Substantial Amount of Chaos Over Short Time

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all. Been reading here and trying to heal from what I would say is the worst 9 months or so of my life. I'm in my late 20's and this winter/early spring was able to find out a whole lot about BPD ex-girlfriends. Over 3 years all their signs were there. Intense love bombing, then senseless fighting, invalidation and detachment from her end, her self-mutilation and cutting, the violence I allowed towards me for reasons unknown, the projection (my favorite was "you need to see a psychiatrist" when all I did was what we all do... .tiptoe around trying not to cause the next fight.)... .ultimately she bailed and discarded me never to speak to me again, unless it was to threaten me, or drag my parents into this. I was wrecked. She was also seeing someone and I knew it. She was not a good liar once I started to see her as dishonest. Anyway, I played right into the smear campaign. Worse off she made me feel like I was absolutely nuts. I couldn't sleep. And having anxiety already, it led me to some sleep deprived hallucinations that truly freaked me out.

I was seeing a therapist for the first month post-breakup and before I even had a chance to cope with what my therapist introduced to me as BPD, my mom went off on me one night with allegations from my ex girlfriend that were completely untrue and I ended up in jail. Let me rewind. My ex, the person who smeared me to her family and group of friends in the lowest ways (I never met before, since they only existed in her life after we broke up and she joined some community play), was more believable to my mom than me. My mom claimed to not want me to contact her anymore (which is insane considering my T and I agreed for me to stop and I honestly did two weeks prior). My mom claimed she didn't want me to go to jail for "harassing" my ex girlfriend. The last two weeks all that took place was her harassing me, via my mother. She had seen my mom blow up on me over the course of our relationship and in a sinister way I think she was exploiting something I never realized before. My mom was the most invalidating person in my life and nothing I ever did was right. My mom always made me feel like ___ when I was low and like I wasn't good enough when I achieved something honorable (she could careless I was a pro athlete at one point. It hurt). She also ran our house growing up with an iron fist at times and if you ever tried to convince her of something the shouting and anger was so intense it would make me get headaches around the temples.

So it was me who was arrested about a month afternmy breakup and pled guilty to two lessened accounts of "simple battery" when all I did was shout and cry and hyperventilate while my mom reigned down the verbal abuse that night and invalidated every attempt I made to get her to realize the truth. I had began recovery with my therapist two weeks prior by cutting out the BPD. But then I realized the ___ storm I was currently in was the reason I fell for a BPD to begin with.

 I moved out of my parents house shortly after I got out of jail. What hurts is the fact that I had to plea to something I don't even see as an arrest worthy event (shouting and crying from a panic attack?) let alone "simple battery". Even though I live separate from them, this year has been so so hard. I have all the qualifications in the world at the moment for a good mid-level salaried analytics job and background checks either ultimately screw me out of a position I was going to be hired for (has happened 3 times) or has scared me away from a job I really want because I do not want to tarnish my reputation to a certain employer. I am very depressed with moments of clarity and peace. But moreso than that, I am alone a lot. I've been pushed and pulled by both parents over the course of this year (my dad is a huge enabler). I don't know where I'd be without my cousin, who is like a brother and gets how messed up this is for me. But what I miss the most is my dog. He loves me like crazy and he was a daily part of my life at my parents house and since he lives there and has a yard (I have a one bedroom apartment), I left him because at least he is treated well there. I go see him when I can and honestly if I didn't have him I'd never go to my parents place. I fake a role with my parents with the ultimate goal of having a career that I can move far far away from my parents. But I am hampered and limited to a job that just pays the bills because of this horrible legal situation. I have never been in a fight in my life to be honest. It's not my way. I have realized my codependent ways. It all began with my mom. Wish it didn't take me 29 years to figure out.

I just needed someone to get it. For once.

