Court proceedings

[SES]

Ex has issued court proceedings against me asking that she has kids full time, and that I have supervised access.

Note: I'm in UK

I received the court papers this evening, I missed a signed for postal delivery, which I collected from the sorting office tonight. She went to court ex-parte on 13th. I had no idea.

Court ordered adjournment for 20th (today). I didn't receive the papers.  I wasn't served them, her lawyer sent them by mail on 18th timed to arrive day before court.

I now realise what the CPS referral was in aid of (made on 12th). CPS closed the referral, stating it wasn't child protection, and instructed the school to meet with me (as I had requested).

She alleged that I am neglecting kids by not engaging with the school, and refusing therapy for my daughter.  These are identical to the false allegations made by the school.  In addition loads of false stuff like making derogatory remarks about her, threatening to beat her boyfriend up, stopping the kids from going on school trips, etc.etc. She asked for ex-parte due to my risk of fleeing with kids! I work full time in a responsible job, I have just submitted my PhD thesis, just had two research papers published.  This weekend I am taking the kids horse riding and to a modern dance show.

To-date... .she entered into a written agreement with cps re boyfriends alcohol use when kids in their care, their arguments in front of kids and not to physically chastise kids (he hit daughter at 8am when drunk and during argument with ex- ex ended up with a cut on her face). She has also been caught out being out of the country when she was responsible for the kids (daughter needed to be collected from school- but wasn't as a result). Plus she has a police caution for domestic violence. And she was under the care of crisis mental health services after being assessed under the mental health act (to determine if should be detained in hospital). I have a screenshot of his dating web profile in which he brags of his frequent use of hard drugs.

I am assuming that the court didn't make an order in her favour today, as I collected the kids from school without any problems. Lawyer got me to email court tonight to advise why I didn't attend today (had no knowledge of it). Have to wait till Monday to find out what is going on.

I would be grateful for any thoughts.

[flourdust]

Are you working closely with your lawyer on this? Does he seem to be assertive in making sure your rights are protected? Her lawyer is obviously working to disadvantage you with the last-minute delivery of papers, etc. You need a lawyer who will work just as hard to make sure that doesn't happen.

[ForeverDad]

One thing that surprised me about court was that it had a different perspective on things than us regular people.  For example, my last time in court where I was back seeking majority time (I already had full custody) the magistrate stated in the decision at least 5 or6 times that ex was disparaging me and concerned that it even was in front of our by-then 11 year old son.  (Yes, it took some 8 years to get that in writing from the court.)  The testimony also included some school teachers who remarked mother was shouting and upset for son being on an overnight school field trip under teacher supervision.  So guess which had more concern from the court, me proving I was repeatedly disparaged and yanked around at exchanges or mother acting out on a field trip.  Yep, the field trip.  I got my majority time but only during the school year.  That school year part was thanks to the teachers' testimony.  The magistrate gave her "one more try" for equal time during summers.

I found that technicalities meant a lot to my court.  Fairness, not so much.  My ex got a hall pass from court, "not 'technically' in contempt of court", simply because she ignored the order's terms because the old order had ended and the new order was considered too new to apply.  (It was a vacation she took with son without written notice or any verbal details within a few weeks of the final decree.  She didn't just not tell me but also didn't tell the school she was leaving for a week out of state with son during the week after Spring Break.)  She didn't even try to give the required notice with either the old or new orders but the decision stated ex had an "inability to comply".

Understand that courts love counseling.  So you may need to explain WHY the counseling for the children had issues you were concerned about.  You can, and should, state that you really are in favor of counseling but certain concerns need addressing so that the children (and the handling/reporting) are not manipulated or used to develop complaints and allegations.  Maybe it's that you want to be involved as much as mother is involved.  (My ex successfully blocked me from son's counseling that she arranged during the entire divorce.  She had a temp order very much in her favor and so she naturally delayed the divorce process to delay the inevitable fixes that we'd get in the final decree.)

[SES]

Thanks.

Unfortunately it is the weekend, so lawyer not around. She did email me to instruct that I email court with apology and explanation of why didn't attend.

I realise that I have an uphill battle due to ex and my experience of the school.  School made allegations of neglect against me to cps on same day as ex applied to court.  Cps- didn't have any concern, didn't accept the referral. They did understand that the school has a ling history of not engaging with me, and instructed school to hold a formal meeting; which the school has not acted on.

School also alleged that I had declined therapy for my daughter. Something that hasn't been discussed with me, and two independent expert assessments did not recommend therapy. What cps did tell me was that ex had referred daughter to mental health services, something I knew nothing about (and breaches parenting plan).

In exes court papers she alleged that I speak so badly of her and her partner, that my daughter makes allegations that her partner hurts her.  I feel alarmed by this as ex and her partner ended up in a written agreement with cps regarding partner assaulting daughter when drunk at 8am. My daughter reported that she wished him happy Birthday, and that in response he hit her. 

I assume ex didn't get a court order at the second hearing, as I was able to collect kids from school. If she had a court order giving her custody, and me supervised access, then she would have collected the kids. 

