and tell you more. Validation feels good, we all like it and it helps us feel safer to say more.

Something that you might try is reading the posts of others here and practicing the skills like being empathetic, validation, and the communication techniques. It will help both you and the other members learn. After all, we are here to support one another and help each other learn.

[once removed]

this is a big transformation Who even is she?, and i think youre tackling it with precisely the right approach, and as i said, we will be here for you every step of the way. youre really taking this by the horns, and im excited for you.

the cool thing about the communication tools is that they work well with everyone, not just people with BPD. i use them all the time. practice, practice, practice, with everyone in your life. they do feel unnatural at first, but pretty soon they will come quite naturally.

when you mentioned bringing up BPD traits to her psychiatrist, i wasnt clear on something. is your partner diagnosed? if so, and she or her psychiatrist bring it up, i would primarily listen. if not, im entirely with Meili, do not bring it up. and generally speaking, ask questions about how you can best support her.

one other bit of advice: take your newfound knowledge and help others on the board. not only will it feel good to help others, but it will challenge you, and build your problem solving skills.

[Who even is she?]

Hi guys.

More turn or events... .*sigh*
Wednesday morning, text message; tried to give her an example of how her feelings are creating the facts, cold again. No emotion... at this point I became quite cranky and cold myself. I put so much energy in and it gets robbed so quickly. Anyway... .I started feeling extremely spaced out and like I was losing touch with reality, like my brain was beginning to dissociate. It's been such a massive week :-(. At one point I thought she was gaslighting, when she was referring to coming over to talk, then I freaked out and realised this is emotionally abusive. That threw me into fear and a depressive state. I have been subject in the past to some serious emotional abuse by caregivers as well as partners, so I am vulnerable. I didn't realise that until that night.
10pm came around, and she's playing cards with friends whilst getting a spontaneous tattoo... .eeek. For me, more anger & frustration, add fear to that. In 2 night I'd had 3 hours sleep, told her not to bother coming over. Then couldn't sleep, so I tried to make contact, told her that I believed that she did that deliberately to avoid seeing me. Correct. She ignored me and this tipped me over the edge because by this stage I was scared, angry, frustrated, felt disrespected and confused! Called her and she finally answered, begged her to stop hurting us, me, our future. Cold, rude, awful. I told her that I was beginning to become scared of her and felt like I don't know her anymore. That I felt emotionally neglected and abused. She said that she was deliberately abusing me so that we will hate her. In her words, "because you deserve better & im a c@&t!"    WOAH.   Blind sided... .
I cried and cried on the phone pleading with her to stop, she said she is aware of what she's doing but is going to continue to do it. I was a mess, ended up cutting the conversation short, because I literally had no words left. :'-(  after the call, text; "I do love you but I want to be alone, I want to continue this relationship because your not worth losing".
? Around lunch she asked how I was. I said "bad, I am worth losing". At this point I was really beating myself up because I thought I'd left emotional abuse in the past. But that's the nature of it, insidious.

Today, nothing.

[Who even is she?]

Felt a bit better though today. There's no victims, only volunteers, I kept telling myself. Got some exercise, saw my ho for care plan and am feeling level again. Decided if she was not going to speak to me with respect, that I would disengage. Tonight, tried to communicate and she was rude again. Started using S.E.T immediately and communicating with love. Thinking through the eyes of Bp. She came around but wouldn't talk on the phone, only text. S.E.T texting . She's feeling depersonalisation symptoms and hateful. Hateful of herself...
so here I am. Gobsmacked at how screwed up everything is. Did get a "love you" at the end which was different!
Yesterday I realised more than ever how much support I'm going to need through this. Wether I like it or not, I am vulnerable and I need to stay empowered and level, she caught me off guard the other day and I realised another one of my triggers.