Trying so hard to understand

[Loveless2615]

So I made another post giving the details of what happened, but I wanted to make this one trying to give more context of how good things were, and why I can't understand why things ended up this way. I'm going to transpose a lot of what she said to me during our time together, followed by how things ended.

In the very beginning it was established that we were both looking for a relationship, not some fling. She even said "I'm not meant to be alone. I was placed on this earth to give someone everything and love. deeply."

"My universe is getting put back together"

"Must've finally been our time or something. After all the ___ we've been through. Who knows though. I'm in awe."

"Thank you for being so nice, and treating me better than I ever have in just a week or so. It may not seem a lot you, but it actually really is to me. I turn down a lot of treatment, but never would I turn down this kind, and from someone like you. What a dream."

"I think you're very special. It's been years since I've connected with someone like this. You're so great stop it."

"You're sent here to save me and you're great."

"How is it possible to feel this vulnerable and comfortable with someone so fast?"

"You feel like home, is that weird? I just want to hold you."

"I'm so lucky I found you. You are truly amazing."

"Please stop apologizing for telling me things like that. You don't realize how it feels for me to actually believe words like that, or have them even said to me. It really means a lot. There will be days I don't believe it though, I'm not always gushy and rainbows. I will try pushing you away and not believe you even like me, but that's rare I promise. Hopefully you don't run away when you see bad sides of me, IF you do."

"I so wish I had known you longer ago."

"You're making my cold heart fuzzy."

"I'm obviously giving you a shot here, you deserve that. I couldn't just up and leave. And I won't. But I'm still ya know... a worrier."

"You're my favorite person."

"I just. I don't even like texting. My chest literally craves you. I just want you near me."

"What's wrong with me? I just need you with me. Goodnight."

"There's so much I want to do to be able to prove to you how much I like and appreciate you. But I'm unable to do so right now. I will be able to someday I promise."

In regards to me understanding her being scared and unable to open up (which she has) she said "thank you to the moon and back for understanding and respecting that."

During an episode she was having where I gave her constant reassurance she sad "I just don't believe anyone could ___ing care about me that much. I'm not worth caring for that much and I don't know how to take this treatment you've been giving me. I'm going to get hurt. I always ___ing do. I don't want to be there again."

 "Things are fine. I'm not going anywhere. And I'm sorry for this."

"I love being with you."

":)on't you ever ___ing think I'd forget about you. I didn't. And I won't. Believe me... "

And just days before the split, while she stayed over and I was working she said "come home. I miss you "

So now despite all this, despite the fact that I was constantly reassuring and giving, she left me days later. We live an hour apart so it's not like we didn't have space, I mean we talked every day but she always initiated that. The night it ended she said how she "couldn't force feelings" into herself and that "it just can't work." She said she's sorry because this hurts her too and she's so grateful she met me because I'm an amazing caring person, but she can't be a good woman back to me right now. Oh, and I'm also blocked on every single form of social media and communication. I wrote her a letter telling her how amazing and deserving she is, and I've heard nothing back. It's been just about two weeks since this split happened and honestly it's killing me.

I've done so much research on BPD, and everyone wants to make it sound like I've been split black but honestly there were no harsh words or anything like that. I don't see how I was devalued, judging by how that seems to typically go. But I feel worthless and just wonder how this could even happen. I want her back so badly because we were NOTHING but happy together. All signs, to me, point toward her fearing eventual abandonment. Is there any way I can get her back or do I just have to wait and see? I don't know how much more of this I can take.

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[EdR]

Well... .don't you feel all those positive comments only reinforce the idea of splitting?

To me it sounds like a clear-cut idealisation phase. So you were 'split white' so to speak.

Then something in her head triggered and you were split black. I don't really see what you mean by 'the normal way of splitting black'. Not every pwBPD is the same. In my life I never had to deal with the "yelling kind", just with the silent ones.

