Hi Guys My update...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Ok, so I have to acknowledge that I don't know quite where to post anymore. Contextually this should probably be on a breakup board, but all of the people who might remember me and care for an update still seem to be here. So I'll put this here, and if the moderators feel strongly that it should be moved than I respect that.

It's been 3 months since I was assaulted, my ex has been in jail since. He was offered a plea of assault 2 with a sentence of 9 months. And then nothing. Until 2 weeks ago. But I'll get back to that.

In the meantime I have been grateful for my classroom of kindergarteners and the smiles they put on my face each day. I have started training for a spring marathon and the endorphins have been most welcome. I lost close to 30 pounds in the first 2 months after the incident, I have regained my appetite and have put back 10. My children are doing well, i had so much fun helping my daughter prepare for her first homecoming with her first boyfriend. In many ways, life has drastically improved.

But there has been that sense of dread knowing that I was living in that weird "in between" place... .not knowing what would become of the case. Would he accept the plea? Would it go to trial? Would I need to testify? All the questions never far from my mind.

2 weeks ago I noticed from searching for new records online that the public defender had left the case and a new attorney had been brought on. An online search of the attorneys name turned my stomach - a former prosecutor who now specializes in defending domestic violence cases. The next day I contacted the victim's advocate who tells me that the new attorney had contacted them to let them know that they were waiting for his mental health records. Grrrreat. I actually spent the next few days absolutely stewing and envisioning a scenario where these ghastly attorneys make this out to be my fault and set out to get him off with a mental health defense. Then last week I get a phone message.

The prosecutor suddenly wants to offer assault 3, 6 month sentence, a year of probation, and parenting classes.

Insert record scratch... .WAIT - WHAT? Parenting classes? How did we get HERE?

I immediately called back to find out why the offer so drastically changed. Essentially the defense attorneys had met with the prosecution. Ex has a history of bipolar and was unmedicated at the time of the incident. An assault 2 conviction would mean that he would be immediately deported. They offered serving an "exceptional sentence" at assault 3 (a class C felony) to avoid automatic deportation.

Soo - I asked if they were calling me as a courtesy, or if I actually get a say. I was told that they wanted my approval, but that I had a serious decision to make. The defense had made it clear that they would not plead to assault 2, so I needed to decide if going to trial and testifying was worth it for an additional 3 months in jail and deportation.

Insert a week of catastrophic inability to... .well... .FUNCTION. At all. Thank god I have amazing friends willing to meet me at all hours to run or eat or just sit while I cried. I finally ended up sending an email. In this email I told them that I felt he deserved the full consequence for his actions. That I was at least his 3rd assault victim. That what happened to me was NOT assault 3. That I wanted reassurance that whatever happens moving forward, his record would accurately reflect what had happened and ensure a harsher consequence next time. (Because I believe there will be a next time.) That if that meant they needed my testimony than so be it.

Then today a phone call from the prosecutor himself asking for my "help" in putting together an offer I felt was fair. He explained that he really did not want the expense and risk of a trial when he has a defense that is willing to accept a pretty harsh plea agreement. So we settled on offering assault 3, but with an exceptional sentence of 9 months (what he would have served if he'd been convicted of assault 2), a year of "community custody" (parole), mandatory mental health counseling, and a 5 year (max I could ask for) criminal no contact order. The next meeting between prosecution and defense is Tuesday, I should know soon after if he accepts that.

So the legal process is winding itself down. And now I'm just left picking up the pieces and trying to figure out how to make sense of this past year and the fallout. I'm pretty sure that it will be a long process. I still go to therapy every week. I'm doing my best. Some days are better than others. Today I'm worn out so it may not be the best time to be trying to add wit to this update. So I won't even try. This sucks and is hard. I believe in trying to find silver linings and find the humor in all situations but not today. Today I just type it factually and leave it be.

Thanks for making it through this tome! I'll let you know what happens next week.

Lala

[Lalathegreat]

Ok, so I have to acknowledge that I don't know quite where to post anymore. Contextually this should probably be on a breakup board, but all of the people who might remember me and care for an update still seem to be here. So I'll put this here, and if the moderators feel strongly that it should be moved than I respect that.

It's been 3 months since I was assaulted, my ex has been in jail since. He was offered a plea of assault 2 with a sentence of 9 months. And then nothing. Until 2 weeks ago. But I'll get back to that.

In the meantime I have been grateful for my classroom of kindergarteners and the smiles they put on my face each day. I have started training for a spring marathon and the endorphins have been most welcome. I lost close to 30 pounds in the first 2 months after the incident, I have regained my appetite and have put back 10. My children are doing well, i had so much fun helping my daughter prepare for her first homecoming with her first boyfriend. In many ways, life has drastically improved.

