Fresh break up part two

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I see some progress in myself, slowly but surely I can see the toxicity that I called a relationship; as my friend told me today, " at some point your heart will catch up with your brain". The two are in constant turmoil, by brain says it's all wrong, but my heart screams for that love and adoration that was showered upon me during the early stages, but I know that will NEVER happen again; by all accounts, this has been a ROUGH stretch in my recovery period ; I woke up this morning in tears, not sure what prompted that, but I embraced it , only lasted for a minute, so that's a step on the right direction, still have not run into my x , and I'm not trying to at all!

[Teddy1953]

I see some progress in myself, slowly but surely I can see the toxicity that I called a relationship; as my friend told me today, " at some point your heart will catch up with your brain". The two are in constant turmoil, by brain says it's all wrong, but my heart screams for that love and adoration that was showered upon me during the early stages, but I know that will NEVER happen again; by all accounts, this has been a ROUGH stretch in my recovery period ; I woke up this morning in tears, not sure what prompted that, but I embraced it , only lasted for a minute, so that's a step on the right direction, still have not run into my x , and I'm not trying to at all!

[Turkish]

It gets better with time.  Members told me that,  but I didn't believe them.  But after time,  it got better.  4 years out, I had lunch with my ex and our kids today, and it was OK.  Focus on being a survivor. It's painful now,  but it helps. 

[Teddy1953]

Thanks TURKISH, waiting for that magical moment when the fog lifts , and clarity prevails! B T W, is your pen name from the movie SNATCH , with BDAD PITT and JASON STATHAM ? My all time favorite!

[Turkish]

It's the name of one of the pet rats my ex "forced" me to give up in order to move in with her.  His companion was named Tommy  

[Teddy1953]

So, REALLY thought I was seeing some light at the end of the tunnel, back in a tailspin, seems my B P D  EX, is seeing, or spending time with a co worker; now grant it, I know this is par for the course, while I sit here BLEEDING, over a relationship I thought was so real and GENUINE, she's out partying and having a grand old time! Again, I am completely aware of the fact that this is textbook behavior on her behalf, grab for the next step on the ladder, get a firm hold on it, and let the other fall! HOW DO THEY DO IT! How in the world can they go from one turbulent, what I thought was real love, relationship, W T H? A part of me admires the fact that she can just shrug this off and move on to someone else without the slightest bit of remorse, ANYTHING! And with a co worker no less, with other people in my office knowing that this was going on, smiling to my face and acting like nothing is happening! I've taken the high road, PUBLICKLY, I've not said anything , to anyone involved that I know what's going on, but PRIVATELY, I've taken quite a hit emotionally; I knew this was on the horizon, but never imagined it would be so FAST, personally , I wouldn't ever DREAM of seeing someone else because of the fragile and broken state I'm in; man this is painful, I am disgusted in myself for not handling this better , I'm just confused

[CloseToFreedom]

Grieving for the relationship that was (especially when broken up with a BPD) takes a LOT of time and the process isn't very linear at all. It really can take months. So don't feel down on yourself that you're hurting on some days, being angry on other days, etc. You will go through so much different emotions.

When I broke up at the end of 2014, it took me all of 2015 to get over it. I was depressed the first few months, wasnt able to work, was on anti depressives, couldn't get out of my house. By spring 2015 it became a bit better and during the summer and fall I was able to get a social life and work on myself, and there were even days that I was something resembling to happy.

THe most important part is to keep as much distance on your ex as possible, that also means not looking at social media, not talking to her, trying to make sure that no one tells you what is up in her life. Those things set you back. And grow stronger, because there's a BIG chance she will start talking to you again. I always thought it would never happen to me but all through 2016 and 17 I was recycled about 6 times. Believe me when I say that this will NOT have a good outcome, it will just be to scratch an itch she has and it will be shortlived. Don't go waiting on it, because you should be scared to death when she reaches out again. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

About her going on with her life, please remember that you being sad about the death of the relationship and grieving is the NORMAL way to process things. What she is doing, hasting in going on with her life and finding someone else, is classic BPD-behaviour. She must go on because being alone and grieving the relationship will give her bad feelings, which in turn will make her think bad about herself, which BPD can't handle. Believe me when I say its mostly superficial, they are never truly happy deep inside. They weren't with you and they aren't with someone else. My ex got a replacement in a month of the break up and everyone told me it would blow up, I wouldn't believe it but sure enough, in a year she was already reaching out about how crappy her current relationship was and a year after that they split up. During one of our recent recycles she trashtalked her ex a lot. That's what BPD do with all her exes, including you, because they have to believe you are to blame for everything so she can remain a victim and she doesnt have to paint herself black.

