Leave or Stay ? BPD relationship

[Ninab]

I had a roller coaster relationship with BPD bf for 16 months. The honeymoon period feels like in heaven. Then comes with projection , rage, silent treatment, then makeup constant recycling every a few weeks. Breakup makeup cycle over dozens of times.  It took me over half year to figure out he has BPD. He went to see therapist once a week before met me for his anger issues. After met me , he went to her twice a week, now three times a week. He only seems getting crazier and worse. When I told him he might have BPD. He said his therapist never told him about it. She is seeing him for adhd and anger management.

Long story short. The most recent breakup was one month ago we were texting to decide when we meet or should we meet after work. Then I left my phone and worked inside operating room for a hour. Next thing I knew is my office manager called me that he group texted my office manager and my surgeon partner that I was harassing him all day long want to hang out dispite he said no.

I was really upset and completely stopped communicating with him. In the following two weeks. We met twice at social events. He apologized and expressed his love towards me. I was still upset and remained cold and distance in the following weeks.  We didn't meet again. Only fight and argument by texting back and forth a few times.

Yesterday he texted me asking a professional question. I answered him. Then I found him blocked me again. I don't even know why he blocked me without any argument. I emailed him asking can he be normal, why blocking me.  He replied that accusing me that I can't be even close to normal . I swing back and forth like major bipolar , stop email or texting him Ect.  That's really upset me because he was the one contacting me for questions.  I didn't argue or fight , only answered professionally . I have no idea where the bipolar comes from.

I emailed him this morning that we need to have meeting. It's not healthy with so much hatred and attacking each other.  We back and forth dozens of times.  If nothing changes, it will be hundrads of times.  We both have alpha personality and huge ego.  He has more anger issues and I have more trusting issues.  We need to talk out to see option 1: we breakup peacefully with mutual respect.  I will never contact him rest of my life.  It will be a friendly closure for the sake of beautiful memories we had togather. Option two: I am really tired of this constant breakup makeup cycle.  When he made mistake or verbally abusive , he regret in a few hours. It takes me days or weeks to feel better.  There is no relationship should put both people in misery forever.  Something has to be done if this relationship need to continue and I am willing to talk and discuss with him with the last try.  No relations should end in a bad term.  We shouldn't remember each other as " mental case ( he has been calling me this in the last a couple of weeks),  ass or ___ ect)
Then he replied to me very quickly saying:  I am not even reading this I am very sorry and I apologize if that comes across as mean but there is nothing to discuss.

I am very confused. I really don't know if I should cut the loss let him go or we still have hope being togather after some changes.  I know the fact we love each other.  But I can't take it anymore. Please advise what I should do .

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi NinaB,

A couple of thoughts for you to consider.

First, take some time to look around this website.   It's large and contains a lot of good resources.    None of us here can diagnosis,  BPD is a serious mental illness and it overlaps with many other disorders on the B cluster.   This website has a lot of information about BPD, how to identify it,   how to communicate better with someone who has it or the traits of the disorder and how to react when faced with some one we care about who is mentally ill.

If you look at the bar that runs down the right side  of the page you can click on any of the numbered steps for more information.    I would recommend starting at Number 4 Embrace the realities of BPD.

Having an honest and unemotional understanding of who you partner is and what they are dealing with will help you decide what is the best way for you to proceed.

'ducks

[Ninab]

Thank you for the advice, babyduck.

I've read lots of materials before conclusion he has BPD. I believe he is high functional BPD.  He suffered severe childhood emotional abuse and neglect from his mother.  He runs successful business because he is smart and sophisticated . But at personal level, he is very paranoid, insecure, low self esteem, extreme sensitive to any criticism, splitting, projection, raging, afraid of being alone. Hate everybody else in the world. He used to hate his mother, I guess therapy helped him for that. But he told me before the way I behave or treat him almost like his mother.  I don't know where it comes from. I love him and I never treat him badly before he throw the first strike.

Our 16 months of relationship is very rocky. Before I found out he has BPD, I took it in, try to figure out what's wrong with myself. Why can't we have normal relationship and fighting all the time. Later, he acknowledged he is lack of emotional control himself.  He said he cries and in agony emotional pain almost every night.  The problem is whenever he gets angry , the language he using made me very upset and I'll fight back . Then he goes to silent treatment for days before we get back . 
We don't live togather. We never fight when we meet and physically being togather.  We only fight when we text each other. We used to see each other almost everyday till now maybe once a week if no major fight going on.

This time it escalated to professional level that he texted my office manager and my surgical partner. I think it's to the level absolutely not acceptable. I still love him unfortunately. 

