Not again

[jc2]

My partner has been raging at me for some months now and decided to walk out tonight - or rather storm out after trashing my things and pushing me over.

I try all of the validation techniques I can muster but she seems intent on escalation to the extent that she trashes the validations - 'you are just saying that because you do not want me to leave you etc.' followed by 'you are abusive to do that'.

The truth is I am pleased she has gone as I felt scared of her and what she might do.  And if I am scared of her - and she is scared of her then I cannot help the situation.

I know there have been people here who were able to stay in there and improve things but I do not know what else to do now.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

validation is an important life skill, and especially important when dealing with someone who is highly sensitive and struggles with expressing themselves. it lets them know that you hear and understand them and that their feelings are valid. its not necessarily the solution to stopping every fight, and its not the only communication tool to have in your tool belt.

two things can go wrong with validation, too.

1. you dont want to validate the invalid
2. validation doesnt work if its not sincere. if its not sincere, someone will see right through it and feel condescended to.

what was the rage about? what led up to it? any update today?

[Tattered Heart]

I'm sorry this happened to you jc2. Can you tell us more about the escalation and how you validated?

I'd like to second what once removed said. Validating insincerely will not be authentic and the pwBPD will feel like you are just trying to get them to be quiet.

One thing I ran into when I first began trying to validate is that I thought I was validating, but I also was being invlalidatig at the same time. Our workshop Don't Be Invalidating might help you too.

[Meili]

As once removed and Tattered Heart have said, validation can be tricky. It's even worse when we are just learning to do it. Sometimes it can be easier to not invalidate and ask validating questions.

[Tact]

I agree you can't validate the invalid. You can actively listen but I feel if you validate something that's not true it may stoke the fire and make the situation worse.

[Meili]

Validating something that is not valid is setting yourself up for problems in the future whether or not the person has BPD traits or not. It is a lie of sorts that can come back and haunt you.