I know where you are right now. You just don't understand how someone could switch from "all positive" to... .well... ."this". And that hurts.
But that's the problem of BPD. No matter how much I've read about it, it won't ever feel natural to me. It can be psychologically explained, but it still is not the kind of behaviour that's natural to NONs.

I guess everyone on these boards would love to go back to the idealisation phase. I for one would love to. I just don't see a way.
I thought middle ground would be possible. Just being 'normal' friends instead of some kind of 'awesome superhero thing' . But I couldn't even achieve THAT... .And that sucks... .

My guess is you will have to wait and see. But as you are experiencing right now, the waiting game is awfully hard... .So at some point you'll have to take a step back and ask yourself if this is the life you'd really want to live... .

[dreamslender]

I can really relate to your pain, so much of what I read from you sounded familiar to me. It's so hard for me to understand how someone could say such wonderful, deep things one moment and then be content to love life without you the next. It's confusing and I'm so sorry you're experiencing it as well.

My ex told me many times we would spend our lives together, that she had never loved like this. Yet after our first week of real conflict in a year, she had no problem suddenly breaking things off. We were supposed to move in together weeks later.

It makes no sense to me either, and I don't know if there's a way to turn it around. If it helps at all I do know that her past ex finally got through to her after being blocked on everything so there's always hope. Sometimes persistence does pay off.

I wish I could say what will happen one way or another but from what I've seen here it's something that could go either way. She could come back in weeks, months, years, or never again. I think your best bet is to give her some time and find a way to re-establish contact.

[DeltaBravo]

Hi Loveless & everyone who replied here so far.

There are so many of us here that have felt the same way.

Certainly same wounds for me and very fresh ones like yours.

Feel free to see my post about our engagement being called off.

The similarities in the story would make you think ( are we all dating the same girl )

2 months ago I was split black suddenly and through a text she ended the relationship.

I was blocked everywhere without even being able to respond or ask what happened.

Same as you I wrote a letter to her as it was the only form of contact I had access to. She unblocked me everywhere called me for 1 hour and 30 minutes and devalued me using the same exact words and sentences she used on our first breakup plus stating strongly that she won't come back.

Then she proceeded in blocking me again ( 3 weeks now ).

I can understand your situation very well but as other members said you have to focus on the process of learning as much as you can and internalizing it so you are ready when / if contact comes again.

Feel free to private message me if you need to talk to someone about it.
Stay strong my friend. ( This forum will help you enormously )

[Loveless2615]

I appreciate all of your kind words. I've just been trying to make sense of all this, especially because she didn't do anything nasty. Made me have some hope we could find our way back if she realized we're good for each other. Our days together were always the happiest. As an update, I randomly noticed she unblocked me from Facebook. Naturally, I'm overthinking and reading into this. Could it mean anything positive?

[dreamslender]

I do think it's positive. If anything it shows that she has been thinking of you or felt her actions in blocking you made her look petty.

Everyone tells me not to read into these little 'breadcrumbs', either positive or negative they don't mean much. If you're anything like me you'll have a hard time not reading into every little thing but it's for the best.

I would wait another week or two, and if you haven't heard back perhaps reach out through facebook. Tell her you sent a letter, ask if she received it, and let her know you're here for her when she's ready to talk.

[schwing]

Hi Loveless2615,

So now despite all this, despite the fact that I was constantly reassuring and giving, she left me days later. We live an hour apart so it's not like we didn't have space, I mean we talked every day but she always initiated that.

I hope you realize that her behavior has nothing to do with what you did or did not do.  Her behavior is due primarily to her disorder.  And as Edr, dreamslender, and DeltaBravo wrote, I agree that it appears she had split you white for some time (e.g., all of her words which you quoted) before she eventually split you black.

Understanding this behavior (or any other BPD behavior) is difficult to empathize with because non-disordered people are not wired in the same fashion.

I've done so much research on BPD, and everyone wants to make it sound like I've been split black but honestly there were no harsh words or anything like that. I don't see how I was devalued, judging by how that seems to typically go.

