Just thought i would tell you where I am in this nightmare

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

  Hi everyone

Just thought I would write everything down as to where I am now in my own personal BPD nightmare!  It helps me to put it all down on here... .its a therapy to how far I've come.  I'm sorry for the length of my post but this is the potted version!

So! ... .it's a long story.  We met in November 2015 and by god did he reel me in... .big time! I thought Wow this is THE ONE!  That started to change after about 3/4 months and it was like someone had turned the fridge on!  We always had a dramatic relationship in the UK coupled with his equally dramatic 4 daughters!... .but I loved him.  We lived in Spain together since July 2016 and got married February 2017.  We had so many issues... .the main one obviously being he is mentally ill.  He has bipolar but then recently got diagnosed with BPD as well.  So many dramas and he was off and on, rude, moody, then over the top.  He is a narcissist as well!  But of course everything was projected back at me and it was all my fault!  Anyway back in March he drove my car home DUI into the villa gates and caused so much damage... .which I had to pay for, the insurance excess.  We argued, he punched me twice and so to protect myself I punched back and knocked his two front false teeth out.  Anyway we got back together afterwards as he wanted to make a go of it - after he had gone back to the UK for a while.  That didn't work so he went back to the UK in June.  He was sectioned (had to stay in there for nearly a month before they would discharge him).  In there he was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  He had to have drugs to stop him drinking and was also put on new meds which in his words were great and he said he was in a good place and wanted to come back.  I foolishly agreed because I thought what if he had been on the wrong meds and he truly was better now and at this point I still adored him.  He then came back at the end of July and it didn't work ... .within two days he had stopped taking his new meds and started drinking again and the same cycle was developing... .get up at 2/3pm and going to bed at 2/3am without wanting to do anything in between including talking or contributing towards the relationship.   Going down to the bar every night and talking to the whole community about us... .showing no loyalty to our relationship whatsoever and constantly berated me to them and told such terrible lies, one being that I hit him every day (I am 7st and he is 14.5 and a personal trainer).  I told him things were not going to improve and that we should continue with our divorce... .bad move!  He told me he wasn't going to go, that I could pay for everything (as I had been doing) and that he wanted a share of the villa before he went.  (I owned the villa two years before I met him and he came into this relationship with hardly anything and had been kept financially since July 2016).  He refused to leave... .I found out he had home rights to live here even though he had no claim on it.

So because I wouldn't give him money he started to trash the place, threatened to take down walls and a bar he had HELPED to build, tried to hurt my dog Buddy three times, left lights on all night, cigarettes and ash on the floor, steal things, leave the whole kitchen every night after cooking, greasy pans etc,.  I put up with it for a month, kept a diary of everything, took pictures and videos where he is being so hostile and threatening and basically very scary and calling me things that I would never put on here.    He went down the pub every nite, ate all the food I had bought, electric, gas.  He bought a few bits of shopping.  The final straw was the third time he tried to hurt Buddy 24th August!  I then decided that morning that enough was enough and that I had to take control before Buddy was seriously hurt or maybe me!  I took all my info to the police here in Spain and they also asked about the violence in March.

So to cut a very long story short I got a protection order for 6 months within 100m.  The police picked him up that day and put him in prison for the night.  We were in court the next day 25th Aug where they granted me the protection order.  He had to move out and moved in with friends up the road but we both had to go to the big court on the 8th Sept for the domestic violence and unreasonable behaviour.  Well he did a runner back to the UK before the 8th and got a letter saying he was too mentally ill to travel back even though he was seen in our home town shortly before in a bar very drunk and very loud.  So I went, said my piece and heard last week that I won but I have to wait to hear the sentence as they have to tell him first.  He said at the first court hearing when I got the protection order that he has never hit me but I have text messages from him admitting he did!  He is an habitual liar.   He also broke the protection order last week by trying to get in contact with me which I have had to report to both the police and my solicitor, seeing as I requested it.

So I am here in Spain now on my own with Buddy slowly getting myself back together.  I don't think I realised what this all did to me to be honest.  My BP was sky high in the beginning but has since come down to my normal low levels.  I get anxious some days still for no apparent reason and seem to worry about nothing some days... .too much of being alone I think!  I feel light headed some days and dizzy but I just tell myself that it is all the stress coming out of me.  I try to keep busy and think positive and that life is so much better without living under that threat.  I still have good friends here (the ones that saw through all his lies!).

I plan to go back to the UK for good in February but have Xmas booked there with my parents so I am looking forward to that :-)

My divorce under UK law can start a year and one day after the wedding so 15th February I will start and he will undoubtedly be difficult!

Well that's where I am ... .thanks if you took the time to read this and hope you are all moving ahead with your problems.

xx

[bollinger]

  Hi everyone

Just thought I would write everything down as to where I am now in my own personal BPD nightmare!  It helps me to put it all down on here... .its a therapy to how far I've come.  I'm sorry for the length of my post but this is the potted version!

