How can things get any worse?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Hey everyone.  I found this forum about a year ago and have learned a lot of things. At the time I was trying to repair a broken relationship with my wife with BPD. (What was I thinking). Here is my story... .
3 years ago I caught my ex wife having multiple affairs. We had been married for ten years and had a 6 year old daughter who has autism. After the divorce I was extremely depressed, not in anyway emotionally ready to date, let alone start a relationship with anyone. However, this is when I met my current wife.  We dated for about 6 months. Things moved really fast. I ignored many redflags, like her refusing to talk to me for weeks at a time, or that she was a former heroin user, couldnt handle alcohol, and was a former stripper. I also ignored warnings from friends and family. She had told me she had BPD, and I didnt ask any questions. I liked her personality up to that point.I married her regardless. A couple of months after we got married things changed drastically. One night she said she was going to walk to the corner store for beer. Of course I objected. She didnt listen and left anyway. I followed her and tried to convince her this was a bad idea. In the middle of a busy street, she attacked me and I fell into a ditch next to the road. She kept punching me and would not give up. The following day, my ex wife came by to drop off my daughter. When I opened the door, she took one look at my face and refused to leave my daughter in my care. She left and called my mom who told her what had happened. (I had confided in my mom about being beaten up by my wife). My ex then didnt allow me to see my daughter, and I was the one with sole custody. During this time I became VERY depressed. I lost my ex wife and now I was about to lose my daughter. I blamed my ex, blamed my mom, and blamed myself. One night after my wife had slapt me in the face, I felt like I had lost her too. I went into the bathroom and hung myself with a belt over the bathroom door. The police came to my house and took me to the hospital where I stayed for a week.I didnt get to see my daughter until we went to court and the decision was for us to have joint custody. I had begun therapy and was put on antidepressants. A year after we got married I was thrown out of the house. I had to move back in with my parents at age 34. This is when I found this forum. I missed my wife. I loved her. 6 months afterwards we began to date. We would date for a couple of months at a time and then she would end things... .putting me back on a shelf, only taking me down when she wanted attention. This went on for a year and a half. Then one day I decided I didnt want to be treated like this, and stopped talking to her for 3 or 4 months. This is when she texted me and wanted to see me and "get back together" (or so I thought.) We began to see each other somewhat regular. Until I caught her at the river with another guy. She told me it would be best if I disappeared. Told me she had been drinking and doing meth and coke. She never wanted to talk to me again.  I only texted her once since then. I expressed I was scared for her and my 9 year old stepson.  Her new guy texted me back. Basically telling me to F off. And this was all my fault. Havent talked to her since. I have fallen into a major depression again. I have gone back to therapy. My therapist told me that I should get checked for STDs. Last week I found out that I have HPV (genital warts) and Herpes. I also have a screening next week for oral cancer. The cancer is not related to her, but things just keep getting worse. I dont know how much I can handle. Never ever have felt this bad before. Im not well. Physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

[Applecore]

Hey everyone.  I found this forum about a year ago and have learned a lot of things. At the time I was trying to repair a broken relationship with my wife with BPD. (What was I thinking). Here is my story... .
3 years ago I caught my ex wife having multiple affairs. We had been married for ten years and had a 6 year old daughter who has autism. After the divorce I was extremely depressed, not in anyway emotionally ready to date, let alone start a relationship with anyone. However, this is when I met my current wife.  We dated for about 6 months. Things moved really fast. I ignored many redflags, like her refusing to talk to me for weeks at a time, or that she was a former heroin user, couldnt handle alcohol, and was a former stripper. I also ignored warnings from friends and family. She had told me she had BPD, and I didnt ask any questions. I liked her personality up to that point.I married her regardless. A couple of months after we got married things changed drastically. One night she said she was going to walk to the corner store for beer. Of course I objected. She didnt listen and left anyway. I followed her and tried to convince her this was a bad idea. In the middle of a busy street, she attacked me and I fell into a ditch next to the road. She kept punching me and would not give up. The following day, my ex wife came by to drop off my daughter. When I opened the door, she took one look at my face and refused to leave my daughter in my care. She left and called my mom who told her what had happened. (I had confided in my mom about being beaten up by my wife). My ex then didnt allow me to see my daughter, and I was the one with sole custody. During this time I became VERY depressed. I lost my ex wife and now I was about to lose my daughter. I blamed my ex, blamed my mom, and blamed myself. One night after my wife had slapt me in the face, I felt like I had lost her too. I went into the bathroom and hung myself with a belt over the bathroom door. The police came to my house and took me to the hospital where I stayed for a week.I didnt get to see my daughter until we went to court and the decision was for us to have joint custody. I had begun therapy and was put on antidepressants. A year after we got married I was thrown out of the house. I had to move back in with my parents at age 34. This is when I found this forum. I missed my wife. I loved her. 6 months afterwards we began to date. We would date for a couple of months at a time and then she would end things... .putting me back on a shelf, only taking me down when she wanted attention. This went on for a year and a half. Then one day I decided I didnt want to be treated like this, and stopped talking to her for 3 or 4 months. This is when she texted me and wanted to see me and "get back together" (or so I thought.) We began to see each other somewhat regular. Until I caught her at the river with another guy. She told me it would be best if I disappeared. Told me she had been drinking and doing meth and coke. She never wanted to talk to me again.  I only texted her once since then. I expressed I was scared for her and my 9 year old stepson.  Her new guy texted me back. Basically telling me to F off. And this was all my fault. Havent talked to her since. I have fallen into a major depression again. I have gone back to therapy. My therapist told me that I should get checked for STDs. Last week I found out that I have HPV (genital warts) and Herpes. I also have a screening next week for oral cancer. The cancer is not related to her, but things just keep getting worse. I dont know how much I can handle. Never ever have felt this bad before. Im not well. Physically, emotionally, and psychologically.