My understanding is that the alternation between idealization and devaluation can occur quite frequently in the span of a relationship. Some people with BPD (pwBPD) will act on these impulses and you get the more overt push-pull behavior during the relationship.  However, I believe that some pwBPD (I include my exuBPDgf one such) keep to themselves when they devalue you.  Especially if they have sufficient space in which they can hide those occasions of devaluation.

I was in a long distance relationship for much of my five year BPD relationship.  Whenever I was with her, such as during the weekends, it was almost all idealization.  And when I was away, I got the clinging behaviors, such as wanting to be in contact as much as was possible.  And when I was not in contact with her, she most likely devalued me.

From the non-disordered perspective, our attachment grew over time.  While from the disordered perspective, they just alternate between idealizing and devaluing.  And when we are not around them the majority of the time, we only see a part of the picture and we fill in the gaps in a way that makes sense to us (and which is not necessarily an accurate representation of what was actually going on).

It took me a few years after the fact to really start piecing it together.  I think when you have more time to heal and recover, you might start recalling more to help you get a more complete picture.

But going back to what you wrote.  Ok, maybe she didn't paint you black directly in your face.  But discard her words (which sound pretty generic to me) and just listen to her actions.

Oh, and I'm also blocked on every single form of social media and communication. I wrote her a letter telling her how amazing and deserving she is, and I've heard nothing back. It's been just about two weeks since this split happened and honestly it's killing me.

But I feel worthless and just wonder how this could even happen.

She blocks you from every single form of communication.
She completely ignores a letter you wrote to her trying to reach out to her.
She treats you in a way that makes you feel worthless.

This is not the response you get from someone who is "sorry" and "grateful she met [you]."  This is the response you get from someone who wants you out of their life, someone who sees you as "all black."

All signs, to me, point toward her fearing eventual abandonment.

IMHO, not "eventual abandonment," but "imagined abandonment."  You did not act in any way that would communicate to a non-disordered person that you would leave them.  But to someone who is disordered.  They will *imagine* that you intend to abandon them (such as when they devalue you) and the best way to avoid abandonment is to abandon first.

Is there any way I can get her back or do I just have to wait and see? I don't know how much more of this I can take.

You can't get her back.  It's up to her if she is devaluing the next person to the point that she is looking for other options, then she might consider recycling you.  And the approach will be very guarded.  Such as by unblocking you and seeing what you have to offer.

And then you have to decide.

Do you truly believe that she has this disorder?
Because if you believe that she has this disorder, then you will have to consider that even if you do re-engage with her, there is nearly nothing you can do to prevent her from alternating between idealizing and devaluing you (again).  This time hurt.  Next time will probably hurt more.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[evanescent]

In my wife's final moments (and most before), she was idealizing me, but even that was not enough.

I'll spare the rest of the details there, but this is part of the defenses that go with BPD: Push people away when it hurts too much or the perception is that people are being hurt.

I lost count of the number of bridges my wife burned in her final days of splitting. It was not because she hated, but because she hated what she could not cope with in a healthy way. Shame and embarrassment were veiled in anger.

[smart_storm26]

"Is there any way I can get her back or do I just have to wait and see"

In Love and Relationships, you cannot pull someone towards you with a rope (literally speaking). You can be a strong gentleman and allow her to come to you. She has to walk those steps. You cannot walk those steps and drag her towards you. She will run away again. Stay where you are. Be strong. Be happy. Be successful. Chase your own goals and dreams. Not her. Leave the taking steps to her

[EdR]

In my wife's final moments (and most before), she was idealizing me, but even that was not enough.

I'll spare the rest of the details there, but this is part of the defenses that go with BPD: Push people away when it hurts too much or the perception is that people are being hurt.

I lost count of the number of bridges my wife burned in her final days of splitting. It was not because she hated, but because she hated what she could not cope with in a healthy way. Shame and embarrassment were veiled in anger.