I knew that ex would be difficult if went to court. Despite this, I still feel shocked at what she alleges. For example, she alleges that I have threatened staff in school and other agencies (counselling companies), and as a result they won't offer services for risk of harm to their staff. This isn't the case... .if it had been I would have faced arrest, and would have lost my job.

I have emailed lawyer the paperwork and my initial thoughts.  I have had 50:50 care of kids for over three years. My kids like it.  I only hope she doesn't get more, or all, custody.

The CPS referral was stressful. And this is stressful too. 

[SES]

Ex managed to get a temp custody order at court on Friday.

[ForeverDad]

I'm sorry to hear that.  But probably all is not lost.  This was a hearing where you weren't present.  You weren't provided sufficient notice to appear.  Almost certainly there's a hearing scheduled for you to be involved in the court's process if it was handled as an ex parte hearing.  If not, then there ought to be a notice how to object.  You (or your lawyer) would need to file an objection or file for a reconsideration, seeking the temp order to be set aside and a new hearing.

Does it mention a future hearing date?  Get on the court's web site and see if a future event is scheduled.  Much of what comes next will have to be handled or at least guided by your lawyer.

[SES]

She has had the order since Friday, but hasn't served it on me yet. Until she does it isn't valid. I don't understand why she hasn't served yet. I still have kids. Our scheduled handover was Wednesday. I have a suspicion she will serve it herself at the handover.  :)ue to school holidays, I have had them 10 days, then won't see them for 10 days. I am hoping to submit application to set aside decision today. Lawyer hopes for quick return case regarding putting aside, but makes no promises about timescales.  

First hearing she had was ex parte. Court decided it wasn't an emergency, thus scheduled a hearing did me to attend. Her lawyer should have served the papers on my lawyer, but instead ex  posted them to me signed for delivery. I work, thus wasn't in to sign for it.

I am not sure how much more hurt I can be.  This is by far one of the worst things I have ever experienced. The order states I can only have supervised contact.

[flourdust]

She has had the order since Friday, but hasn't served it on me yet. Until she does it isn't valid. I don't understand why she hasn't served yet. I still have kids.

Is it possible that she likes the validation of an outside party (the court) siding with her to beat you more than she does taking care of the kids?

I am not sure how much more hurt I can be.  This is by far one of the worst things I have ever experienced. The order states I can only have supervised contact.

Oof, I feel for you. That is a tough blow. If it helps ... .you know the expression, "win the battle, lose the war"? Your job is to develop a sound strategy with your lawyer and go into the next hearing much better prepared - and focused on the arguments and evidence that will help you.

Around here, an order for supervised contact strongly implies that the court believes you are not a responsible parent, to the point of potentially being dangerous to the kids. That's serious stuff. You need to understand why the court believes that -- and you need to address those concerns realistically, not minimize them. Face up to your own parenting history honestly, and if there are problems there, or even the perception of problems, you need to work to fix them. What do the issues seem to be?

[SES]

Well, the main problem was I wasn't in court for the hearing. So the court didn't hear my side.

Ex alleges that I am neglecting their needs, not letting them socialise with friends, threatening professionals, mentally unwell, and that I chopped their toys up with an axe.

I don't agree with any of it. We saw friends (of their ages) last weekend and this weekend. I would loose my job if I made threats towards anyone. I have never had an axe, and haven't smashed toys up.

Ex has police caution for DV, and had to enter into written agreement with CPS regarding her behaviour towards kids nine months ago.

I know I'm not a perfect dad. But I am not any of these things. I am certainly not a risk to my children. CPS have been involved enough times due to ex, and have never made any recommendations to me.

I have made application for order to be put aside in grounds that I wasn't present, and exes lawyer misled the court by stating I had been served papers (when I can prove by postal tracking data I received then papers 10 hours after the hearing)

[david]

MY ex made lots of claims that I was abusive towards our boys. Eventually the courts figured it out since she never had any evidence to bolster her claims and the kids were fine with me. She then went full steam that I was abusive towards her. Still no evidence but the kids weren't witnesses against her claims. I was jailed because of one of her lies and purchased a video recorder and also a small audio recorder. I let her see me video recording whenever she was near me. After that she always brought that up in court. It is illegal in my state so the judge yelled at me. I continued. That started in 2010 and since then I haven't had a single accusation against me. Funny how that worked.

[flourdust]

That sounds encouraging, SES, if her claims are completely baseless. The risk is that you enter into a he-said she-said situation with no evidence presented on either side. In that case, it comes down to who is more persuasive (and pwBPD can be very emotional persuaders) and how much the court wants to minimize risk. She says you have an axe, you say you don't have an axe -- the court has no idea if there's an axe or not, but to be safe, it rules in her favor.

So, you need evidence to counter each of her charges. CPS reports, photographs of non-chopped toys and the kids playing with friends, letters from therapists and teachers, witnesses who don't report being threatened by you. Etc.

[SES]

The axe allegation relates to when we moved out of our house three years ago. She claims I chopped the kids toys up.

We see friends regularly. I take them to horse riding lessons every week they were with me.

