Serial Cheating

[bobdobb100]

Hi I'm new here.

I've been reading online that "past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior."

Is this true? Does anyone have evidence that the BPD cheated on their next romantic partner (a lot)?

I know it's not good to compare myself to my replacement, but my BPD ended up marrying him and of course on Facebook posts all kinds of wonderful photos of them living the "ideal" life. With me, she hopped from person-to-person (5-6 total) while we were together. What are the chances that the same thing is going on now? Do BPDs eventually "settle down" to just one partner or are they forever serial cheating as she did with me?

[pearlsw]

Hi bobdobb100,



Do I understand correctly that you are worried about your ex in terms of who she is seeing now after your break up? You are wondering if she is also cheating on the person she started up with after you?

Well, I would say that not only people with BPD or BPD traits cheat on partners though with these issues some do. It's hard to generalize about why people cheat on others, and if they can/will ever stop though there are cliches about this out there. My instincts tell me if someone does it often it is coping strategy of sorts, albeit a dysfunctional one. If one crosses that boundary, the toothpaste is out of the tube so to speak, then it is harder to not do so than it might otherwise be.

But, if I may be direct, I think you hit the nail on the head here:

I know it's not good to compare myself to my replacement, but my BPD ended up marrying him and of course on Facebook posts all kinds of wonderful photos of them living the "ideal" life.

I think looking at what your ex is doing with her new partner can only be something that is going to make you feel bad, ya know? If you see the pics and they look "ideal" and "happy" you are going to feel bad, right? If she is no longer cheating than somehow it was a flaw in you or your relationship, right? But that is not the case.  And if she is still doing the same stuff to the new guy that she did to you, then you can feel better somehow because it is about her and not you?

There are some lessons on this site that help us to recover from these types relationships. While it is natural to have such thoughts after a relationship ends, and I must admit I do occasionally wonder about my BPD traits ex who suddenly dumped me, oh my, ten years ago maybe? (I think he got married and had a kid with someone right after me. I wonder sometimes if he are her are still together because I doubt he got help for his behaviors.)

I would just remind that a much, much better use of your energy is to focus on making and living your own ideal life. Go to where the happiness is - it is in your hands.

Perhaps this would be helpful? This board has lessons on the 5 steps of detachment: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=27.0

Take care and I hope you find peace in your heart!

[bobdobb100]

Thanx pearlsw

Yesterday was one of those days. A friend related information about her to me and then I got to looking at Facebook, then anxious and doubting myself.

I'm better today. What I have to remind myself of was the pain she caused. There wasn't much good in the relationship if you observed it from the outside. But for me, it was the mirroring and idealization that is still hard to realize was not true.

One thing that I'm sort of laughing or smiling inside about today, was when I did check out her Facebook, there was a picture of her and him together. I was so, picture perfect, from their early days of dating (she was also still seeing me behind his back at the time, but was not fully detached until I went NC a few weeks later). He commented on his wife's Facebook after others said what a lovely couple they appeared to be (back a few years ago), that this was his favorite picture of the two of them as it represented the beginning of their relationship together, etc. Today, what I gleaned from his post, was that this was likely the last time things were probably really really good (as I've imagined my own times with her too from the beginning Love Bomb stage). I might be reading into his post my own wishes and narrative, but I do think it does probably ring true, even if he's not aware of her mental health disturbance that this was likely a great time for him in the relationship compared to today.

See, I even answered my own question from yesterday. Sure, she likely cheats. If not physically, emotionally as she did with me on him even early on.

If you looked at her Facebook posts you'd think she's Super Woman. They present an image of super soccer mom/Martha Stewart/wonderfully competent artistic photographer, living in the perfect southern New England Cape Cod historic home. Always her fantasy. Too bad the people in her life (husband, kids and animals) all also look like set pieces. In looking at her Facebook, it looks as if life is wonderful, but the other subject (animals included) have this cheesy staged smile in each photo just like her's.

Thanks for posting to me. I'm glad I'm here, now.

[pearlsw]

Hi bobdoob100,

I know breakups can be incredibly painful. We do a lot of second guessing and wondering why. This sudden break up struck me hard and left me with unanswered questions to this day. In a way I am lucky, I think, that none of my exs have pages with their lives on display as far as I know!  It would be hard not to look, but I'd try to resist. All I can with certainty is that breakups tend to hurt less with the passage of time. The unanswered questions become less important. I remember the shock I went through, but it no longer stings. I literally woke up in shock day after day for awhile. I wondered HOW someone could go from "never ever wanting to break up with you" to an instant break up. Ouch! 