Thanks everyone

[ClearEyed29]

Hi all. Been reading here and trying to heal from what I would say is the worst 9 months or so of my life. I'm in my late 20's and this winter/early spring was able to find out a whole lot about BPD ex-girlfriends. Over 3 years all their signs were there. Intense love bombing, then senseless fighting, invalidation and detachment from her end, her self-mutilation and cutting, the violence I allowed towards me for reasons unknown, the projection (my favorite was "you need to see a psychiatrist" when all I did was what we all do... .tiptoe around trying not to cause the next fight.)... .ultimately she bailed and discarded me never to speak to me again, unless it was to threaten me, or drag my parents into this. I was wrecked. She was also seeing someone and I knew it. She was not a good liar once I started to see her as dishonest. Anyway, I played right into the smear campaign. Worse off she made me feel like I was absolutely nuts. I couldn't sleep. And having anxiety already, it led me to some sleep deprived hallucinations that truly freaked me out.

I was seeing a therapist for the first month post-breakup and before I even had a chance to cope with what my therapist introduced to me as BPD, my mom went off on me one night with allegations from my ex girlfriend that were completely untrue and I ended up in jail. Let me rewind. My ex, the person who smeared me to her family and group of friends in the lowest ways (I never met before, since they only existed in her life after we broke up and she joined some community play), was more believable to my mom than me. My mom claimed to not want me to contact her anymore (which is insane considering my T and I agreed for me to stop and I honestly did two weeks prior). My mom claimed she didn't want me to go to jail for "harassing" my ex girlfriend. The last two weeks all that took place was her harassing me, via my mother. She had seen my mom blow up on me over the course of our relationship and in a sinister way I think she was exploiting something I never realized before. My mom was the most invalidating person in my life and nothing I ever did was right. My mom always made me feel like ___ when I was low and like I wasn't good enough when I achieved something honorable (she could careless I was a pro athlete at one point. It hurt). She also ran our house growing up with an iron fist at times and if you ever tried to convince her of something the shouting and anger was so intense it would make me get headaches around the temples.

So it was me who was arrested about a month afternmy breakup and pled guilty to two lessened accounts of "simple battery" when all I did was shout and cry and hyperventilate while my mom reigned down the verbal abuse that night and invalidated every attempt I made to get her to realize the truth. I had began recovery with my therapist two weeks prior by cutting out the BPD. But then I realized the ___ storm I was currently in was the reason I fell for a BPD to begin with.

 I moved out of my parents house shortly after I got out of jail. What hurts is the fact that I had to plea to something I don't even see as an arrest worthy event (shouting and crying from a panic attack?) let alone "simple battery". Even though I live separate from them, this year has been so so hard. I have all the qualifications in the world at the moment for a good mid-level salaried analytics job and background checks either ultimately screw me out of a position I was going to be hired for (has happened 3 times) or has scared me away from a job I really want because I do not want to tarnish my reputation to a certain employer. I am very depressed with moments of clarity and peace. But moreso than that, I am alone a lot. I've been pushed and pulled by both parents over the course of this year (my dad is a huge enabler). I don't know where I'd be without my cousin, who is like a brother and gets how messed up this is for me. But what I miss the most is my dog. He loves me like crazy and he was a daily part of my life at my parents house and since he lives there and has a yard (I have a one bedroom apartment), I left him because at least he is treated well there. I go see him when I can and honestly if I didn't have him I'd never go to my parents place. I fake a role with my parents with the ultimate goal of having a career that I can move far far away from my parents. But I am hampered and limited to a job that just pays the bills because of this horrible legal situation. I have never been in a fight in my life to be honest. It's not my way. I have realized my codependent ways. It all began with my mom. Wish it didn't take me 29 years to figure out.

I just needed someone to get it. For once.

Thanks everyone

[Harley Quinn]

Hi ClearEyed29 and welcome  

Reading your post I felt every bit of your anxiety and the stress and strain of what you've been going through.  I'm so sorry to hear about everything that has happened to you all at once.  It must have been terribly painful to have your mother bring charges against you and to have had this situation arise at the hands of your ex.  It's good that you found us.  

