I'm considering going NC with my BPD affair partner again

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Now that the whole suicide thing has been taken off the table and my wife and I are making good progress towards rekindling our sex life (There was a very positive development today which has made me feel very optimistic), I am now thinking that perhaps it is time for me to break contact with my BPD affair partner again. I won't say for my wife's sake because that seems a little late in the day to make that gesture, but really for my own. I think I have been kidding myself that I can be friends with her. She mentioned she was coming to my home town today with her husband and it triggered a terrible resentment in me.

I haven't told my BPD affair partner my feelings nor has she contacted me for the last two days, which serves to underline she will do whatever is right for her. Therefore I feel I should do likewise. I don't want to feel like this any longer. I am seriously considering going full NC like I tried to do earlier this year with the provisio that if she starts talking about suicide again I would have to stay NC.

At the risk of attracting some tough feedback I may find difficult to hear, I need to know if this is a good idea for the future of my marriage and my sanity.

[RomanticFool]

Now that the whole suicide thing has been taken off the table and my wife and I are making good progress towards rekindling our sex life (There was a very positive development today which has made me feel very optimistic), I am now thinking that perhaps it is time for me to break contact with my BPD affair partner again. I won't say for my wife's sake because that seems a little late in the day to make that gesture, but really for my own. I think I have been kidding myself that I can be friends with her. She mentioned she was coming to my home town today with her husband and it triggered a terrible resentment in me.

I haven't told my BPD affair partner my feelings nor has she contacted me for the last two days, which serves to underline she will do whatever is right for her. Therefore I feel I should do likewise. I don't want to feel like this any longer. I am seriously considering going full NC like I tried to do earlier this year with the provisio that if she starts talking about suicide again I would have to stay NC.

At the risk of attracting some tough feedback I may find difficult to hear, I need to know if this is a good idea for the future of my marriage and my sanity.

[Skip]

This might help:
https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a125.htm

During this part of separating from "The Borderline", you recognize what you must do and create an Exit Plan. Many individuals fail in attempts to detach from "The Borderline" because they leave suddenly and impulsively, without proper planning, and without resources... // ...

- Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Borderline" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.

- Quietly contact your family and supportive others. Determine what help they might be - a place to stay, protection, financial help, etc.

- If you fear violence or abuse, check local legal or law enforcement options such as a restraining order.

- If "The Borderline" is destructive, slowly move your valuables from the home if together, or try to recover valuables if in their possession. In many cases, you may lose some personal items during your detachment - a small price to pay to get rid of "The Borderline".

- Stop arguing, debating or discussing issues. Stop defending and explaining yourself - responding with comments such as "I've been so confused lately" or "I'm under so much stress I don't know why I do anything anymore".

- Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Borderline" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Borderline" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you. Many individuals are forced to "play confused" and dull, allowing "The Borderline" to tell others "My girlfriend (or boyfriend) about half nuts!" They may tell others you're crazy or confused but you'll be safer. Allow them to think anything they want about you as long as you're in the process of detaching.

- Don't start another relationship. That will only complicate your situation and increase the anger. Your best bet is to "lay low" for several months. Remember, "The Borderline" will quickly locate another victim and become instantly attached as long as the focus on you is allowed to die down.

- As "The Borderline" starts to question changes in your behavior, admit confusion, depression, emotionally numbness, and a host of other boring reactions. This sets the foundation for the ending of the relationship.

Ending the Relationship

Remembering that "The Borderline" doesn't accept responsibility, responds with anger to criticism, and is prone to panic detachment reactions - ending the relationship continues the same theme as the detachment.

- Explain that you are emotionally numb, confused, and burned out. You can't feel anything for anybody and you want to end the relationship almost for his or her benefit. Remind them that they've probably noticed something is wrong and that you need time to sort out your feelings and fix whatever is wrong with you. As disgusting as it may seem, you may have to use a theme of "I'm not right for anyone at this point in my life." If "The Borderline" can blame the end on you, as they would if they ended the relationship anyway, they will depart faster.

- If "The Borderline" panics, you'll receive a shower of phone calls, letters, notes on your car, etc. React to each in the same manner - a boring thanks. If you overreact or give in, you've lost control again.