I feel the bold part is interesting... .and a little confusing. Is this indeed true? Any ideas or theories?
So could we get pushed away (and get hurt), because they don't want us to get hurt? Sounds a little shaky to me... .very interested to hear your thoughts. 
I would very much appreciate the feedback here ;-)

[dreamslender]

I do believe that, at least in the case with my ex. In the beginning of the breakup, she explained that she felt she was not behaving in a "healthy" manner towards me, and thought that I deserved better. She told me if she were to be a friend giving me advice, she would tell me to leave her. She also said that she felt if we continued, we'd only progress into something toxic. However after a few days, she stated that she was simply a great deal happier on her own. I don't know what the truth is.

So perhaps its a combination of those things. Perhaps it is a fear of enmeshment, abandonment, as well as hurting a partner.

[evanescent]

I feel the bold part is interesting... .and a little confusing. Is this indeed true? Any ideas or theories?
So could we get pushed away (and get hurt), because they don't want us to get hurt? Sounds a little shaky to me... .very interested to hear your thoughts. 
I would very much appreciate the feedback here ;-)

I can really only speculate I suppose, as my wife was at times capable of being introspective about her behavior and relaying that to me rationally. Often however, it was far easier just to find fault with people to spark that match. Perhaps it's part of the narcissism that allows them to shovel under what most people might feel as empathy, and turn it around to others being crappy, so no reason to care.

Reading too much between the lines perhaps. Maybe my wife was a bit exceptional in that regard.

[Loveless2615]

So it’s the third day since I’ve been unblocked from Facebook, nothing else as far as I know. Still no contact. It’s been two and a half weeks since the split, about a week since she received my letter (don’t know if she read it or not). I just don’t know what to do. I can’t seem to move on, I don’t want anyone else. I told her once I could never date again because no one would ever be her. I feel like it’s obvious she wants nothing to do with me, but why unblock my FB? She always warned me she’d try pushing me away and it always helped when I stuck around in her episodes. I want to ask for my things back or ask if I should send her dads book back that he lent me, but I don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to move on. I’m so confused and I can’t stop thinking about her.

[vanx]

Loveless2615,
Man, do I feel for you. It's really painful to remember the loving words. I know it still haunts me the way my expwBPD said, "I have to ask myself why am I pushing away someone who I could spend the rest of my life with". But the fact is, she did leave, and in retrospect, a lot of her actions didn't match her words.
Attracting her back when the rug is pulled from under your feet is not easy. I remember how I felt--it was a painful shock. In my opinion though, hard as it is, your best bet is to move on with your life and take good care of yourself. It makes you more attractive to her, but also you are doing it for yourself, not her. By moving on, I don't mean you have to decide you are not interested in a relationship with her, but that she has backed away, so you back away too and focus on yourself. From what I gather (I never reconciled with my ex), pwBPD do not respond well to others having needs, even though your needs are completely valid. I think smart_storm26 worded it well about letting her make the move.
I know what it's like to want her back so bad. You have to take care of yourself though. You are experiencing the pain of being idealized and devalued. I think a lot of us can relate. No matter what happens with you and her, you have to get your own power back. You are not alone in dealing with this.

[evanescent]

I completely understand your need here.

I spent much of my work day being confused and angry at my wife, attempting to reconcile her final behavior as anything other than off the rails, but it hasn't worked. I've decided that I simply need to accept it and move on with the life I have been left with. You have a choice however.

Perhaps this is the wrong place to say such a thing, but she has given you an out. Let the past be irrelevant and dig into what the future may hold. Will it be more of the same? And if so, are you willing to tolerate it - even if it gets worse?

I would have stayed with my wife at least until my youngest graduated high school (he's just turned 13), not just for the children, but because I do love what she was when she was stable, but I can't say that a split would have been off the table at that point either. She wasn't treating and refused to do so.

I think it is reasonable to suggest that if you do really want her back and she wants the same, it should come with the condition of therapy for both of you. Otherwise, you are likely to get what you have always gotten.