Looking for someone in a similar situation

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Our adult son (31 years old) has been seeing someone for the last 5 years, the last 2 of which they have been living together in her small condo apartment. She is a high school French teacher. He almost finished an Arts and Science degree at a major university (two courses shy), and *did* finish a 4-year music degree just this Spring at a community college. He is a musician and was making some money teaching and gigging.
Around about 2 (probably, we are discovering) 3 years ago, their behaviour changed. She used to joke about germaphobia but that seemed to blow up into a serious OCD condition. It took us some time to discover this. But we noticed that they seemed to be more and more isolated from us, from friends, from social occasions. And she seemed to "hide" out in their room at our family cottage. Finally, they told us some of the things they were going through. Our son has taken on the role of 24-hour caregiver. At one point she was off work on stress leave for several months, and that is when they really seemed to move into their own world. We learned that even though he understood he shouldn't, he was accommodating all of her rituals and also her huge fear of being without him.
In summary - he has no job, sees no friends, sees us only occasionally, no car, no place of his own, has stopped playing music because his bass is "contaminated" and has no visible means of independent support.
We sought help to understand what was happening and how we might best help him/them. We saw a psychotherapist for basically "talk therapy" and thought we were making some progress. We have been told see is seeking CBT through work assistance but we also know they lie to us and others - a lot!
We have now had two sessions with a registered psychologist. The difference between talking to a psychotherapist and a psychologist we have found to be profound. AND, it took her only about 15 minutes of questioning to recognize that our son's girlfriend *probably* has a cluster of OCD/BPD. And with that observation, all kinds of behaviours and strangenesses started to click into place. She has given us some very good advice, including reading the "Stop walking on eggshells" book, which led me to this site.
We want to support our son, we also don't want to make his situation worse. So I'm hoping to find someone in the same or similar situation - someone perhaps a little further down this road?

[Misha45]

Our adult son (31 years old) has been seeing someone for the last 5 years, the last 2 of which they have been living together in her small condo apartment. She is a high school French teacher. He almost finished an Arts and Science degree at a major university (two courses shy), and *did* finish a 4-year music degree just this Spring at a community college. He is a musician and was making some money teaching and gigging.
Around about 2 (probably, we are discovering) 3 years ago, their behaviour changed. She used to joke about germaphobia but that seemed to blow up into a serious OCD condition. It took us some time to discover this. But we noticed that they seemed to be more and more isolated from us, from friends, from social occasions. And she seemed to "hide" out in their room at our family cottage. Finally, they told us some of the things they were going through. Our son has taken on the role of 24-hour caregiver. At one point she was off work on stress leave for several months, and that is when they really seemed to move into their own world. We learned that even though he understood he shouldn't, he was accommodating all of her rituals and also her huge fear of being without him.
In summary - he has no job, sees no friends, sees us only occasionally, no car, no place of his own, has stopped playing music because his bass is "contaminated" and has no visible means of independent support.
We sought help to understand what was happening and how we might best help him/them. We saw a psychotherapist for basically "talk therapy" and thought we were making some progress. We have been told see is seeking CBT through work assistance but we also know they lie to us and others - a lot!
We have now had two sessions with a registered psychologist. The difference between talking to a psychotherapist and a psychologist we have found to be profound. AND, it took her only about 15 minutes of questioning to recognize that our son's girlfriend *probably* has a cluster of OCD/BPD. And with that observation, all kinds of behaviours and strangenesses started to click into place. She has given us some very good advice, including reading the "Stop walking on eggshells" book, which led me to this site.
We want to support our son, we also don't want to make his situation worse. So I'm hoping to find someone in the same or similar situation - someone perhaps a little further down this road?

[auspicium]

Hi Misha45,

I am a Newbie, too; however, I do see some similarities in our situations.  My DIL has also very nearly cost my son his employment by her behaviors and constant need for his attention.  He has also has become a caretaker for her and suffered a psychotic break prior to her diagnosis 5 years ago, due to the stress of the relationship and being in a new very demanding job.  He was the process of leaving her when she got into a DBT program that significantly improved their relationship for a while.  She immediately became pregnant against the advice of her therapist in order to cement him in the relationship.   It breaks my heart to see him give so much in this relationship and only getting emotionally abused in return.   However, I do know there isn't anything I can do about that.  They have been together for 13 years, most of which she has been a negative and destructive force. 

I am going to be trying to develop a relationship with my son, outside of her scrutiny, in order to mend some of the damage she has caused in our relationship. I am not sure how this will be accomplished and will be asking him what he will find helpful and supportive.  The isolation factor seems to be a strong component in the continuation of the inappropriate behaviors of the person with BPD. The more isolated she keeps him, the more she can distort his reality to fit hers. 

 I also signed up for our local Family Connections program in order to become better educated.  You sound as though you found the psychologist helpful and I am wondering if they have a background in DBT or CBT and have worked with BPD?  I am thinking about seeing a therapist as well and am not sure what I am looking for at this time.  This site seems to have some great resources and I am glad to have found it.  I wish you the best in this journey.