There is no way to have a nice life with her, not without years and years of abuse, arguments that don't get resolved. You will try and try and lose pieces of yourself in the process, until there is nothing left of you to suck out of and they will leave again, or you will get serious illnesses thanks to the years of stress and they'll leave as well. I know it is hard to see now but please try to remind yourself you have dodged a huge bullet and will be happier in the long run.

Dont beat yourself up about feeling bad. Accept the feeling, let it go through your body, don't try to push it away, as then it will just take longer to process it. THis is the healthy way to grieve your relationship, it is okay, we've all been there, I've been there and I'm going through it right now again as well.

[Teddy1953]

 Thank you closetofreedo, your words are truly appreciated, but this is INSANE! It feels like this gaping wound , that I THOUGHT was healing over, has just been ripped open and I'm spewing emotions I never THOUGHT I HAD! It's like the very first day all over again! Yes I have blocked her, changed my e mail address, I'm not on ANY social media, haven't been for years, which of course my ex LIVES on, pictures and updates on how wonderful her life is ( so I'm told, I'll stop listening to people NOW), it's as if I NEVER existed, like this was just a bleep on her radar screen which she has destroyed! But to this day , takes zero responsibility of ANY AND ALL wrong doing in the relationship, blames EVERYTHING  on me , and the way I MISTREATED HER! This has been a very disappointing set back in my so called recovery, I'm close to tears at any given moment , SO disappointed in myself, for one, being sucked into this world of a B P D, and the other, the pathetic way in which I am behaving ! I AM A COMBAT VETERAN, and I sit here and mourn the loss of a woman who wouldn't give me the time of day if a asked for it; thought I was STRONGER THEN THIS;; some nights I'd wake up in a cold sweat from old issues, crying my eyes out, she would hold me and get me through it, now to realize it was all an act breaks my heart in pieces

[Harley Quinn]

SO disappointed in myself, for one, being sucked into this world of a B P D, and the other, the pathetic way in which I am behaving ! I AM A COMBAT VETERAN, and I sit here and mourn the loss of a woman who wouldn't give me the time of day if a asked for it; thought I was STRONGER THEN THIS;; some nights I'd wake up in a cold sweat from old issues, crying my eyes out, she would hold me and get me through it, now to realize it was all an act breaks my heart in pieces

Hi Teddy,

I'm glad you posted about this as it gives us new insight into your suffering.  Do you think/know that you had PTSD from these old experiences?  It does appear this may have been the case and in fairness, it is extremely traumatic to lose someone you love (and more so the breakup with a BPD partner due to the intensity and likely trauma bonding we experience during the r/s) - perhaps this is also exacerbating an underlying issue for you.  The emotions we face in the aftermath of a BPD r/s can be overwhelming, and it's possible you had other stuff that also needed to come out too.  Have you spoken to your T about this?

Love and light x

[Harley Quinn]

Just to add, it's not necessarily true that it was an act.  I believe that she loved you the best way she could for as long as she could.  Try not to hurt yourself more than you are already by becoming disillusioned about the reality of your experience.  To both of you it was real.  Unfortunately she was unable to maintain it past a point from which there was no return for her.  Think of it as love having stages and a pwBPD only being able to experience the first part.  When the initial flush of euphoria and being 'madly in love' passes, that triggers disappointment and abandonment fears.  She did care about you and wish to comfort you.  She probably related to your anxiety in that moment and wanted to soothe you in the way she was unable to soothe herself.  We could reframe this and be glad to have had that experience with our emotionally tortured exes for at least a time.  For a while there, we were their salvation.  The sad truth is that BPD relationships are for the most part just not built to last. 

Love and light x

[Teddy1953]

Yes h q, very sad, I'm broken all over again; for the most part, I keep my P T S D IN CHECKfor years, with occasional therapy, and meetings , BUT THIS seems to have opened every emotional wound I EVER had! That's one of the reasons I feel so betrayed! I told this woman EVERYTHING! I bared my soul , I left NOTHING back, I felt safe , loved, wanted, I let all my guards down for this woman, I put myself AND my heart in her hands, and she stomped on it! Yes I know she has a serious illness, but DAM IT, what about me , I know the answers to all my questions , I'm just venting , I'm hurt, alone , and confused, sorry for the rant

[Teddy1953]

Haven't posted in a while ,REALLY thought I was getting over this until I saw the X out and about with a guy who works for me. WHAT A KICK IN THE HEAD! Drinking, laughing, all over him, having a good old time like nothing EVER happened; I know this is typical B P D behavior , BUT SO SOON, and why in the world with someone that works for me? She's met him before with me, now I sit back and wonder if this has been planned all along while she was planning her escape, and her expulsion of me. WHAT THE HECK, I'm still breaking out in tears in the middle of the day when I hear a song that reminds me of her, and she's out doing to me what she did to her X husband, when she targeted ME! I DONT GET IT, how could I have been so blind, how could I have let this happen? Why am I STILL torn up over this woman, when she obviously has moved past me like I was never there! I try and get angry, hoping it will extinguish my broken heart, but I am still under her spell!  No doubt , they are most likely sleeping together, which makes the wound that much deeper, and good lord I KNOW this is best for me to be away from her, but MAN IT STILL HURTS!