So! ... .it's a long story.  We met in November 2015 and by god did he reel me in... .big time! I thought Wow this is THE ONE!  That started to change after about 3/4 months and it was like someone had turned the fridge on!  We always had a dramatic relationship in the UK coupled with his equally dramatic 4 daughters!... .but I loved him.  We lived in Spain together since July 2016 and got married February 2017.  We had so many issues... .the main one obviously being he is mentally ill.  He has bipolar but then recently got diagnosed with BPD as well.  So many dramas and he was off and on, rude, moody, then over the top.  He is a narcissist as well!  But of course everything was projected back at me and it was all my fault!  Anyway back in March he drove my car home DUI into the villa gates and caused so much damage... .which I had to pay for, the insurance excess.  We argued, he punched me twice and so to protect myself I punched back and knocked his two front false teeth out.  Anyway we got back together afterwards as he wanted to make a go of it - after he had gone back to the UK for a while.  That didn't work so he went back to the UK in June.  He was sectioned (had to stay in there for nearly a month before they would discharge him).  In there he was also diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.  He had to have drugs to stop him drinking and was also put on new meds which in his words were great and he said he was in a good place and wanted to come back.  I foolishly agreed because I thought what if he had been on the wrong meds and he truly was better now and at this point I still adored him.  He then came back at the end of July and it didn't work ... .within two days he had stopped taking his new meds and started drinking again and the same cycle was developing... .get up at 2/3pm and going to bed at 2/3am without wanting to do anything in between including talking or contributing towards the relationship.   Going down to the bar every night and talking to the whole community about us... .showing no loyalty to our relationship whatsoever and constantly berated me to them and told such terrible lies, one being that I hit him every day (I am 7st and he is 14.5 and a personal trainer).  I told him things were not going to improve and that we should continue with our divorce... .bad move!  He told me he wasn't going to go, that I could pay for everything (as I had been doing) and that he wanted a share of the villa before he went.  (I owned the villa two years before I met him and he came into this relationship with hardly anything and had been kept financially since July 2016).  He refused to leave... .I found out he had home rights to live here even though he had no claim on it.

So because I wouldn't give him money he started to trash the place, threatened to take down walls and a bar he had HELPED to build, tried to hurt my dog Buddy three times, left lights on all night, cigarettes and ash on the floor, steal things, leave the whole kitchen every night after cooking, greasy pans etc,.  I put up with it for a month, kept a diary of everything, took pictures and videos where he is being so hostile and threatening and basically very scary and calling me things that I would never put on here.    He went down the pub every nite, ate all the food I had bought, electric, gas.  He bought a few bits of shopping.  The final straw was the third time he tried to hurt Buddy 24th August!  I then decided that morning that enough was enough and that I had to take control before Buddy was seriously hurt or maybe me!  I took all my info to the police here in Spain and they also asked about the violence in March.

So to cut a very long story short I got a protection order for 6 months within 100m.  The police picked him up that day and put him in prison for the night.  We were in court the next day 25th Aug where they granted me the protection order.  He had to move out and moved in with friends up the road but we both had to go to the big court on the 8th Sept for the domestic violence and unreasonable behaviour.  Well he did a runner back to the UK before the 8th and got a letter saying he was too mentally ill to travel back even though he was seen in our home town shortly before in a bar very drunk and very loud.  So I went, said my piece and heard last week that I won but I have to wait to hear the sentence as they have to tell him first.  He said at the first court hearing when I got the protection order that he has never hit me but I have text messages from him admitting he did!  He is an habitual liar.   He also broke the protection order last week by trying to get in contact with me which I have had to report to both the police and my solicitor, seeing as I requested it.

So I am here in Spain now on my own with Buddy slowly getting myself back together.  I don't think I realised what this all did to me to be honest.  My BP was sky high in the beginning but has since come down to my normal low levels.  I get anxious some days still for no apparent reason and seem to worry about nothing some days... .too much of being alone I think!  I feel light headed some days and dizzy but I just tell myself that it is all the stress coming out of me.  I try to keep busy and think positive and that life is so much better without living under that threat.  I still have good friends here (the ones that saw through all his lies!).

I plan to go back to the UK for good in February but have Xmas booked there with my parents so I am looking forward to that :-)

My divorce under UK law can start a year and one day after the wedding so 15th February I will start and he will undoubtedly be difficult!

Well that's where I am ... .thanks if you took the time to read this and hope you are all moving ahead with your problems.

xx

[itgetsbetter94]

Isn't it bizarre how all the stories are basically the same? Dreams come true turning to nightmare.  Prince charming becoming prince harming... .
It's impossible to find happiness with these people.
Even if they find the good woman like you, that would take care of their every need, they will still do everything in their power to ruin the relationship. It's simply the nature of the disorder. The nature of the beast.