Personally, I'm not vengeful so I tend to hope ex's do better not worse after break ups. Who knows. I just send out good energy to others.

How are you feeling? Have you found things here that you feel could help you make sense of this breakup and how you feel about it? I know just understanding BPD traits helped me understand that while my ex did love me he was in a lot of pain and pushed me away. I'm okay. My life also got better after the relationship ended. I hope yours does too!

[pearlsw]

Hi again,

Wanted to share a link on breakups from the Relationship Tools and Skills Workshops > Topic: 8.04 | The Five Stages of Grieving a Relationship Loss page: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=138154.0

Does anything here resonate with you?

[Turkish]

My T said "personalities typically don't change."

My ex didn't cheat on her husband (whom she left me for)... .just domestic violence and him getting charged with resisting arrest  

The Facebook thing is what it is,  but we can drive ourselves crazy trying to read into it.  

[hotncold]

The Facebook thing is what it is,  but we can drive ourselves crazy trying to read into it.  

It is so horribly toxic and an excellent gaslighting tool. I have only recently realized how heavily my ex used it to annihilate me. For a while I thought some of the stuff he was posting was directed at me - and some of it was - but then I realized he was playing the same game with the girl who replaced me. You see SHE got replaced and he was using the replacement of my replacement to show how well she'd been replaced, except the replacement of my replacement had my name and same mixed background... .confused yet? and BPDwhathisname made SURE I knew that replacement #2 had these similarities with me - since I NEVER consult his social media, he had to go out of his way and find a way to say it my face. He did all this while also making fun of replacement #2 under her nose posting coded things like "welcome to the fan club". And he got tons of "likes" and "oh she's great" comments for this bull___! The man is truly ill. It's a sickness. SICK. And social media propagates this like an overflooding river of ebola infected bodily fluids. Not to be pessimistic but the world is really ill at the moment, and sickness is accepted as being normal and even successful. What is needed is for those who are less sick must stop giving cover to those who are pathologically ill. To stop feeding them. You must disconnect every single social media connection that you have with them, EVERY SINGLE ONE. Knowing that you are watching them "be happy" and suffering for it gives them strength and puts that smile on their face. So take it away, cut off that supply. You won't be there to see it, but they will feel like sh-t because at least you won't be eating their cr-p. End rant.

[BorisAcusio]

Is this true? Does anyone have evidence that the BPD cheated on their next romantic partner (a lot)?

Hi bobdobb100,

I can only speak from my own personal experience. My ex admitted that she cheated on her husband with 7 men, in the period of 6 years. She also dated other people and had least one affair while we were together.

[roseabell]

Just to add my comment on this thread too.  I was with my ex for nearly 2 1/2 years with the last year being very confusing which after 1/2 years together and feeling really happy, he suddenly sent me a break up email out of nowhere.   Just 4 days after receiving this I found out he was already with someone else.

This was despite telling me in the email that he was not mentally ready for a relationship, had to sort himself out and that I was wonderful, kind, caring, stunning, that my smile melted his heart, and that my heart was like platinum.  That I was out of his league.

That relationship didn't last long.  He said she was very aggressive.  All along he kept coming back to me.  Telling me that he was drawn to me,  we were an untapped well, that he found it difficult to stay away, and that he just wanted me whenever he was with me.  He told me that the intensity between us was electric and we had an intense sexual mega connection. 

Anyway, roll on one year, I receive another break up email - again out of the blue.  Again, same thing he is not mentally ready for a relationship, and that he was really sorry to do this to me again.  That I was wonderful, stunning, kind, caring and very supportive and wanted to keep me as a friend.  2 days later he is at mine, because I told him I wanted to talk, he told me that he was barely functioning and mentally not ready for a relationship.  He looked terrible, and said that he had to sort himself out on how own.  I broke down and he comforted me.