[Harley Quinn]

Teddy I'm sorry to hear you saw that.  It's got to be brutal for you.     I was lucky in that when I finally saw my ex with another woman I was past the hardest part and between that and short sightedness I came off quite well.  That's often not the case here though.  Just know that you're not on your own.  Others here can relate to your pain.  If it helps to write down your thoughts to get those feelings out, then do so - perhaps in a journal or share here.  How do you self soothe when you are feeling very upset?  What works for you to help you to move through these feelings?  Time to pull out the toolbag.

Love and light x

[Teddy1953]

Thank you H Q, your insight and advice does not go to waste , fortunately , I have a good friend who has been through this, and just found another buddy who is going through the EXACT same thing I am going through. It's like B P D people are EVERYWHERE ! They walk among us without detection, and they only way to identify them is when we are BITTEN by them , and by that time , it's TOO LATE, the damage is done , they have cast there spell on us, and there blood runs through our veins like a vampires! My X has taken to SOCIAL MEDIA, to voice her displeasure in me, how I BROKE HER HEART, how controlling I was , etc., etc. , fortunately I am not on now , nor have I ever been on any of those sights, but our mutual friends are still on them, and it just feels like it's a ploy to " smoke me out " and try and get a reaction out of me, but I'm not taking the bait . I know my friends tell me these things with good intentions, but I have nicely asked them to keep that nonsense to themselves . It just FEELS like a week thought out plan for me to break my silence, and get back in touch with her, but it's not happening! I have been EXCLUSELIVLY NO CONTACT , for the last month, ( seems like years) , but I will not break my silence, it's bust another bull_ _ _ _ game she is playing to mess with my head, that being said , this REALLY sucks

[Harley Quinn]

It does and hearing about what she is doing or saying certainly doesn't help you to heal so it was wise to ask the friends to stop sharing this stuff with you.  Gradually, with actual space, your head will begin to slow down with the thoughts of everything and you'll find you can appreciate the benefits to yourself of being able to step back from things.  Self preservation is the way to move forwards so I'm glad to hear you're not wanting to keep up with her movements etc.  Definitely the healthy way through.  Hang in there.

Love and light x

[Teddy1953]

So what TRULY amazes me me is how effortlessly, my B P D X , has transitioned into another full blown live in, one big happy family relationship; yes I am fully aware they CANNOT be alone, and I am also aware of the relationship ladder she constantly climbs, not letting go of one, until the next one is firmly in place. She did it with me, not leaving her husband until she new I was hooked, now she has done it with some one else, some one WHO WORKS FOR ME, who I have to see EVERY DAY! Talk about a kick in the head! Why in gods name do that? I am very proud of myself where as I haven't let my anger and frustration out at him, I am polite , courteous , but to the point when we have to interact; part of me feels empathy for him, and I honestly don't blame him, well , not totally, I know how she operates, she came at him HARD , just as she did me, the ultimate and constant victim, ALWAYS  choosing the wrong man, HER ENTIRE LIFE! I've taken the high road, it is a difficult one let me assure you; all those intimate moments we shared, all the " you are the love of my life" speeches I heard, now they are being told to someone else, who I'm quite sure she has been cultivating for quite some time; with that all being said, it still is painful to me, I'm not ashamed to say I still grieve over her, but my mind is telling me, as is my therapist, RUN, RUN HARD AND FAST! I know my heart will catch up with my head, sooner or later, and I'm thankful for the true friends I have found during this ordeal, but my pain is still real, but I am working hard!

[Teddy1953]

Just writing my thoughts down , for no other reason then just to vent; today is VETERANS DAY, typically a BAD day for me, now with all this other emotional baggage I am lugging around only seems to compound things; I have two things that cannot be explained to people who have not been in those positions, my B P D breakup , and my P T S D , which always seems to rear its ugly head when I'm at my emotional lowest, which just happens to be now! All in all, I think I am handling BOTH simultaneously , and with a great deal of restraint and insight of what's going on in my head. The big picture is I am alive and well, healthy, and by the grace of God , in one piece, I'm damaged of course , by my past and most recently my B P D experience , which I would not wish on anyone, but I am working hard at being whole again, my past relationship has stripped me of a lot, confidence, self esteem, and love for myself, trying hard to get back what was so rudely taken from me by a very sick individual

[drained1996]

You will find exactly what you need, as long as you keep your process.  It's our own faults that we find ourselves in these situations, something I'm pretty sure you're beginning to grasp.  Emotionally healthy, no way we would have endured the things we went through.  Knowing that and keying on our own weaknesses, and beginning to stick up boundaries that protect ourselves is a good sign we are willing to move forward.  The work does not stop there, as we have plenty to learn about ourselves and how we may improve.  Good thing is, next time you'll be more aware of boundary orientation, and whey lines are crossed.  The silver lining is that done right, our recovery process can make us a unicorn catch for a healthy adult relationship with another healthy adult.  So easy... .even a caveman could do it. 