But there has been that sense of dread knowing that I was living in that weird "in between" place... .not knowing what would become of the case. Would he accept the plea? Would it go to trial? Would I need to testify? All the questions never far from my mind.

2 weeks ago I noticed from searching for new records online that the public defender had left the case and a new attorney had been brought on. An online search of the attorneys name turned my stomach - a former prosecutor who now specializes in defending domestic violence cases. The next day I contacted the victim's advocate who tells me that the new attorney had contacted them to let them know that they were waiting for his mental health records. Grrrreat. I actually spent the next few days absolutely stewing and envisioning a scenario where these ghastly attorneys make this out to be my fault and set out to get him off with a mental health defense. Then last week I get a phone message.

The prosecutor suddenly wants to offer assault 3, 6 month sentence, a year of probation, and parenting classes.

Insert record scratch... .WAIT - WHAT? Parenting classes? How did we get HERE?

I immediately called back to find out why the offer so drastically changed. Essentially the defense attorneys had met with the prosecution. Ex has a history of bipolar and was unmedicated at the time of the incident. An assault 2 conviction would mean that he would be immediately deported. They offered serving an "exceptional sentence" at assault 3 (a class C felony) to avoid automatic deportation.

Soo - I asked if they were calling me as a courtesy, or if I actually get a say. I was told that they wanted my approval, but that I had a serious decision to make. The defense had made it clear that they would not plead to assault 2, so I needed to decide if going to trial and testifying was worth it for an additional 3 months in jail and deportation.

Insert a week of catastrophic inability to... .well... .FUNCTION. At all. Thank god I have amazing friends willing to meet me at all hours to run or eat or just sit while I cried. I finally ended up sending an email. In this email I told them that I felt he deserved the full consequence for his actions. That I was at least his 3rd assault victim. That what happened to me was NOT assault 3. That I wanted reassurance that whatever happens moving forward, his record would accurately reflect what had happened and ensure a harsher consequence next time. (Because I believe there will be a next time.) That if that meant they needed my testimony than so be it.

Then today a phone call from the prosecutor himself asking for my "help" in putting together an offer I felt was fair. He explained that he really did not want the expense and risk of a trial when he has a defense that is willing to accept a pretty harsh plea agreement. So we settled on offering assault 3, but with an exceptional sentence of 9 months (what he would have served if he'd been convicted of assault 2), a year of "community custody" (parole), mandatory mental health counseling, and a 5 year (max I could ask for) criminal no contact order. The next meeting between prosecution and defense is Tuesday, I should know soon after if he accepts that.

So the legal process is winding itself down. And now I'm just left picking up the pieces and trying to figure out how to make sense of this past year and the fallout. I'm pretty sure that it will be a long process. I still go to therapy every week. I'm doing my best. Some days are better than others. Today I'm worn out so it may not be the best time to be trying to add wit to this update. So I won't even try. This sucks and is hard. I believe in trying to find silver linings and find the humor in all situations but not today. Today I just type it factually and leave it be.

Thanks for making it through this tome! I'll let you know what happens next week.

Lala

[hope2727]

Thank you for taking the time to update us. I think of you often. I am glad you are running and living your life. I am sorry for this new stress.

I am SO PROUD of you for sticking up for yourself. You appear to have presented a well thought out, rational, articulate argument for his sentencing. Good job. To many of us lay down and take the garbage we are handed because we are just so darn worn out. You are my hero. I wish I was as strong as you.

I have to keep this short but I did want to tell you how much I respect your courage. Keep going. Keep speaking out. You are helping other by telling your story.

Hugs.

[Cat Familiar]

Good for you for asserting your right that he should be held accountable for what he has done. It must be terribly frustrating after all you've been through to have the charges reduced. However the current offer is a step in the right direction.

It seems that DV cases are given less harsh sentences than if he were to have assaulted a stranger. And it may just be my bias, but it seems that assault against a female partner is not considered as serious a crime. I could understand that if ultimately a marriage partner were to return to the family home, but in your case, you undoubtedly never want to cross paths with this man again.

If there were any true justice in this incident, he would be prosecuted for attempted murder!

So sorry for all you've been through.    

Cat

[formflier]

You are doing a wise thing. 

It may come to the point where you decide there is no offer that is acceptable and proceed to trial.

I'm wondering if there is something that can be added to the parole or no contact order about "compliance" with mental health... .taking meds, regular counseling... etc etc.

I'm not saying that you should be "worried" about his future, but as a pragmatic thing, if he is on his meds he is less likely to violate a no contact order.

Also, I want you to have a clear view that YOU (and we on BPD family) see this as an offensive and egregious case.  I would have to believe that most juries would see this as well... .but not all will.   

So, there is the risk of getting something waaaay less at trial, versus getting something "known" now.  The prosecutor knows this. 

Don't be surprised if there is another back and forth in negotiations.

Good job sending the email and "pushing back".   

FF