[In a bad way]

Hey mate I'm sorry to hear all that and I know how you are feeling, I've been sliding back into a major depression as well.
I've been meaning to start a post for days but didn't know where to start or face typing it all out.
Sorry I can't be of more help at the moment but other people on this great board will get back to you soon.
Take care.

[confused4now]

 , I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this .  I too was/am married to a man with BPD.  I found paper work from his Dr when he abandon me for a month a little over a year ago.  I too did not know what it was and did not even investigate the illness, I wish I had.
 I was too busy playing detective because he lied to me constantly.  By tracking his phone and car I found out he had an entire life secret life.  Affairs, stealing, compulsive spending, missing a ton of work.   
 After the shock wore off, I vacillated between anxiety and depression.  I did not know if I was going to be able to function.  I tried every way possible to talk to my husband, I just wanted the truth.  He actually said he did not know how any of the apps or women's pictures got on his phone.  He went so far as to go to my family and tell them he thought I put them on their.  He dragged me into his therapist and told her I was making this up!  I was loosing my mind with this gas lighting, it was such a mess.  My own family did not know who to believe, they started to think I was paranoid. 
  It gets worse!  I kicked him out of the house so I could get a grip.  He filed a phony police report stating I beat him up 5 weeks earlier and he was afraid of me.  He disconnected my phone with out notice, turned off utilities that were in his name, and at 7 am the next morning a police gave me 1 hr to leave my home he served me a protection order.  He had moved out 3 weeks earlier.  I went and stayed numb for days. 
    I gotta tell you this is a good resource and you will get BETTER.  I started about 2 1/2 months ago and mentally feel much better!  Also, I got a therapist that specializes in BPD.  I read everything I can on this disorder and went NC right away.  I was so confused I had lost myself in the madness that comes with being in a relationship of this nature.  The longer you are in the relationship the more distorted you become too.  Be kind to yourself, try and focus on getting clarity.  Do not think the pain is an indicator that you are did anything wrong!  Put one foot in front of the other and take suggestions from people that have success in getting past this terrible situation. I am sending you positive vibes... .

[Applecore]

Thank you for your encouraging words.

[MeandThee29]

I agree. It will get better. You'll probably always have periods of sadness, but there will be more good times as you go.

Yesterday I told my therapist that I felt like I was in the shadows. And she pointed out that shadows can go away. The sun can shift, the tree can lose it's leaves or fall down, but shadows also don't hurt us physically. They can make us cold, but we can step out away from them too.

Don't give up. A lot of people here have been through hard times and have come out into a better chapter of life.

[hope2727]

It takes time but it gets better. Breathe in breathe out repeat was my mantra for a long long time. Just keep a written journal and look back at it after a time and you will see the improvement. Keep reading and keep posting. Hugs.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi Applecore,

I'd like to join the others in welcoming you to the board.  I'm so pleased you've already been learning here and hopefully have found the boards helpful to read.  It's great you have decided to post.  What you are describing is a truly awful situation to be in and I feel for you.  It's so hard when one thing seems to happen after another and can be totally overwhelming emotionally.  9 months out of my r/s I still have impacts in my life but am in a much healthier place in myself and things are falling into place.  Small steps add up so keep edging forwards. 

I am a bit worried about you because of your mention of attempting to take your life previously.  It's a relief to hear you're back in therapy given everything you've had to cope with.  Do you feel safe at the moment and have you told your therapist how you are feeling overall? 

The stress you are going through with the upcoming screening is immense.  I have a friend experiencing this right now and it's really tough.  Please be sure to reach out when you need to and get all the support you can.  It's very important that you look after yourself and treat yourself with kindness and compassion right now.  Do you have supportive friends and family who you can talk to?
 
