Break up as ultimatum

[brazbeliever]

Hi all, it's been a while since the last time I posted.

I have a 28 years old BPDgf, we've been together for 7 years now. She was diagnosed with BPD 5 years ago. We had the first 2 years of our relationship as heaven on earth. No one was as caring, as loving and as perfect for me as her. She had everything I ever hoped for. But after that period, she got really depressed. Really really depressed. I took her to a psychiatrist, he diagnosed her with bipolar disorder, and she continued to get worse. Until she was hospitalised for 15 days or so. After that, she's been on meds for depression and underwent therapy for about 3 years.

So, she started to get better. A few other BPD symptoms appeared (like shopping and  seeing other people). We had a break then. I though things over, and realised that I still loved her very much and that was something I could handle, so we talked a lot and got back together.

By this time, she was taking her meds for a while and her sexual interest had vanished. So I stood by her side once again. And two years later, here we are.

I had an opportunity to travel for 6 months abroad to study, but I can't afford to take her. She insists that I can't go. If I go, she'll end up for good this time. I tried to communicate with all the techniques I new. I validated her feelings, I actively listened to what she was saying, and so on. But she won't understand that, and she is certain that since I won't give up this trip, she won't see me anymore. She says that she prefers that way, since she's depressed now, and that's the worst period of her life and if I'm not willing to stay with her through this, it's not fair to have me when she feels better.

This was like I was tied up a Formula Truck racing track, and got run over by all those trucks, many times. How can she say that? After she got out the psych ward, she kinda splited. She doesn't remember anything about that time, specially nothing before that. So she's been true to what she feels. But it's hard to hear that.

She's been much better since she started treatment. She hasn't had any sudden rage, she's really committed in getting better, and she's back to been loving and caring.

I guess I see her point, but I'm afraid to do something just out of Fear or Obligation.

The thing is: I love her and don't see a future without her. But if this is the way to go, ok. I can understand and I know that some day I'll be fine. But, in spite of that, I've been through a lot. I have great trust issues, my self-esteem is almost inexistent, and I could use this time to see how everything goes.

Can anyone help me organise those feelings before I act out of some impulsive abstinence? I can't decide if I let it go or if I try something in between of our own needs. I tried this, and she is only functioning in black or white now, and when I tried to ask her to participate in the solution of this problem, she asked me to not ask her again if it's not to let her go along (can't afford) or if I don't go at all.

Thank you all for your attention.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi brazbeliever,

As I read your post I was reminded of a previous boyfriend. I had gotten a job offer out of town but was able to fly back and see him often if he wanted to continue. Looking back now he had abandonment issues and pulled a sudden break up with me related to them. He took a short trip on his own and then suddenly went silent and broke up. It was all very painful and confusing as he said "he'd never break up with me" and then suddenly broke up just days later.

All that to say, I think you have to be prepared for anything. If you have an opportunity to travel/study and you would regret not taking this chance then trust your heart. If you feel that you can forgo the trip for her without major regret than do so. In many relationships this would be a risk, and you might not find your way back together. Do you like the idea of rebuilding your self-esteem while being out on your own? Sounds like this could be a nice time for some personal growth and to restore your own happiness. I think relationships should not keep us from opportunities in life even if we can't take our partners along with all we do. Are her and the relationship your priority over all else? She wants it to be that way it seems - and she likely fears you being away because it will be emotionally painful for her. It sounds like you have other needs and priorities and that is okay.

With her issues this could affect her greatly, but you have to be willing to let that be hers if you decide to step away. She will likely feel abandoned and it is certainly possible she will lose trust and have bad feelings towards you.

What could a compromise possibly be? Is it essential to your studies? 

Best of luck with this!

[brazbeliever]

Hi pearlsw,

Thank you for your words.

So, the relationship was my priority in the last few years, but I saw that I lost myself only to get draged to the BPD way of life. As a result, I was insecure, had no friends and no pleasure activity to carry out. I noticed that I needed to start doing things for me and that I had codependency issues.

Thus, I went to postgrad. Did my masters and now I’m on my PhD. In a conference, I met some people interested in carrying out my research abroad. So, this is very important for me. I can’t say no to this. It will be a great step on my career as a researcher.

I understand that, as she said that as  I am making my choice, she needs to make hers. She said many wise things in a really calm manner. I am very surprised with her improvement.

For short, I have a great career opportunity , I also though it like a chance of me going to groups or therapy while I’m there and she as well while she’s here, in order to break the cicle of a codependent relationship and enable us both to get better. But, I know this is my pink bubble version of the world. And she is absolutely free to have her choices.

I got a bit confused writing this, cause all is kinda new and I’m thinking while I write it. Hope I could make my point.

One more thing, I think that, along my savior hero and super caretaker part over the years, I got to feel that she was somehow much more sick than she really was, and that she couldn’t have a life full of happiness without me and, last but not least that I, all mighty, would save her from herself. Oh lord! Why did it take me so long to see that I was equaly in need of treatment... .well, I am pulling myself out of this thinking and, CBT is helping a lot. I guess this is the first great decision after I realized all that. And that’s why I need to follow what I need, understand what she needs, and live with that... .that’s rough to consciously admit that I felt that way for so long, though.

Thanks again!

[once removed]

yours is an intensely personal decision and it would be impossible for me to advise you either way.

you should know, and expect, that six months abroad would be a relationship killer in the vast majority of circumstances, even with an amenable partner. that does not, of course, make it the wrong decision.

it sounds like your decision is made, and we will support you either way.

what do you think the chances are that if you leave, she follows through on breaking up? to what extent if any does this affect your decision?

[brazbeliever]

Hi once removed,

I appreciate your support.

Actually, my decision was made. I didn’t have the clarity that that would be a relationship killer until she said that. And then I realized that I was asking too much and her reaction was in fact very valid, independently of her diagnosis.

So, I got to think what I wanted and I’m not certain anymore. A definitive break up is not what I wanted right now. So, still thinking what to do.