He seemed genuine and I can't get my head around it

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

And I am sure I have asked this before. The distortion, is that real?

Example. He had been picking at me all day but I managed to keep calm and deflect however 4 beers later he blew. We had sat at a table for dinner and the waiter brought us drinks and bread and then came back 5 minutes later and told us the particular meats we were wanting were off the menu. We said we would go elsewhere but I had already eaten 3/4 of my bread. So I said well I might as well finish the piece I had started as I couldn't put it back.

He went ballistic, told me I was an embarrassing _____. Then told me I had been a ___ the night before too. People heard, the waiter heard.

I was so hurt and embarrassed but I lost my temper, I'd had enough. I called him one too, not a word I ever use and threw enough money on the table to cover drinks and bread and stormed off back to the apartment. I had his wallet in my bag so he couldn't  carry on drinking or eat but I wasn't thinking of that. When he came back he went mad, blaming me and I hit him, I know I shouldn't have done but I was so angry and frustrated and sad, he had been quiet and nice for months and I had waited for this holiday for so long and had been so happy. I cried all night and didn't sleep but in the morning it all kicked off again and he swore blind it was me that called him it twice at the table, that he hadn't said it at all. He really truly hand on heart denied it and if I hadn't been there I would have believed him. I apologised for hitting him but he wouldn't  admit to any wrong doing, said it was me that was drunk, I wasn't, I only had two small wine whilst he'd been throwing beer down his neck all night. He really truly cannot remember what really happened, twisted it all around on me. Says I am mentally ill. Holiday ruined, relationship over. I remember feeling sick with misery but the more I tried to get him to remember ! The worse it got.

Can they really distort facts like that? It seemed genuine and I can't get my head around it? Sorry to have rambled on but so confused.

[Sadly]

And I am sure I have asked this before. The distortion, is that real?

Example. He had been picking at me all day but I managed to keep calm and deflect however 4 beers later he blew. We had sat at a table for dinner and the waiter brought us drinks and bread and then came back 5 minutes later and told us the particular meats we were wanting were off the menu. We said we would go elsewhere but I had already eaten 3/4 of my bread. So I said well I might as well finish the piece I had started as I couldn't put it back.

He went ballistic, told me I was an embarrassing _____. Then told me I had been a ___ the night before too. People heard, the waiter heard.

I was so hurt and embarrassed but I lost my temper, I'd had enough. I called him one too, not a word I ever use and threw enough money on the table to cover drinks and bread and stormed off back to the apartment. I had his wallet in my bag so he couldn't  carry on drinking or eat but I wasn't thinking of that. When he came back he went mad, blaming me and I hit him, I know I shouldn't have done but I was so angry and frustrated and sad, he had been quiet and nice for months and I had waited for this holiday for so long and had been so happy. I cried all night and didn't sleep but in the morning it all kicked off again and he swore blind it was me that called him it twice at the table, that he hadn't said it at all. He really truly hand on heart denied it and if I hadn't been there I would have believed him. I apologised for hitting him but he wouldn't  admit to any wrong doing, said it was me that was drunk, I wasn't, I only had two small wine whilst he'd been throwing beer down his neck all night. He really truly cannot remember what really happened, twisted it all around on me. Says I am mentally ill. Holiday ruined, relationship over. I remember feeling sick with misery but the more I tried to get him to remember ! The worse it got.

Can they really distort facts like that? It seemed genuine and I can't get my head around it? Sorry to have rambled on but so confused.

[Lostinanother]

Sally,
I honestly believe that the distortion is a big part of their sickness. I went through the same things again and again. I knew 100% that she cheated and she denied it and denied it for a month and even went so far as to cut herself to prove that I was driving her crazy with “false accusations” it was only later that I tricked her and said that the guy was a friend of friend and I had found the truth from a friend that she admitted that she had had sex with the guy... .it’s crazy making behavior at the most extreme.
But your SO doesn’t sound like the type of guy you want to spend your time on. Who calls the woman they love a c*nt?

[Sadly]

Thanks for replying. It's just so weird. I swear I almost believed him myself. To him he wasn't lying. To him it happened exactly as he said. I had to go over it time and time again in my own head as he virtually had me convinced it had happened just as he said and not the way I knew it had. Very frightening. How does that work?

[MeandThee29]

It's called "gaslighting" after the old black-and-white movie. Here's a good article: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ambigamy/201701/everyday-gaslighting

They're manipulating your reality in order to maintain their position in the relationship. I got so beaten down that at times that I believed it. Despite having lovely relationships with our children and friends, I felt like I was horribly messed up and mentally ill after awhile, incapable of any healthy relationship. I was codependent too.

This isn't at all healthy.

[Sadly]

Thank you MT29, it is a good article and explains a lot. Weird, I struggle to imagine a brain doing that. He is a very intelligent man, I think he would be one of the type that it happens to unconsciously, all odd though and frightening and debilitating for me. I wished he had read more, but he said it was me that had the mental problem anyway, feels sorry for me. I do but it's not that particular one.
It's all devastating.

[lovenature]

PWBPD have psychological defences such as splitting, all of these defences boil down to them making up their own reality to fit their emotion of the moment. They are so sure and convincing because it is their reality, and they are capable of literally seeing things that don't exist.

You have been here posting on the detaching/breakup crises board for a long time Sadly, I empathize with you and realize how painful it is trying to leave a PWBPD. I'm sorry you are hurting.
It wasn't until I learned enough about BPD and my role in it, and stayed NC long enough that I started to recover. While I am still recovering I am doing much better overall. Recovery isn't linear and it gets far worse before it gets better, I found that around 1 month into NC I went from being relieved that it was finally over to beginning to see how much of myself I lost. Our entire self worth becomes dependant on our PWBPD, and when we are NC the pain is excruciating, but it does get better.
Your way out of sadness begins with strict NC.
Take care of you Sadly, you're worth it!