[Subaru02]

Hey Teddy,

Going through something quite similar as you I didn't ever think of suspecting a disorder on her part but I always knew something was off. I spent years trying to understand the way she thinks and behaves. I spent years trying to rescue her from herself and her self image that is completely distorted and heavily dependant on the mirroring of others...

Over the years I stopped mirroring the positive image I once did during her idealization phase which was really strong. Thats when our relationship started to fall apart, her true colors showed. Meanwhile I continued to make more mistakes, some that made her lose the fragile trust she had in me.

She lined up another lover and left me falling off the proverbial ladder within days, she painted me black, talked about me behind my back to all her friends and family when she was still complimenting me giving off infatuation weeks before. Then her new lover ditched her after 2months. She came crawling back, said she realized how immature she was and we started off as FWB because I was still extremely hurt that after this 3 year relationship, she could just dive into another relationship within WEEKS. I was completely off balance, I had never thought she could behave like this. I decided to keep seeing her as I Was working outside of town and we had mostly sexual encounters and started getting closer. She was able to completely switch back to "loving ME" within months when prior to that she was completely hateful towards me during the breakup.

She started talking about being "official" at the 5-6 month mark of seeing each other and I continued to keep her at arms length because I didn't trust she loved me for real. We kept going, the relationship became toxic at times, she was extremely jealous, needy and clingy in general but wouldn't commit 100% and that in turn got me to sit on the fence as well. We had promised to keep each other aware if either one went on a date or started seeing someone else to respect each other but without any notice of her behavior she was lining someone else up while I was away from work. Now this being the second time I still didn'T see it coming, I think part of me didn't care or couldn't believe she'd do it again. I had decided not to stalk or spy on her or even look through her phone at all, that if she was hiding anything it would be on her, I didn't want to be MR.DETECTIVE and get all paranoid !

So after an argument in August she announced she was ready to move on that our relationship was going no where. I agreed. The sex was not enough anymore to keep me interested, I could only see how annoying and toxic she was when around for more than a couple days at my place. Her behavior made me bitter, and I was very impatient with her but she never realized my behavior was a result of an accumulation of hers so she was blaming me for being MEAN and UNAPPRECIATIVE of her... .She truly believes she has done nothing wrong. Anyways so 2 weeks after agreeing to our breakup I find out she's seeing this new guy who got transferred from the military. They barely know each other, no one knows him around here and she's sleeping with him.

At first I thought "Remember last time when you found out about her new guy how she behaved? If you confront her about it you'll get the same treatment" and I caved in after 20ish days, I confronted her and said I can't believe you are once again sleeping with another guy 2 weeks after our breakup and you are now "seeing him" too. We spent 3 years together, you left for someon else, came back, spent a year with me again to repeat the same cycle?"

She devaluated me like NO OTHER, she painted me black, justified her actions on the fact that our relationship was bad anyway and that I was just making her feel like she was worthless to me and that I was always judging her... .I was at times, her actions made no sense, her reactions and decisions too, but these people cannot take any shame/guilt or blame even when they are absolutely WRONG.

So in conclusion : In her head, I'm the bad guy (twice) and these new guys are always better than me but she compares them when she hardly knows who they are giving them all these qualities that I never had apparently... .

I went NC, am now at 65 days and she hasn't contacted me at all, she deleted our facebook pictures from her profile, I don't know why she needed to do that frankly... Its been very painful to see a lover transform themselves into such a hateful person when they meet someone else, but now that I've read so much on these forums, I understand a lot of her behavior is indeed textbook and trying to apply reason and logic to her actions is just tormenting the h-ell out of me, I tend to overthink and overanalyse and if I look back at my other relationships, all of this would never have happened with a girl that has a normal mindset.  I've had my share of experiences with recycling an ex lover with what I believe to be BPD, and I can tell you there definitely is something really defining about her fear of being alone, her greatest fear was always that I would leave her for someone else, she would often wonder what I liked about her and question whether I loved her for real. She talked me right out of being interested in her and I bet a lot of you could agree that jumping into relationships like she is doing, is inhibiting her growth and learning about relationships and herself because she blindly falls for those giving her attention. She went through a lot of pain when her new guy dumped her so quickly last year and I was too nice and opened my arms and took her back, today here I am again in pain, where is she?

Thanks for reading.