What to do? He won't move on.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

My former husband has BPD & NPD. It was our second marriage and we didn't have children together. We were married for seventeen yrs. While going through our divorce he threatened suicide, spoke in front of our rotary club airing our divorce laundry to everyone claiming to be a victim and innocent of bad behavior and choices. Our divorce was final in 2014. He has been engaged to two women and now married for 1 year. I see him parked in front of my house. He figured out where I work and has come to my office 2xs, continues to find reasons to text and VM me. I completely ignore him and don't respond. He has spent all the money he got from our divorce and has lost at least 3 jobs in the last 4 years. No health insurance, then diagnosed with cancer. Got va healthcare and now I've learned his wife has left him.  Because he's broke he started a couple online fund raising campaigns to raise money for himself. He's primarily soliciting for help from his rotary club which members are very disturbed about. He has expressed extreme anger towards me and recently asked the club president to allow him to speak to the club again. The president denied his request in fear he would get up and bash me like he did the last time.  He told our president that every marriage has infidelity but that people just don't talk about it. So now he sends out spam type emails to all of our friends bashing me and blaming me for the "unwanted divorce" yet apparently turns around and tells them I was the love of his life. The things he writes about me and the friends he feels have wronged him are very hurtful. His writings are manic and he sounds emotionally unstable. My fear is that he is hitting rock bottom and I know from the past he is likely to break. As I stated when we were divorcing, he once threatened suicide. He was going to wait for me to come home, spray paint a message to me and shoot himself. Now because of his letter writing campaigns, I'm debating whether to file a restraining order.  For my self protection I know I should but I know doing so will be he the straw that breaks him. I want no contact with him.  I feel damned if I file the order and damned if I don't. Any suggestions?

[ItsAllAboutHim]

My former husband has BPD & NPD. It was our second marriage and we didn't have children together. We were married for seventeen yrs. While going through our divorce he threatened suicide, spoke in front of our rotary club airing our divorce laundry to everyone claiming to be a victim and innocent of bad behavior and choices. Our divorce was final in 2014. He has been engaged to two women and now married for 1 year. I see him parked in front of my house. He figured out where I work and has come to my office 2xs, continues to find reasons to text and VM me. I completely ignore him and don't respond. He has spent all the money he got from our divorce and has lost at least 3 jobs in the last 4 years. No health insurance, then diagnosed with cancer. Got va healthcare and now I've learned his wife has left him.  Because he's broke he started a couple online fund raising campaigns to raise money for himself. He's primarily soliciting for help from his rotary club which members are very disturbed about. He has expressed extreme anger towards me and recently asked the club president to allow him to speak to the club again. The president denied his request in fear he would get up and bash me like he did the last time.  He told our president that every marriage has infidelity but that people just don't talk about it. So now he sends out spam type emails to all of our friends bashing me and blaming me for the "unwanted divorce" yet apparently turns around and tells them I was the love of his life. The things he writes about me and the friends he feels have wronged him are very hurtful. His writings are manic and he sounds emotionally unstable. My fear is that he is hitting rock bottom and I know from the past he is likely to break. As I stated when we were divorcing, he once threatened suicide. He was going to wait for me to come home, spray paint a message to me and shoot himself. Now because of his letter writing campaigns, I'm debating whether to file a restraining order.  For my self protection I know I should but I know doing so will be he the straw that breaks him. I want no contact with him.  I feel damned if I file the order and damned if I don't. Any suggestions?

[livednlearned]

Hi ItsAllAboutHim,

He does sound very unstable, and I can understand your concern for his safety, as well as your own. I'm so sorry you are going through this  

There is a chapter in Gavin de Becker's book Gift of Fear about protective orders, what they can and cannot do. I don't want to paraphrase here in case I get it wrong -- I just remember it was helpful in explaining whether filing a TRO would make my ex more dangerous. This is de Becker's particular specialty, gauging danger in an unstable and/or violent person. If there is anyone more expert on the topic, I don't know of them. Perhaps that chapter would help you evaluate whether a TRO might be helpful in your situation.

Would you consider talking to a lawyer in your state to find out if there is another solution? I am wondering if your ex could be involuntarily committed for making suicidal threats. In many states, suicide is considered a violent act, and there may be steps to take to protect himself from himself... .to at least get him evaluated and in the system.

[ForeverDad]

My former husband has BPD & NPD... .My fear is that he is hitting rock bottom and I know from the past he is likely to break. As I stated when we were divorcing, he once threatened suicide... .Now because of his letter writing campaigns, I'm debating whether to file a restraining order.  For my self protection I know I should but I know doing so will be the straw that breaks him. I want no contact with him.  I feel damned if I file the order and damned if I don't.

I'm guessing he was never actually diagnosed with BPD or NPD?  I ask because many of us here never managed to get official confirmation of the behaviors we observed.  It seemed divorce courts gave the most attention to dealing with people as they are and not how to treat or fix them.  So if no diagnosis, don't fret, you know what you're dealing with even if the professionals either aren't involved or don't want to call it like it is.

You'll have to Let Go of your concerns about what he may do to harm himself if you decide to protect yourself, such as with a protection or restraining order.  You have no obligation to your ex-spouse.  You need to place a higher priority to your own welfare than his.  Fact is, he's an adult, he is responsible for himself, not you.  He's hellbent on using or abusing you.  You can't afford to feel sorry for him.  Protecting yourself is not harming him.  He will harm, and has harmed, himself no matter what you do.  You are not responsible for him.  As clinical psychologist Dr Joe Carver observed (www.drjoecarver.com/) we need to identify and deal with the losers, users and abusers.

If his threats of suicide aren't recent then it may be harder to obtain preemptive intervention from the professionals.  If older than 6 months then such threats, whether to manipulate you or real contemplation, may be considered 'stale' or not actionable.

Just understand that if you seek a protection order, you'll need to be consistent that you're 'fearful' due to his continuing behaviors.  If he gets a lawyer to object to it, the lawyer would probably try to get you to admit that sometimes you're not afraid and then seek dismissal saying you're inconsistent.  (My ex's lawyer tried that but fortunately failed.)

Based upon his continuing behaviors, have you reviewed another one of the Cluster B Personality Disorders?  Look at Histrionic PD.