From what I'm reading, it sounds like you are quite detached from the ex gf now.  Would that be a fair assumption?  It seems that the present situation with your family that is causing most distress , along with the history that underlies it.  Please let me know if I'm missing the mark on this.  We are able to relate to what you describe here, with the emotional rollercoaster ride and the impacts on your life outside of this.  It's hard to get people outside of the situation to understand the weight of what you experience when they have no personal reference of such behaviour in a family or romantic r/s.  I hope that reading others' posts on the site and taking a look at all of the information available here, the articles, tools and lessons, will help you to feel less alone and to know that you are not the only one who has this drama in their lives.  

We're here for you and can empathise with what you're feeling, so keep posting and let us know how best we can support you.  Things can and do get better for members here and that's what I'd like to see happen for you too.  It certainly sounds like you are ready for that.  Hang in there.  

Love and light x

[ClearEyed29]

Hi ClearEyed29 and welcome  

Reading your post I felt every bit of your anxiety and the stress and strain of what you've been going through.  I'm so sorry to hear about everything that has happened to you all at once.  It must have been terribly painful to have your mother bring charges against you and to have had this situation arise at the hands of your ex.  It's good that you found us.  

From what I'm reading, it sounds like you are quite detached from the ex gf now.  Would that be a fair assumption?  It seems that the present situation with your family that is causing most distress , along with the history that underlies it.  Please let me know if I'm missing the mark on this.  We are able to relate to what you describe here, with the emotional rollercoaster ride and the impacts on your life outside of this.  It's hard to get people outside of the situation to understand the weight of what you experience when they have no personal reference of such behaviour in a family or romantic r/s.  I hope that reading others' posts on the site and taking a look at all of the information available here, the articles, tools and lessons, will help you to feel less alone and to know that you are not the only one who has this drama in their lives.  

We're here for you and can empathise with what you're feeling, so keep posting and let us know how best we can support you.  Things can and do get better for members here and that's what I'd like to see happen for you too.  It certainly sounds like you are ready for that.  Hang in there.  

Love and light x

Harley,

Thank you for the kind words and support. I am very detached from the Borderline ex gf. I could care less about her and her stupid world. I have confidence in dating and always have. What I think hooked me was the validation she gave me. My mom never did. And my father is a bit messed up in that he never seemed satisfied but always pushed me towards sports. So he would outwardly enjoy my success as an athlete but when it came time to talk to him about a game or something, he too withheld any sort of validation from me. Messed up. My mom had been physically abusive at times. But they actually had me believe their crap that I was the problem since I was a teenager. I was a straight A student, and I had a good group of friends for the better part of 3.5 years in high school. Yet my mom was making me see a psychologist. Looking back, it seemed like projection to me. I never needed one back then, at least for any bogus reason my mom drew up. Anyway, this BPD ex gf is on to the replacement. I had a good deal of PTSD in the aftermath. Headaches, initial hallucinations and sleep deprevation. To this day, my parents invalidate anything I ever experienced. I just wish justice would come to these abusive people who take innocence and torture it for a living. They are sick, and they are many. Even if 1% of people are BPD (who truly knows?), that's a lot of people in this world. I trust few people now. I live with a great deal of anxiety. I just feel like spending my time trying to advance my career and my life will help me move toward a future where I don't have to deal with these types of people. I love my parents, but I do not trust them at all. And I hope some day they realize how they abused me emotionally and physically all these years. Unlike them, I am not filled with hatred. I became codependent because of the ___ they pulled. But I, like you, know the truth. Everyday is another day toward recovery. God bless.

[Harley Quinn]

Do you believe your mother may have BPD/NPD traits?  Would this explain the behaviour you've experienced in your childhood and ongoing in your life?  If so, I can recommend thinking about posting on the Coping and Healing board, where you can connect with others who have had similar experiences in their lives.  There is a lot of support there and advice about how to move forwards in your life in a healthy way for yourself. 

I'm glad to hear that you are armed with knowledge, self awareness and are determined to make things work for yourself.  Many would be feeling disillusioned and worn down by the events you've described.  You have real strength of character to keep going as you are towards recovery.  A little support can go a long way too.  Do you have a therapist? 

Take really good care of yourself and stay strong.  You have a long future ahead of you and the opportunity to shape that into one you will find fulfilling.  Use all the support you can find and put it to good use.

Love and light x