Keep posting.  We're listening and we care.  Things can and do get better. 

Love and light x   

[Applecore]

Thank you everyone for your posts. I just want to say first is that im not thinking abouthurting myself. As far as support goes... .I really have none other than my therapist. My family just says things like "we told you so" "you were warned" "you were in bad shape when you met your wife". I know they mean well, but they can't relate to my entire life. As far as friends go... .I dont have any. That is why I was motivated to post here. Not only to vent. To get support. But hopefully encourage others. Do not make the same mistakes I did. Or maybe my horrible situation will make you feel better about yours. Your replies are much appreciated and bring tears to my eyes. I wish everyone the best!

[Harley Quinn]

Thanks for getting back to us.  I'm very relieved to hear that you feel safe right now. 

You will certainly get support here and for as long as you need it, so do remain in touch.  It is often the case that well meaning friends or family who are not close enough to the situation find it hard to understand the massive impact that a BPD r/s breakup can have on us.  It's unlike any other breakup, due to the intensely loaded bond that is formed during the r/s.  The sheer drama, chaos and ensuing anxiety, physical and emotional exhaustion can leave us feeling like we're not living on the same planet as everyone else.  I certainly felt that way and was living on the edge of my nerves at the time. 

It takes time to come down to earth from all of that so be prepared for things to sometimes go a little slower than you'd hope.  The process is well worthwhile though.  When you come out of the other side you will appreciate it for the lessons it holds for us.  There are some fantastic articles and lessons here to the right of the board and I'd encourage you to have a good read of anything that resonates with you.  The Lessons can help you to begin working through the healing process with an awareness of what is involved and remind us that what we are going through is to be expected.  This helped me to feel less critical of myself.

A favourite article of mine, and one I've re read more than any other is this one on Surviving a breakup when your partner has BPD.  I hope that you find it as helpful as many of us have.  It gave me perspective on what had happened and allowed me to move forwards whilst understanding what my personal stumbling blocks were.  Do let us know if you feel any of the beliefs that can keep us stuck would apply to you.  I had several. 

How much time do you spend with your daughter?  I have to say that being with my son (I share care with his father) on the days he is with me gives me a huge boost as I really relish every moment we spend together.  Being able to focus on him completely allows me to switch off a little and just be present, play and have fun.  It does a world of good for me.  Joy, in every shape and form, is important to find and appreciate in such difficult times.  It might just be enjoying watching something on the TV, or a good book.  Doesn't have to be profound.  Recognising the good is important to give some balance to what can otherwise be an all consuming experience.  Be sure to look after your basic needs too.  Treat yourself well and don't expect too much from yourself all at once.  You don't need me to point out that you have a lot going on.

Love and light x   

[Applecore]

This is the second reply I have made today... .yeah I know obsessing is not healthy wish I could stop. On a positive note I feel like im slowly getting out of the "FOG". Yes I "Fear" what my future holds, and I still feel "Guilty", but am starting to wonder why. I think questioning that is a step in the right direction. As far as obligation is concerned I dont feel obligated to my wife anymore. I have even given up hope that she will reach out, Apologise, or any form of communication (good or bad). I have come to grips that is over. And as mean as it sounds, she is someone else's trainwreck now. I still miss her, but would never ever take her back. I used to want closure but am starting to accept that I will never get any. That might be a good thing considering I cant believe anything she says anymore. I will miss her family and deeply hurt they haveshut me out. My wife's stepdad went to the hospital a couple of days ago and I texted my mother inlaw to see how he was. To tell them that im rooting for both of them during this scary time... .Still no reply... .I know I didnt have to do that. But why should Iallow my wife's behavior and the people she has turned against me, to prevent me from being a decent human being. People including my therapist have told me to be angry... .even to hate. But if I allow others to make me feel that way, aren't I allowing them to have "power" over me? I don't feel compassion or sorry for my wife anymore... .I am just having a hard time to feeling angry at her. I have accepted that some things are out of my hands. I was her husband not a therapist. It never was my responsibility to "help her" in that kind of way (even though that is what she constantly asked me to do). Would you agree that a BPD's means of existence or sole purpose in life is to make others their "___" for lack of a better term. They dont feel good about themselves as long as they make you their doormat? They dont want to kill you they enjoy watching yousuffer. Not only stab you, but get pleasure from twisting the knife? I didnt talk to my wife for almost 4 months! And she said she wanted me back (even though she was having an affair). Im only guessing she did this because my ex wife kept a relationship she had with another guy secret for years. She wanted me to feel just as bad or worse than my ex wife made me feel. She had to "top" whatever pain my ex caused me. I should send her a trophy. Now I know that when a BPD promises you anything... .that is how you can tell they are lying. Be careful when they use words like never, or always. Sorry for my rant. Maybe I am starting to feel the anger.