College convo

[NewtoFL]

I'm relatively new here and shared how my 17-year old BP daughter suddenly split with her stepdad and me with whom she'd lived full time for over 2 years. She wanted to move with us to FL a year earlier than planned to have a fresh start for her last year of high school, but got cold feet the week prior to the move so we're here and she's elsewhere living with her estranged dad.

She and the boyfriend broke up so she is starting to communicate with me more (all via text), and I've been trying to employ all the new skills I've learned about dealing with a BP (books, therapists, here). Now I feel like I've been played for a fool (again) because I *think* the majority of the communication might be because it's time to apply for college... .and her choices are all big $$$. When I as gently as possible suggested she add a few state colleges to the list, she exploded (well, as much as you can via text).

Any ideas? I believe I handled it appropriately and feel like holding my ground and letting her make the next move... .

Thanks, as always!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hi there NewtoFL

That sounds like a good idea to let her make the next move, she'll need time to cool down, calm herself.  Being honest and truthful with her about what you can afford $ and what you can not $$$ is important. Do you think she's taken it as a personal rejection, it triggered her for some reason? When it's not 'personal', it's realistic.

WDx

[Partridge]

When my High School senior wanted to leave the state for another college I knew I could not let her because of her BPD. I let her apply following advice from my doctor.  When she was accepted to that out of state college, I had already planned the conversation.  I told her I was so very proud of this accomplishment.   Then I said calmly that I would not be able to support this decision to move far away.  I would be supportive if she would attend our in-state university (she had already been accepted) for the first year to show me her commitment to becoming an adult.  This includes good grades and no troubles. If she would do that, I would do everything to help her transfer out of state and pay for tuition and college expenses. 
However, this was HER choice:  She could attend in-state or out of state.  Furthermore, if she did chose out of state, this would be a decision I choose not to support (aka pay for) and I choose NOT to use your college fund towards tuition.  You will need to apply for student loans without my help if YOU CHOOSE this route. 
Ok- as you already predicted, it was nasty after that.  I stayed CALM... .firmly repeating "This is YOUR choice. You can make decisions and choices and SO CAN I.  And I choose not to spend MY money on your choice if I cannot support it. MY decision is NON NEGOTIABLE.  This does not in any way prevent you from attending the out of state college. YOU can still attend. It just will require that you will be 100% in charge of your decision and take responsibility for the outcomes it produced. I have confidence that you can succeed at this out of state college since you have the skills to manage your life like an adult. (Not really, but I said it anyway). And the best part of you attending out of state ON YOUR OWN EFFORTS -start to finish- is that you can KNOW that YOU did this on YOUR OWN!"

OH, NO, it was not pretty in my home after this but I stood FIRM and non reactive, calmly repeating the phrases I had practiced.

Outcome: She attended the in state university. She did not transfer and never asked me to help her transfer.  She is in her third year in state.

KEY phrases that empowered me: YOU can make your decisions and I can make MY decisions.

[NewtoFL]

Thank you, wendydarling and partridge! Both bring excellent angles I hadn't considered: WAS the financial convo somehow interpreted as personal AND the issue of spending big $$$ on what may be a fruitless venture. She certainly hasn't proven herself to be a consistent, serious student in high school, so the thought of going away to a very expensive university seems ill advised. You have reaffirmed that I can and should continue to stand my ground: our college savings + your scholarships - tuition = your balance to figure out. Thank you soo much!