You are safe now, the worst has passed. We're all in the same boat here, trying to recover. There is no quick fix. One step at the time, day by day, baby steps, and it will slowly, but steadily get better. I promise you that.

[bollinger]

Hi itgetsbetter94 

It is bizarre how every story is the same.  I thought that when I joined BPD family and instantly felt that this site was going to be a big help because everyone could relate to my problems.  It still amazes me as well as to how many people have been through this!  I think Prince Charming became Prince Harming is so apt!

I tried so hard to help him, much to the amazement of my family and friends who thought that I had gone crazy to keep going back to him but yes you are so right, they have some built in destruct mechanism that simply cannot maintain a stable, loving relationship.  The I hate you - don't leave me!  It's very sad because they will end up with nothing and no-one.  He had such a loving partner but eventually my own health and self esteem was suffering and I couldn't continue in what had become a living hell.  Dreading going out with him because I would never know how he would act - indifferent, disrespectful, over the top, drink too much! outrageous flirting - you just never knew!

Thank you for your message and kind words.  Yes I think the worst has passed and I know that I am now safe and I feel my health slowly coming back.  Little steps indeed 

[itgetsbetter94]

I found the therapist straight away. I recommend you to do the same.
This was a huge trauma, and hearing a professional saying words like "in these stories with personality disorders, there is always some woman or man who suffers" (meaning other party- us) and "there is a little to non place of improvement" made me put things into perspective. Not to mention all the (horror) stories I've read on this board, yt videos on the subject, blogs etc. This is real and is happening to tons of people unfortunately. 1 person out of 10 suffers from PD, which mean, in our life, it's not unlikely we would come across one of them.
The lucky ones had got rid of them. The unfortunate ones committed suicides, developed some sort of mental illness (I read on quora that people call BPD "crazy making illness". It can drive otherwise sane person insane. I was the living proof.), physical illness, got their lives, careers, personal and family relationships destroyed. And if all of that doesn't kill you, there is a probability that you'd might die of their own hand, as they can become violent and aggressive.  It's a horrible, dangerous situation.

[bollinger]

Hi itgetsbetter 94

Yes I think I should find a therapist... .I think I need that for some validation!  All the stories I have read on here have been a living nightmare and I still think I'm in shock from it all!  I can understand how some people living in this nightmare would become mental themselves or commit suicide because you actually lose sight of who you are and were.  I think there should be some type of come back to the people that inflict this on us ... .I really do!... .but they just go off on their merry way causing destruction and chaos to the next poor unsuspecting victim... .whilst being totally deluded that it was ALL OUR FAULT!

I can totally agree about dying of their own hand ... .as a few nights I felt in fear of my life.  I looked in his eyes and they were jet black (like shark's eyes)... .it was scary!... .today has been a bad day... .too much time on my hands I think and "just one of those days"

[itgetsbetter94]

I second that, today was also "one of these days" for me. 

But the worst, the longest, the most boring day is still better than the best day spent with those people.

Many victims talk about "dark eyes" of their BPD partners when they were in rage. I experienced it myself. It's as if they're possessed.
My ex had a history of physical violence against members of his family. He attacked his mother and grandmother. He even told me himself he was at one point planning murdering his mother. I brushed it of, but now that I know of his disorder, I really believe he had such plans. Had we stayed longer, and his inhibitions got looser over time with me, who knows, maybe he would become physically abusive with me as well. I read somewhere that narcissists (and all BPDs have narcissistic traits) secretly hate women. Looking back in retrospect, all of his conflicts were with women and with women only. He tormented his poor mother for years. Even when we were in our golden stage, idealisation phase, he would send some crazy message to her, out of boredom, just to hurt her or have her worried. For example, that he will admit himself again into the mental hospital. Out of nowhere, but just to make her worry.
He confessed himself that she is suffering greatly because of him- he knew that. And most probably wanted that.
I mean, this disorder is so f****up, any sane, empathic, sensitive person should run for their life from these individuals. It's crazy making to the max.

[Harley Quinn]

Hi bollinger,

Thanks for sharing your story with us.  It sounds like you have begun to come out of the other side a little and are becoming future focused, which is really positive.

So I am here in Spain now on my own with Buddy slowly getting myself back together.  I don't think I realised what this all did to me to be honest.

The healing from such an experience takes time and you may find that as things unfold you have further realisations about ways in which you've been affected.  Try to be kind to yourself and accept that you have had it really tough so may not feel like yourself for a while yet.  That's OK.  Moving on from this isn't easy and takes work to get through the process, however it is a journey worth taking.  I agree that having the support of a therapist will allow you to unwrap some of the deeper impacts and to clear these in order to make way for an emotionally healthy life full of promise.  It's also great that you have plans to be with family.  The support of loved ones at a time like this is really valuable. 

