Wife has hit bottom again

[4my2kids]

Hey everyone,

My wife has BPD.  I'm 35 and we've been married for 11 years.  We have two kids ages 8 (boy) and 5 (girl).  We didn't learn her Dx until after our second child was born.  She's been in therapy for about five years with varying degrees of success.  I've been in therapy too for that amount of time, learning how to cope and dealing with my own ___ from growing up in a fairly dysfunctional family.  

Recently things have been going pretty well... .she's been able to open up about her Dx more and talk with me about it.  Life has calmed down from the early days of our marriage (when I thought everything was my fault and I couldn't do anything right) and we've been in a good place.  

Out of nowhere this weekend she has hit rock bottom again.  Claiming she's worthless and broken.  That she doesn't deserve the life she has (kids, house, husband).  That this is all she ever will be and it's hopeless.   I'm sure you guys know the drill.  

Besides my counselor, there is nobody I can really talk to about this so I found this community.  Looking for support, advice, answers and suggestions.   Above all, I want to take good care of my kids and protect them.  

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[pearlsw]

Hi 4my2kids, 

Welcome to the family! Sorry to hear that your partner is feeling so low. Since your wife has been in counseling for 5 years and has a diagnosis is it a topic you can safely discuss with her and provide her some direct support with?

Since this site is for people who are in relationships with BPD the tools here will be most effective for you in training yourself to interact with her in a way that could lead to improvements, or at the least help you maintain mental clarity and not feel so confused and low yourself. I have taken an approach with my partner that we are team about this. Just by showing him lots of understanding and support (via the tools here, not what I previously thought I knew about relationships) I could bring more hope into the relationship for both of us.

I think the links from the right side of the board about Listening with Empathy and Don't be Invalidating are the ones that could possibly help her feel understood and supported as you begin to implement these notions.

May I ask, are you sure it is "entirely out of nowhere"? Have you spoken with her and asked her what's going on, what may have caused this sudden shift?

[pearlsw]

Hi, I've just noticed I am not the Queen of Links, yet, so let me give you links that properly direct:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy

https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

[isilme]

H will do this, too - hit a period especially if he's been particularly hard to live with, and the shame of his actions overwhelms him and he falls into a  big depression.  It's a hard place to be, to want to lift them up without excusing the bad behavior. 

I have found that for me it helps to see the BPD as an emotional disability of sorts - I can hold on to less hurt most of the time with that mindset, and so when he falls into this pit of despair, that's just another symptom... .and if I've let go of the hurt and anger myself, I can more easily tell him to not dwell on it, that I am not dwelling, and all we can do is move forward from today, yesterday already happened and is done.

[4my2kids]

Thanks, pearlsw and isilme.  It's so hard to find that balance between encouraging her to lift her up and always rescuing her and excusing bad behavior.  I will check out the links and resources.  Listening with empathy is so hard for me, especially when the anger is directed at me.   I find it so hard to disengage and not feel attacked.  Reading some of the things on here has helped me re-frame her condition as an illness... .more like a lupus flare-up.  Idk... .It's hard.   Especially when she feels that the kids love me more than her and says those things when the kids can hear her.  My son (8) is super-sensitive to her and just wants to help make her happy.  I'm worried about unhealthy enmeshment there in the long-run.  Both my kids have pretty high anxiety.  Wife knows she is impacting them adversely and right now just really hates that about herself. 

May I ask, are you sure it is "entirely out of nowhere"? Have you spoken with her and asked her what's going on, what may have caused this sudden shift?

It does really seem like it's out of nowhere, although it's always hard to know what's really going on in her head.  I asked her if something in particular triggered this latest episode and she just said, "It's in my blood and my brain.  There’s nothing I can do to escape myself.  Doesn’t matter how good I do, It always comes back. I’ll never be normal and you are always going to hate me for it."

[isilme]

I can feel blindsided by some outbursts or depression episodes when they happen, but in hindsight, I can usually look back and see that there was the potential for a storm (he was hungry and sugar was low, his family was coming soon, he was worried about some deadline coming up, etc). 

We can't "catch" them all.  And it's not our job to regulate them, just to protect ourselves (and any children) from the drama as much as we can.  Only they can work to improve themselves.  As we change our reactions, we usually find that doing so can stop "feeding the fire" that keeps arguments going. 

One thing to note - just because they claim to be mad about XYZ, does not mean XYZ is REALLY the source of the upset.  Like, forgetting an item at the store can result in a huge rage, but the upset is really rooted in a lifetime of feeling ignored and abandoned, mostly by his mom.  I often realize when he's yelling at me for things I "always" do, he's actually yelling at his mom.  I just accidentally reminded him of something she did all the time that I actually did not do, but the event triggered the moment, and therefore the old emotions came out.  My forgetting steak sauce at the store reminds him of feeling ignored by his mom (who left her abusive 1st husband with H as a toddler in tow, and his older sister, got re-married, had baby #3, then ompleted school and worked full time his whole life, meaning he's the middle child in all of this), and to him has to be a deliberate act - be perfect or you really don't care. 

If you look back, you may find cycles of dysregulation that are now somewhat predictable.  he will start to be more and more depressed as winter approaches and sunlight wans.  He will start to be more irritable about visiting his family and his siblings as the holidays approach.  He will be sad when holiday break ends and we return to work, he will be especially moody during the colder months. 

He is sad when he's had a really bad streak of rages.  You are still learning about BPD, and how it affects your W's actions.  I'd keep some private notes, maybe, to help you see patterns.  Also, if she's been medicated recently, or had any changes to medication, she may be having a reaction to that.  Seasonal changes can affect her, too.  It may be several things compounding on her, and may also be her reaction to shame at how things were going.  Some pqBPD shift from being very aggressive and overtly angry to be "right", to making themselves victims in a world where no one could love them, poor them, no wonder they got mad.  It's all tied in, and since emotions = her truth, can be hard to decypher.