Well any GOT fans will recognize that insightful little title. I am personally feeling it these days. Despite arriving here in the breakup crisis of a romantic relationship with someone with BPD I have learned so much about other relationships in my life and myself through the experience. Tonight I wanted to share an ah ha moment.
So I have pretty much detached myself from my family. I have a parent who requires care and is a lovely wonderful person so I am required to keep in touch with sibling to some extent but in truth I am as low contact as is possible. I am practicing my boundaries and to some degree it becomes easier as I go along.
One of my siblings is seriously ill with cancer and I get the sense she may not survive. Even if she does my new perspective on our previous relationship makes me realize how toxic it was. I have been gas lit, demonized had smear campaigns run and had every attempt at boundaries smashed through with this particular sibling. She is famous for raging at me, or cutting me off completely then popping up like nothing ever happened. Occasionally its almost funny. Like when she gave out my personal information to someone she was aware I am deliberately not in contact with. On that occasion I clearly and expressly asked that she not share my personal info with anyone without my express consent. She raged until I replied jokingly "thats ok, no problem I'll just list the house and move again". (I had literally taken possession of the house days earlier.) She promptly hung up on me. Funniest part is she is a privacy act attorney and was involved with drafting much of the surrounding legislation. It took years before she swept that one under the rug and acted like it never happened. It took a couple of more years before she handed my phone number and address over to a random person from my past again. Even told her I would likely let her move in with me as she and her dogs were unemployed and living in a car in another city and obviously my tiny house can take in her and her pets. Sigh. No boundaries with this sibling at all.
Anyway over the next couple of years things between us deteriorated badly and I just stopped trying. If she texted me I used BIFF and moved on. She has done a couple of triangulation attempts with other siblings and even a personal friend of mine. I just either totally ignore or BIFF. Well tonight I get a random text (first one in probably a year) claiming she is asking on behalf of my beloved elderly aunt if I have a book my aunt supposedly saw in my house and is trying to get back.
At first I jump into "I don't recognize the title but maybe I do have it. I'll look. I don't know what the cover looks like. I should text her back and ask. I had a different book of a different uncles for a bit but I don't think I have that anymore. It couldn't be the same one could it? Where would said missing book be if it was here?" Off I go (abandoning term paper due at midnight) to search for said missing book supposedly in my possession. I have a tiny house and the search yielded nothing.
*************
WAIT A MINUTE!
Aunty hasn't been in this house more than 5 minutes in the past 7 years. (Uncle is allergic to everything and I had pets so they aunty and uncle never come inside.) I have never heard of this book. I can't imagine it is actually here. So is sibling just baiting me to open the lines of communication? Well forget that. If she wants to speak to me she can open her mouth (or text) like anyone else. Cancer or no cancer I am done being her emotional punching bag. She knows how to say "hello I want to be in touch with you"
But my mind worries maybe I do have the book and so I think "I will just call aunty and ask her directly what book it is and what it looks like".
WAIT A MINUTE!
(Can ya hear it coming?)
I just avoided a triangulation.
Hmmmmmm what do you know. See I, like Sansa, am a slow learner. But I do learn.
Anyway I felt really satisfied that I didn't fall for the bait and triangulate. I have many, many times before and it sucks.
I will call aunty tomorrow somewhere between church and nap time. She has a strict schedule. I will ensure if she indeed asked sibling to pass this along, what book in question is missing, did she see it here, what it looks like and if I have it. I am sure I don't.
Sibling has used said aunty to triangulate and smear me before and when aunty realized it the whole situation was quickly nipped in the bud.
My exfiancee wBPD used to call my 4.11" 89 year old aunty the "matriarch" of our huge clan. He said "when she speaks people jump to it don't they?" He was dead on the money. She is wonderful and amazing and I am a better person for having known her. So I am completely comfortable approaching her. It will be a good chance to catch up with her and a good chance to maintain boundaries with sibling.
Meanwhile I am glad that I am slowly learning to take care of myself. I can't take anymore trauma from my FOO so I just plug along and don't worry to much about them. They are all beloved to me in their own way but my participation in the chaos is damaging to me and them. So best to accept my role as scapegoat as it helps them unify for important things that need doing.
Ok well as an orphan by choice I am often lonely and I really wanted to share this epiphany. I felt this is the only forum where I think people will truly "get it".
Thanks for listening gang. Hope you are all well.
