In court for divorce

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

divorce  is taking it's tole I  can't see way out from mess. My husband says when he's  ready. So he's fighting all the way. He is stalling. And lying. Not got past finance yet.

[Settle]

divorce  is taking it's tole I  can't see way out from mess. My husband says when he's  ready. So he's fighting all the way. He is stalling. And lying. Not got past finance yet.

[ForeverDad]

My ex stalled as much as she could too.  She had a favorable temp order and so delay only helped her stay on top as long as possible.  It took my court nearly two years to set a temp order, order mediation attempts (we had one and it failed), a parenting investigation by the court's social worker, a custody evaluation, settlement conference (also failed), trial day which turned into a settlement and final decree.

Your spouse may delay and obfuscate but getting a halfway decent temp order will happen, eventually.  The temp order ought to include some level of spousal support and also child support if there are minor children.  However, the real financial struggle dividing marital assets is usually closer to the end of the divorce process.

Where precisely are you in the divorce process?  Do you have a temp order yet?  Do you have minor children?

Frankly, most of us here found that as much as we were reluctant to go to court, it was "less unfair" than the crumbs our ex's were offering.

You will have to learn how to separate out the emotional angst and stress.  Divorce is best done like you would conduct a business split, stick to the facts and minimize the emotional pain as much as possible.  He's using your emotions against you.  Don't fall for it.  Do you have your own counselor to help you get through the bad days?

[Settle]

I can't get how he says he has shut down his business as it's running at a loss and he is being helped to live by family and friends. I've been to councillor and that has come to an end. I have no help other than solicitor who costs. No dependents living at home no spouse payment in now just where he wants on poverty line. How can that happen.

[flourdust]

Hi, Settle. I am also going through a divorce from a spouse with BPD. She has also used delaying tactics for the past 16 months, including not responding to offers, refusing to negotiate, and constantly changing the terms of agreements. Do you think BPD has something to do with your divorce? What are you dealing with today?

[ForeverDad]

My ex too reported below minimal income.  I think she was making somewhere about $200 per month in her MLM efforts at the time.  A few years before, until our child was born, she had worked a full time job earning a couple dollars per hour over minimum wage.  I successfully argued with the lawyers that she should be imputed with what her prior income had been.  Well, almost, they ended up agreeing to impute minimum wage.  Would that help your case if you sought his income to be imputed with what he had either earned in the past or was capable of earning?

Frankly, since there are no joint children involved, your focus needs to be on getting this done, and done well, promptly.  Divorce is a process that can become glacially slow, especially if a spouse is dragging his feet every step of the way.  On the one hand, you may not get everything you want or what is fair.  On the other hand, you don't want to "gift away" too much just to get it over with.  Try to talk this out with a trusted supporter or counselor.  To get some long term perspective, imagine you're in 2023 looking back 5 years.  What outcomes will you be okay with?  Obviously you're not likely to get everything you think is fair, but if you Gift Away too much without serious efforts you may look back and regret not standing up for certain things.  See what I mean?

As I wrote before, most of us here found that as much as we were reluctant to go to court, having the court issue decisions on certain issues turned out "less unfair" than the crumbs our ex's were offering.  Just be aware that getting the court to issue a decision can be a monumental task in itself if it's not a 'standard' matter.