I Want To Live Life to its Fullest but This Brings me Down

[Ceiba2017]

I've been dealing with some problems my husband has been having for quite some time and I'm coming here to find some help coping. Things were going fine for the first five years we were together which was the point when we got married. I then began to notice bouts of intense emotion which were mistaken for bipolar disorder. As a result he went to a psychiatrist and he started taking medication. He eventually lost faith in his psychiatrist and  decided to stop taking his meds. After observing him off meds for about 6months I realized that he didn't quite fit the bi-polar description. I still noticed periods of high emotional stress triggered by difficult life events, but things would eventually calm down and we would be able to move on with things. 

Years later we encountered a difficult situation with some roommates we lived with. He went into one of these emotional bouts but this time it lasted longer than usual. I tried to reason with him that he was acting inappropriately towards the situation. In his eyes this made me an enemy. He started to tell me that I didn't stand up for him against our roommates and started blaming me for things. He would have these emotional outbursts at strange times like when I was trying to get ready for work. It dragged on for two weeks. It started to really bring me down and I would have to totally fake like I was ok in order to carry out my day to day responsibilities.  It was so intense I started going through ways in my head how I might leave the relationship. Then a few weeks later our roommates moved out and he seemed to return back to normal. Still I was left with this internal feeling of resentment. Months went by and he seemed to doing very well. Then one day he got into a terrible fight over the phone with one of his sisters.  It turned into a major family conflict. This set him off in a way I had never seen him behave before. He would have these emotional bouts and start crying. He was crying almost everyday. He started going after me for attending school online saying I had my own life and wasn't paying any attention to him. He would attack me for some of the hobbies I was involved in because I would spend time away from him and he didn't like the people I carried out my hobbies with. I felt so awful I couldn't think and started performing poorly at work. This seemed to go on and on and I knew I had to put my foot down in some way. I decided to be firm that our marriage would not last until he got some form of professional therapy. The only way I could get him to go is if I told him it was couples therapy. We started off in couples and then we both branched off to separate therapists. At first we thought the issue was PTSD but he refused to do EMDR because he went online and read bad stories about it. As i worked with my individual therapist and described to her some of the problems that came up with my husband she started to point me in the direction of BPD. She read a description of the disorder that put me in a crisis because it sounded almost exactly like my husband. I never told my husband this is what I he might have. He refuses to seek any diagnosis or take any medication after being misdiagnosed with bi-polar disorder.

Things still come up and I feel like this resentment is growing inside of me to the point that I don't feel that I love him as much as I used to. I would like things to get better and return to the way they were when we were in our twenties. We've been together thirteen years and I'm getting up there in age. I find it difficult to consider have children with him if he has this disorder and does not resolve it. It would be nice to talk to more people who can understand this and won't judge me for what I've dealt with. I've been on the fence about leaving the marriage because I feel like things can improve. I'm looking for ways to cope, resolve things or maybe find a way out.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hello Ceiba2017,



Welcome to the family! Sorry to hear about the pain and confusion you have been dealing with. What describe sounds very similar to things many of us here are dealing with. We tend to sense something is "off" in our relationships and our partners actions, but can't quite pin it down. It can take us to some pretty confusing and hard to navigate places in life - that is for sure!

There is a lot here, so I want to focus in one thing and hope that soon other members will find time to engage with as well, but I notice you mentioning not having mentioned BPD to him. It is often said around here, with good reason, that mentioning the diagnosis (or potential one) we risk upsetting the person and it is not a good idea. That is certainly a fair assessment, but not to be taken as a one size fits all thing. I think in your case it might be an option to present this idea because you both have experience with therapy, etc. Perhaps, as I did before I came to this site, you could just suggest he look at a symptoms list or take an online assessment. I did that with my spouse and he agreed with it immediately - that this sounded very familiar. That helped me to get on the right track with sorting this stuff out. I am honestly still not convinced of what his exact health issues are, but I do know he has some of the traits of BPD so I work with it like that.

Because of my spouses mistreatment of me at times I have had to debate my quality of love for him at times. This is something many of us struggle with and we definitely hear you! I have found some strategies to deal with this, and perhaps others can also share about theirs.

In my case I do a lot to create a loving home life and speaking to each other in loving ways to help... .not bring back the early times, but rather, create a present that has its own nice, special feel to it. We've been telling stories to each other lately about our early years, but I find they feel so distant now. Hearing them brings up some good memories, but I am sure I can never recapture those times. Instead I try to focus on making a new type of "romance" for the current era. My birthday is this month and I have a batch of birthday issues... .So, instead of being bummed out or disappointed I have embarked on a month long birthday extravaganza - though with limited means of course - and brought him along on the ride. So far it has been quite amusing and fun and will create good memories as well... .we'll see how it goes.

Take care and looking forward to hearing more from you and others about these issues!

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Ceiba2017

Welcome I' m sorry to hear that things have been so up and down in your life. YOu've found a great place for support and advice. It helps to know that others out there understand what you are going through. We have a lot of really great lessons on the right side of the page that can help you begin to make changes in your relationship. We have a saying that you can't start making things better until you stop making them worse. Learning new ways of reacting to your partner can help relieve some of hte pressure and help you feel like you have a say in the realtinship.

To get you started here check out this lesson on The Dos and Don'ts of a BPD Relationship

[Ceiba2017]

Thanks you both for your responses. I haven't been on this board for a while. I think I've been in denial about how much support I actually need and how much I need to change things within myself. I will be creating a new post soon.