- Focus on your need for time away from the situation. Don't agree to the many negotiations that will be offered - dating less frequently, dating only once a week, taking a break for only a week, going to counseling together, etc. As long as "The Borderline" has contact with you they feel there is a chance to manipulate you.

- "The Borderline" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.

- Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Borderline" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.

- Don't fall for sudden changes in behavior or promises of marriage, trips, gifts, etc. By this time you have already seen how "The Borderline" is normally and naturally. While anyone can change for a short period of time, they always return to their normal behavior once the crisis is over.

- Seek professional counseling for yourself or the support of others during this time. You will need encouragement and guidance. Keep in mind, if "The Borderline" finds out you are seeking help they will criticize the counseling, the therapist, or the effort.

- Don't use terms like "someday", "maybe", or "in the future". When "The Borderline" hears such possibilities, they think you are weakening and will increase their pressure.

- Imagine a dead slot machine. If we are in Las Vegas at a slot machine and pull the handle ten times and nothing happens - we move on to another machine. However, if on the tenth time the slot machine pays us even a little, we keep pulling the handle - thinking the jackpot is on the way. If we are very stern and stable about the decision to end the relationship over many days, then suddenly offer a possibility or hope for reconciliation - we've given a little pay and the pressure will continue. Never change your position - always say the same thing. "The Borderline" will stop playing a machine that doesn't pay off and quickly move to another.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi RF,

It's nice to see you and great to hear that there are improvements in your marriage.  This must be a relief to you and no doubt you're putting in real considered effort for these changes to be taking place so well done you!  You sound more optimistic about things working out here, which is good to hear.  I hope that things continue in the same direction and you can strengthen that bond which brought you together. 

I haven't told my BPD affair partner my feelings nor has she contacted me for the last two days, which serves to underline she will do whatever is right for her. Therefore I feel I should do likewise. I don't want to feel like this any longer. I am seriously considering going full NC like I tried to do earlier this year with the provisio that if she starts talking about suicide again I would have to stay NC.

In your own words, for the future of your marriage and your sanity I'd say that taking this route seems to be a good idea.  Being really straight with you, I feel that with your efforts in the marriage going well, it would be risky to try to continue with a friendship with your ex that is not going well for you anyway.  Protect what is most important to you, which means don't expose yourself to potential harm in your relationship with your wife.  You must be feeling worn out RF.  I agree with you entirely that it is time for you to do what is right for you now.  However you approach this, I think you're ready to take this step to let go and put yourself and your future to the forefront.  You deserve happiness. 

Love and light x 

[MeandThee29]

Thank you Skip. I hadn't seen that article.

One of my husband's complaints when we were together was that I really didn't have much of significance to communicate. He used to hound me and hound me about my thoughts and such, and I really didn't have anything else to say. Sometimes he'd ask what I was thinking, and I'd just be relaxed and taking in life. That frustrated him.

When we split up, he ranted to his family that I never let him into my thoughts, which seemed odd to me. I did, but he was never satisfied.

In separation I figured out that he'd sign off quickly on a boring conversation, and usually dig into me if I mentioned into anything deeper. If I admitted fault, he'd find three more problems to bug me about.

He also doesn't like hearing about how we're still doing ordinary things. I guess he thinks we should be in a pool of sorrow or something instead of working, going to school, being involved with other people, etc.

So yes, be boring, nothing deep. It works.

[RomanticFool]

Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The Borderline" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.

This is precisely what I have done with the ex. I kind of opted out of conversations. We are currently at NC

Begin dropping hints that you are depressed, burned out, or confused about life in general. Remember - "The Borderline" never takes responsibility for what happens in any relationship. "The Borderline" will feel better about leaving the relationship if they can blame it on you

I told her I was tired and burnt out and I needed to get in touch with my real self again. She responded by saying I had been malicious in cutting her off FB again. I pointed out that she hadn't contacted me for a week so I didn't think she would mind and she repeated her malice assertion. However, I didn't respond further and haven't argued about anything and she has left me in peace.

"The Borderline" will focus on making you feel guilty. In each phone contact you'll hear how much you are loved, how much was done for you, and how much they have sacrificed for you. At the same time, you'll hear about what a bum you are for leading them on, not giving them an opportunity to fix things, and embarrassing them by ending the relationship.