She alleges I'm mentally unstable. Probably why she added an axe to the equation.

My lawyer looked at her application and said it mostly related to old/past stuff. She thought the order was made as I wasn't there, and ex suggest I am a danger. The order says I can apply to have put aside. Lawyers papers ask for judge to set aside on grounds that wasn't present, and court was misled. She hopes a judge will put order aside without hearing, and child arrangement returns to 50-50. If hearing required, she hopes it will be next week.

My papers also state that I will apply for full custody. Exes partner bragged of hard drug use online (have screenshot),  her partner hit my daughter when drunk at 8am, they both had to sign an agreement about their behaviour towards kids. She has a DV police caution. I took an injunction against her due to DV.

[SES]

Thanks Flourdust, I do appreciate it.

Apparently I threatened a counselling company, so that they had to take steps to protect their staff from me. I already sent my lawyer a lovely email from them, in which they acknowledged my willingness for them to give therapy.

Ex says that cps had to make lots of recommendations to me. Something I am completely unaware of, and certainly wasn't in their correspondence.

[SES]

My lawyer also said that court didn't agree with ex that it was an emergency, as at ex parte hearing ex was instructed that I have to be present.

[SES]

Managed to get court order set aside at hearing today. Judge noted that my ex made lots of allegations about me, but gave no evidence; but she was presented with a copy of exes and her partners written agreement with CPS regarding their conduct towards kids.

[livednlearned]

Does this seem encouraging from your perspective?

What happens next?

[SES]

Hi Livednlearned,
It is a relief. It is also encouraging that court saw through some of exes allegations. Judge stated that the order should never have been made. The next steps (here in UK) are two more hearings. A formal hearing in December followed by a judgement hearing next year. I had a barrister representing me. He advised that he saw little to worry him in exes allegations. He advised to settle for nothing less than 50-50.

[david]

Make sure you protect yourself until then. My ex charged me with assault. I never laid a hand on her of course. However, domestic violence charges are a scary thing today if you get charged. I was found guilty of disorderly conduct and put in jail for two weeks.
I talked to several lawyers, who are friends,  and they all thought I was not being totally truthful. I told them to look it up and they all said that I should never have been put in jail for a disorderly conduct.
I purchased a video camera when I got out and I made sure ex knew it. I was never accused of anything since that time. That was in 2010. Before that, from 2007 until 2010,  I had three protection orders filed against me and the assault charge. Legally I am not allowed to record in my state but I can't think of another way to protect myself. I would not be allowed to present it in court but I could show it to the police so I wouldn't get arrested to begin with.

[SES]

David, that sounds awful.

My ex has a police record for assaulting me. However, in her court papers at the hearing she states that she is a victim of domestic abuse. I record all interactions with her, and on three occasions with Police have used recordings to successfully demonstrate what actually happened.

I think I always knew this would end up in court. A few months ago I remortgaged in order to have funds just in case. She recently inherited money, so she is now in a position to start legal proceedings for custody.

[david]

The recording device stopped ex very well for me. She actually brought it up in court several times and the judge yelled at me because it is not allowed in my state. I can handle being yelled at so it is not a big deal. I have very strong boundaries with her and she has tried, in the past, to try to get around them. Fortunately, all her attempts have been unsuccessful.

[ForeverDad]

I had a barrister representing me. He advised that he saw little to worry him in exes allegations. He advised to settle for nothing less than 50-50.

This may be the time to step forward and request majority time and more than typically vague 'joint' custody.  You may not get what you ask for but at least it will document that you see a need for more stable parenting and will step forward for your children.  The point is to not just ask for what you think or hope to walk out with.  You need to be a strong and proactive parent.  And not entitled, controlling or punitive.  Although if you've lost parenting time you could ask for make-up time.  In my case, my ex had blocked all father-child contact for 3 months before we had a court hearing and neither magistrate nor lawyers pondered make-up time.

If you believe majority time would be better, then ask, the worst that can happen is that the answer is 'No' or 'Not that much'.

If you believe more than typical joint custody would be better, then ask, the worst that can happen is that the answer is 'No' or 'Not that much'.  For example, you can point to her latest court action as documentation her parenting approach is worse than obstructive to your parenting.  It may be unlikely that you can get full custody at the first request.  But it's okay to start a history of such requests and including the reasons why.  Then you could politely offer your "solution" (if full custody is not acceptable at this time) and request Decision Making or Tie Breaker status.  That way the judge can keep you two officially at joint custody, which they prefer, but assign you protections for your parenting.  First, if there is disagreement on major issues then you can proceed without having to go through mediation, a parenting coordinator or a court petition that could take months to resolve.  Second, it would be up to the other parent to legally contest your decisions.  Your ex would be the one with an uphill struggle, not you.

[SES]

Foreverdad- thank you. Yes, good suggestions. In my application for her court order to be set aside I also made an application for full residence.

I am really pleased that child arrangement went back to 50-50 in interim. I had booked and paid to take my son away next weekend for his birthday, which was shelved due to her order, but is now back on.