I hope that yourself and Buddy are enjoying one another's company and the peace and calm you now have in your own space.  This quieter time will prove to be a benefit long term.  Sometimes people are so wrapped up in the pace of life and the distraction of others in their immediate environment that they can fail to really reflect on themselves and deal with the stuff that comes up in time.  Make sure to do things that benefit you daily, as this is when new good habits around self care can be formed.

Keep posting here and sharing whenever you need.  We've got your back.

Love and light x

[bollinger]

Hi itgetsbetter94

I totally agree that the longest, most boring day is so much better than living your life on a knife edge and I will remind myself of that when I am having "a bad day" thank you 

Yes the dark eye thing is really quite something... .my friend was with me that night and she said Wow look at his eyes they were jet black and "evil".

My husband was definitely narcissistic and I can totally understand the hating woman as he had a terrible childhood with a mother who sounded very mentally unstable.  She had 8 children from different fathers and all the children were abused.  She fed him bleach, locked him in cupboards and basically starved him until he was put into a children's home where he was abused from about 7 years old onwards.

He has told his daughter many a time that he knows he was hurting me but was in a place where he didn't care about himself let alone me!

It is crazy making but I think we have all "seen the light" on here now and are working our way towards it at our own pace with the help of the support and encouragement we get on here

[bollinger]

Hi Harley Quinn

Thank you for your kind message and advice.  I truly don't think I realised quite how much this has all affected me to be honest as you get so caught up in it that it seems like "normal".  It's only when you step away from it and slowly detach yourself that you feel the effect on your mind and body.  So yes thank you I will be kinder to myself and appreciate that I have been to hell and back but have survived it and that it will take a while to get back to me 100%.

Buddy and I are enjoying the peace together (even he was affected by the atmosphere and strain in the house) and I am focusing on a great family Xmas with my Mum and Dad who are so pleased that I have got out of his grips!

This site has been my saviour in my darker days and I would sit on here reading posts and the lessons and watching all the videos.  It was of immense help and still is - thank you to you all for being here for me x

[itgetsbetter94]

It is crazy making but I think we have all "seen the light" on here now and are working our way towards it at our own pace with the help of the support and encouragement we get on here

Most definitely! We have to cut our loses and move forward with our lives.
I spent too much time thinking about what he's thinking, how he's feeling, what he's doing, does he miss me, only to find out he's completely moved on and probably doesn't think about me at all. I'll never be able to get into his head and understand him, because he doesn't even understand himself. One cannot make sense out of that mess nor sense out of the insanity. The moment you think you got it, it turns to something completely else. I read somewhere "they're stable only in their instability".
It's like trying to have stable, lasting, intimate relationship with someone who is emotionaly 3 year old- selfish, immature, erratic, impulsive, impatient, prone to tantrums. Mentaly sane, mature woman or man can't find that kind of relationship fulfilling. I want a man, not a child that doesn't know how to control himself and that is a little tyrant.  
Luckily, not too much time is lost. The damage to our lives is repairable.

[bollinger]

Thanks I love your posts, they are very therapeutic!

And yes you are soo right about thinking about what they are thinking etc etc because the bottom line is they totally do not understand themselves or what they are doing.  In their rational moments (few and far between I know) they probably are beating themselves up at what they have done to us! IT IS like trying to have a relationship with someone who is mentally 3 years old. They move on because that's all they know... .the next victim... .the next fix!... .only to do the whole cycle again... .it's very sad and I feel pity for my husband but happiness for me that I am on the path to healing!

Yes we can recover from this... .and we are... .unfortunately they never will

Thank you  x

[itgetsbetter94]

Thank You, it's also therapeutic for me to communicate with people who shared the same path and experience. It makes me feel I'm not alone in this. Our intense unique experience is not so unique after all.
Our great love story is just some insane mad man's fantasy that unfortunately many people experience and inevitably ends in grief.
There's nothing unique, fatal and out of this world in our stories- we share the same experiences and have walked in same shoes.
I'm not the next Emma Bovary or Anna Karenina, just the girl that got lucky enough to escape the claws of emotionally disturbed individual that would make my life miserable and drain the life force out of me.

I'm not the same person I was before meeting him. He changed me for good. There's no chance in hell I'd ever fall for another toxic man in my life. I value myself and my sanity and heart way more than even before.

[bollinger]

yes what we think is our intense unique experience is not so unique when you join BPD family!... .and like you I do not now feel so alone in all this 

I think we are soo lucky to have escaped so that we can get our health, our sanity and our lives back on track... .and ... .like you... .I am not the same person and never will be but I think in a way that is a good thing!  We have learnt massive lessons from this... .first and foremost is how to value ourselves over and above any man