When I read this I got a jolt because this is more what I do. Guilt tripping was my MO until I started coming on here. The more distance I get from my ex the more I think I have just as many 'isms' as she does. Only when I am free from anger or emotional extremes can I see things objectively.

Don't try to make them understand how you feel - it won't happen. "The Borderline" only is concerned with how they feel - your feelings are irrelevant. You will be wasting your time trying to make them understand and they will see the discussions as an opportunity to make you feel more guilty and manipulate you.

This is effectively what I have been trying to do for 15 years with her. Get her to see my point of view. It has never happened. She has no interest. The fact of the matter is in the end it is me who becomes bored because when somebody takes no interest in your emotional life where can you go? She is interested in the FB version of me, the apparently successful person with lots of people around him. That is the spin version. She was never interested in the real person ie somebody with emotional needs and as messed up as she is in many ways. Once the detachment has been effected it is much easier to see this selfishness for what it is. On my side too I might add.

I have to report that she even started talking about her mental health being a factor again but it was very half-hearted and I get a strong sense that she is as exhausted by the affair as much as I am. She went to such extreme lengths last time to make me feel bad that I don't think she has it in her again. She definitely blames me and I have stopped being her psychologist so I am confident it is done now.

I haven't seen her since February. We have spoken once in 2 weeks (which was her telling me she was done with me). I have been here before with her but I was usually trying to get her to see my point of view. Now that I feel something closer to boredom and indifference (isn't that what the borderline is supposed to feel?) then it is easier to move away. I do feel like the Groundhog Day may finally be over.

[MeandThee29]

When I read this I got a jolt because this is more what I do. Guilt tripping was my MO until I started coming on here. The more distance I get from my ex the more I think I have just as many 'isms' as she does. Only when I am free from anger or emotional extremes can I see things objectively.

Same here. I know I have issues, but I'm better at seeing them and working on them when I'm not dealing with Mr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. When we're living in defensive mode, it's hard to look at anything else.

I'm still in contact with mine, but only via email and only in a very surface way. Today he heaped the blame yet again on a particular issue. I haven't replied yet, but will  not address the blame issue. It isn't worth engaging because he only starts digging in and finding other things to heap on me. If I was truly 100% to blame for that issue, I would have the power of mind control over other people. Six months ago I would have engaged and then fought back with all of his faults once he started listing mine. No more. I just drop it now.

[RomanticFool]

Hi Harley Quinn,

It's nice to see you and great to hear that there are improvements in your marriage.  This must be a relief to you and no doubt you're putting in real considered effort for these changes to be taking place so well done you!  You sound more optimistic about things working out here, which is good to hear.  I hope that things continue in the same direction and you can strengthen that bond which brought you together.

Likewise, good to hear from you. It has been a long, slow haul to get to where I am now. I reported in another more recent post that my wife and I had been in crisis, but I am happy to report that we came through that. There were discussions about breaking up and not being interested enough in each other but we have been talking a great deal and we both feel that our bond is strong.  

In your own words, for the future of your marriage and your sanity I'd say that taking this route seems to be a good idea.  Being really straight with you, I feel that with your efforts in the marriage going well, it would be risky to try to continue with a friendship with your ex that is not going well for you anyway.  Protect what is most important to you, which means don't expose yourself to potential harm in your relationship with your wife.

This was my instinct all of those months ago when I first came onto these boards. I broke attachment with my ex for reasons that were sound at the time. Namely, my own mental health was suffering and she was never going to be emotionally or physically available aside from a few stolen nights of passion. Back then I did it to protect myself and try to address my marriage issues. This time I did it to protect the progress that I felt my wife and I had made in our discussions. Yes, we had a moment of crisis, but that was due to me suddenly calling out what I felt was missing in the r/s. Turns out she was feeling much the same way. While she was scared and reluctant to address the problems (fear of abandonment in my wife perhaps?) now that I have assured her I am committed to the r/s and she has assured me of the same, we have been able to address our problems. While I will never be able to defend a long winded affair morally, there are reasons why it happened - on both sides. My job now is to address my own dysfunction and see that I seek a solution from within rather than outside of the r/s.

You must be feeling worn out RF.