Ive read the method on books and this forum regarding validating , how to communicate with BPD ect. But my question is why I should validate him if he is the one always get upset for everything. He will get jealous if other men talks to me. I am very confident and carry myself well. I see his exs pic and his exacutive assistant look very low self esteem submissive and very depressed. I think it due to his chronic controlling and raging episodes. He also told me he loves controlling and manipulating everyone around him.  My manager told me before : I don't think he can ever control u, because I am a strong woman.

The bottom line the reason I am here is I am still truly love him.  I can try to use the strategy recommended to communicate with him. But he is a life time bomb. Sooner or later he will explode again.  He said his therapist only sit there and listen whenever he talked her and she is not giving any cognitive treatment or dpt. I asked him has she ever taught u any strategy how to control ur self or mindfulness before episodes of raging. He said never.  he said his therapist against we being togather because I am the trigger of his rage episode that's why he is seeing her three times a week now . 

I need some advice here should I leave or stay.  Would he be happier without me in his life?  I could be the trigger because I could be confrontational if I feel I am not treated right . I can't take verbal abuse or bullying like his ex or his exc assistant does.  And I know his exc assistant loves him because he showed me she sent him some of her inappropriate pics. But I don't think he is stupid to the point fooling around with his exc assistant.

How much love can make people sacrifice and putting up the drama BPD created?

[pearlsw]

Hi Ninab,



I am no expert but I think I read once that people with ADHD can have some similar behaviors to BPD. I can't send you anywhere to confirm this at the moment unfortunately, but I just mention it because at times I wondered if my partner had ADHD, or was bipolar, or what. Not knowing what he has doesn't mean the tools here can't help you though - there are great tools here that can cut down on arguments and give you some strategies to make this easier for you to cope with.

None of us can say whether you should stay or leave or if this is worth it - that is a highly individual decision and we can help support you as work through it if you like. On this board there is a focus on strategies and improvement - wherever that may take us. Some of us have the desire to keep at it, and some don't - either decision is acceptable and okay for someone to make. No judgements.

It is concerning that he is doing things that are impacting you while at work. Is he a co-worker of yours? Do you feel safe at work or could he cause serious problems for you there?

I hope other members will join us here - I know a lot of us deal with similar struggles and questions.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Ninab,

I'm sorry that you are so confused right now about what to do. It is possible to have a relatively peaceful relationship with someone with BPD but it takes a lot of very hard work on both sides. It requires changing yourself to respond more appropriately, enforcing your boundaries, and speaking up for yourself when needed. Do you think that is something you are able to do?

As for your meeting with your pwBPD, what kinds of things need to change? How will you express that to him in a way that he can clearly understand your expectations? Are you willing to listen and try to meet his expectations of you too?

[Ninab]

Pearlsw :
Thank u for the feedback.  After I read everything online, in the books. He fit BPD criteria 100% . He is high functional BPD.  I gave him a book as a gift a few months ago called : I hate you , don't leave me . he was laughing:  see , it just like us !
We r not coworkers. But somehow business related. I met him in a networking event. So he knows people work for me.  I feel that group texts he sent a month ago really cross the line. very inappropriate.  He appologized to me twice.

Last week he told me all his office people think I am hard to deal with. They prefer poor and broke , rather than working with me.
It's really hurts me.  I never had any problems working with anyone in the past My manager told me today this is really escalated to business level and getting very nasty.  I have no communication whatsoever with his office staffs except his two brothers. I never discuss Personal issues with them. I feel he is painting me black and telling his people how bad I am.

I don't like things end up like this. Unfortunately it seems getting ugly to worse. That's why I emailed him yesterday: it doesn't have to end ugly. We did have beautiful memories in the past. Just end peacefully and I'll disappear from his life. No need getting so chaotic and dramatic .

[Ninab]

Hi, tattered heart:

We r not at the stage of meeting anymore.  he is angry . I am the one saying either I disappear or let's talk. I think it triggered his abandonment fears. He shutting down completely and I am painted black.  He told me many times before we will be togather forever and he will never leave me.  He promised ill never leave him neither. 

When he had rage episode in the past, he scream and yell at me over the phone made me cry. He said he felt horrible afterward. To avoid that,  when he rages again, he either wrote very mean texts messages or block me for a few days as " punishment " .

I feels there is no single week we don't have argument.

At this point . I just let time flow. I will never contact him again.  God forbid if 0.01% chance we talk again,  I will try validating him . My manager asks me promise  her I won't get back to him again. He is really trying to put me down and tearing my self esteem. This relationship is not healthy .