How to help teens cope with their BPD parent

[purposefulliving]

I am divorced since 2012 from my ex husband who is narcissistic and not sure what else. My daughter who is now 16 has been dealing with him since then. He calls her names, makes her do more chores at home than her brother, yells at her using profanity, just to name a few. She wants to sign an election to live with me however she is worried about the wrath of her father if she does. Any help would be appreciated.

[takingandsending]

Hi purposefulliving and welcome to bpdfamily.

It sounds like your D16 has been having a pretty awful time with NPD dad. And you say that she has been dealing with this type of painting black and verbal abuse since she was 11.

What is your current custody arrangement like? Have you spoken with an attorney to understand what the child custody laws are in your state, i.e. is there a specific age in which the courts would recognize D16's preference to live with one parent?

As you sort out the legal aspects (incidentally, you may want to post on the Family Law board for help on that count), you can support D16 by providing a lot of validation and also sharing some of the communication tools from this web site that will help her protect herself while she is with your ex or even as she separates from his care. The hardest thing for anybody, partner, spouse, child or parent interacting with someone who has BPD/NPD is establishing and maintaining any semblance of healthy boundaries. But there are really helpful tools here for making a start at that. https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I know that for my S11 and S6, I don't realistically expect them to be able to create and hold boundaries with their BPD mom (my ex) ... .I certainly struggled with that as an adult. But, I can encourage developing healthy boundaries within our relationship to build that muscle, and I try to provide a lot of validation and empathy when they are with me, as those are things that their mom has limited capacity to give. I think it's important for a kid undergoing attack by a parent to have someone in their corner that sees and gets what they are going through and has their back. From stories of some of the posters on these boards, that type of help from a parent can mean everything to a kid.

Please keep posting here. Others will have different views and ideas of how you can support your daughter. There is a lot of support within this community.

[Turkish]

How old is your son,  and how does he view what's going on at the other home?

takingandsending provides good advice.  Regarding validation of your daughter,  this book has been helpful to many members here:

The Power of Validation (for parents) - Karyn D. Hall, PhD

At the risk of assuming his emotional motivation, my experience growing up with a BPD mother was that her treatment of me got worse as I reached teen hood, 13-14 and on.  My mother had major issues with men,  so as i became one... .I moved out the day I turned 18 and could sign a lease. 

That being said,  she was my only mother,  and only parent (so it's good that you provide a safe haven!), and my feelings were conflicted: glad to be free,  yet she was my mother.  Your daughter is likely dealing with such feelings,  maybe leaning more towards anger and pain, being trapped like Cinderella, maybe. 

Pursue what can be done legally,  but validating her feelings can go a long way towards helping her cope while she reaches adulthood.  I felt so trapped... .but made the logical decision at 14 that 4 more years wasn't an eternity. Good that she has you for support 



Turkish

[livednlearned]

she is worried about the wrath of her father if she does

How do you feel about this? Likely, the two of you would weather the storms together.

She is taking a brave step to protect herself, and looking for a trusted adult to help her. That is probably more important than anything else -- trusting that you will stand by her despite the fury that will come your way.

It might help her in the years to come if and when she finds herself in a similarly abusive relationship.

I would help her locate the strength in what she is doing. "You are brave, and strong, and together we can do this. I can't promise he will change, and I can't be certain what the outcome will be, but I admire you so much for taking your pain seriously and knowing you deserve better. I will be here for you no matter what you decide to do, and will be here to walk alongside you."

Does she have a therapist? If not, would you consider family counseling with her? I wish I did this with my son, so we could process things together, as a newly defined family of two (his dad is no longer in his life).

It might also help your daughter if she can articulate why she wants the election, in language that takes control of her situation, instead of it being defined by her fear or disgust. This could help her with healing.

"I respect myself too much to be called names, or yelled at by anyone, much less the man who is supposed to protect me. I believe that taking the step to protect myself will give me the strength I need to have a cautious relationship with my father based on, at the very least, my own self-respect. When and if he is able to treat me respectfully, I look forward to having a relationship with him, and demonstrating for him how to treat significant women in his life."

My ex went through a psych eval and in it, the psychiatrist wrote that n/BPDx was unable to acknowledge the emotional lives of the significant women in his life, including mother, sister, and three ex-wives. The psychiatrist wrote that he was misogynistic, and that this prevented him from viewing women as people. Not surprisingly, that description could describe my own father, connecting the dots between FOO and relationship choices through most of my adult life.

You can help your D break the cycle, to at least show her how strong she is in changing the script her dad is trying to place in her head.

LnL