I am emotionally exhausted and in need of a holiday. I have been licking my wounds a little over the last couple of weeks. The yearning for the ex has quietened down substantially. It is still there a little but the nature of it has changed. It is no longer about being 'saved' from my current plight and running off with a sexually voracious Amazon who will fulfill my every need. Rather it has become more about missing the contact but with a stark realisation that this was a non-existant r/s which only ever was played out to her specifications, needs and desires with no thought whatsoever about my needs. In 15 years, I cannot think of a single thing she ever did for me other than to wish me a happy birthday - which for her is a very important event. Indeed, her birthday is December 6th and if I haven't heard from her before - that will be the true test of the NC. What I do know is that if she contacts me I will not respond.

I agree with you entirely that it is time for you to do what is right for you now.  However you approach this, I think you're ready to take this step to let go and put yourself and your future to the forefront.  You deserve happiness.  

Thank you. I have done my best to separate myself from happiness by chasing an unavailable femme fatale who lives 200 miles away. Not the first time I have done it either. This in itself is apparently a form of intimacy impairment on my part.

While I maintain NC I have every chance of improving things with my wife. That is my true source of happiness. It has taken much pain to get me to see the truth.

[RomanticFool]

Hi MeandThee29,

Thank you for sharing. Sounds like we have much empathy with our respective situations.

Same here. I know I have issues, but I'm better at seeing them and working on them when I'm not dealing with Mr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. When we're living in defensive mode, it's hard to look at anything else.

That is exactly the point isn't it? When we are constantly in emotional turmoil how can we see the reality of any situation? I started working on my validation skills with my ex as I found when I stopped doing battle with her, she was much easier to deal with. We recently went through a period where she was suicidal and I wanted to be supportive towards her. I practised my validation skills around this time and there was suddenly a vast improvement in the r/s. At least the way the r/s ended this time was a kind of tired fatigue with it all rather than the usual bloodletting. This is because I have refused to engage in hostilities. She views me cutting her off FB as being malicious but I let her maintain that thought because it means she can blame me and now hopefully stay away.

I'm still in contact with mine, but only via email and only in a very surface way. Today he heaped the blame yet again on a particular issue. I haven't replied yet, but will  not address the blame issue. It isn't worth engaging because he only starts digging in and finding other things to heap on me. If I was truly 100% to blame for that issue, I would have the power of mind control over other people. Six months ago I would have engaged and then fought back with all of his faults once he started listing mine. No more. I just drop it now.

My entire r/s over an on/off (more off than on) 15 year period was conducted via text and email, apart from the relatively few times we met up. It was characterised by recrimination and counter recrimination and I wasted alot of time and energy on composing huge long love-lorn communications with her which were usually met with a couple of lines (if I was lucky) or, more often, silence.

Your current modus operandi of not engaging is the far healthier and less emotionally exhausting course of action. I had to learn the hard way. I feel like a heroin addict who has come out of a life long addiction and looking at himself in the mirror with fresh eyes. It feels so good to be finally getting rid of that awful feeling of yearning. I believe that is addictive in nature.

Keep sharing on here. We are all here to support each other.

RF

[Harley Quinn]

It has taken much pain to get me to see the truth.

Sometimes that is just what we need to help us to get there.  I'm glad you arrived at your truth RF.  Some never do.  I'm also really pleased to hear that your wife and yourself have managed to address the problems in the r/s and both committed to making it work.  That's really wonderful, and how a healthy r/s looks.  You know it's going to be different to what you had with your ex.  Different is good.  You have the power between you to make this what you both aspire to. 

Love and light x

[MeandThee29]

Your current modus operandi of not engaging is the far healthier and less emotionally exhausting course of action. I had to learn the hard way. I feel like a heroin addict who has come out of a life long addiction and looking at himself in the mirror with fresh eyes. It feels so good to be finally getting rid of that awful feeling of yearning. I believe that is addictive in nature.

It worked. I acknowledged the blame and dropped it. Brief response, no defending myself or questioning his assumptions. Then I switched over to asking about something he wants me to do.

He replied immediately with no blame and said to hold off on what he had requested.

I did the same two weeks ago when he became offended when I repeated something he had said that we had both agreed upon. He fired off a "this is it, have a nice life" email. I responded that I would respect his decision and went on with my day. Two days later he apologized. I accepted and said he had broken my trust (there was money involved).