2 weeks later he announces on Facebook that he is in a relationship!  Again, I got in touch to talk.  He came onto me strongly which I resisted.  Telling me that he was aroused (within 5 min of walking in the door), and that he wanted to hold me, kiss me, hug me.  That he wanted me and that he wanted to do so much with me.
 I was trying to explain to him what I thought the problem was.  I had just started researching BPD over the last couple of months - and all the signs are there.  When I told him what I thought the problem was, and why he was pushing me away he seemed to take it on board.  Then said he had to sort out his new relationship (finish with her), and that I gave him a lot to think about.  Also that we could talk about it again.  He left and texted when home to say he would be in touch and had enjoyed out talk.  10min after that another text.  I am with ... .this is all f... .up. 

Again met him at work in his office to try and arrange for him to come round and talk again. He came on to me again and told me he was aroused (within 5 min again).  Told me he had zero physical attraction for new girlfriend, that it was off the charts with me, and that he wanted to rip my clothes off and throw me across the table.  That he wanted to hug me, hold, me.  And he wanted to do so much with me.  I told him that it wasn't fair on me, and that I missed him every day and was really struggling and we needed to talk again.  Which he agreed to.

The next day he accuses me of playing games and that he would call me later.  Not called in last 3 days. 

I might add also that he is on dating sites every day, but think he is just chatting. 

He obviously had someone else lined up both times before dropping me an email too.  We had a very intense emotional sex life which was mutual on both sides.  Around 4-6 times per week for hours at a time.  I feel that he got too close to me, got triggered and pushed me away.  He is 300lb morbidly obese and I am a very inshape 140lb.  I think he had serious self esteem issues with me, although I never ever gave him any reason to doubt me - ever. 

So I do think many BPD can be unfaithful, in some way, but at the same time it is so sad.  I loved him, and still do, with all my heart.  I would never have left!

[hotncold]

To answer this i know he cheated on my replacement (he told me about the different people he'd slept with since we'd been apart and he had replaced me with her without openly saying he had cheated). He tried to cheat on the replacement of my replacement with me. He cheated on me with my replacement when he and i were recycling... .Honestly we are all just a different iteration of a replacement or a recycle.

[ateu]

I don't know about my replacement yet, but I would think so.

He met me while he was still with his ex. And he admitted to lying about cheating to another ex he was engaged to.

Then he cheated on me. And he even said to me at some point; "there are two girls who wants to see me tonight. I am not really interested, but the world has too many beautiful girls to be with just one. Are you jealous now? Good. "

When I confronted him with cheating, he said I should be happy that he actually was faithful to me for about a year because he said it was some sort of personal record. That's great, but the relationship lasted 3 years... .so I am not feeling overjoyed.

I don't know. I just don't see this pattern break anytime soon.

[AnuDay]

Very sad roseabell.  Very sad.  Why do we put ourselves through this?  Nons must look deep within ourselves.  We are not 100% innocent.  I have been dodging a recycle for 3 months now.  It's a sick game. 

[hotncold]

Very sad roseabell.  Very sad.  Why do we put ourselves through this?  Nons must look deep within ourselves.  We are not 100% innocent.  I have been dodging a recycle for 3 months now.  It's a sick game. 

I agree. I believe it is a whole system that allows the kind of behaviours that BPDs adopt... .and we are part of that. Luckily, I did end things every time I was aware of any cheating/triangulation so I did put an physical end, but emotionally I was still hooked to him. It was really painful. A lot of this is about ego. We want to be the "chosen" ones, the ones who beat out the other replacements/recycles, and so we become just another replacement/recycle, and until we let that go, we will keep wanting to go back. The only thing you CAN be is the one who was NOT replaced/recycled and that involves building a healthy life away from this behaviour. It generally requires no contact with a BPD since I think they only know how to relate to people in this very painful way.

[roseabell]

AnuDay - hotncold - I know its terrible.  I am feeling pretty traumatised by this latest office encounter of 2 weeks ago. 

[AnuDay]

AnuDay - hotncold - I know its terrible.  I am feeling pretty traumatised by this latest office encounter of 2 weeks ago. 

Counseling would bevgood rosea.  You gotta detox and get yourself together... .your self-esteem.  My expwBPD has low self-esteem.  Shes drawn to men she is "better than" possibly because she knows theres less chances theyll abandon her.  I may have been her first bf "above her level".  She did everything in her power to knock me down a few notches... .  It worked.  Once she knocked me down too far SHE moved on to her next victim.

[roseabell]

AnuDay I am currently studying Counselling at University and have studied a lot on personality disorders.  My last partner's ex wife was diagnosed with NPD, HPD and PPD. She also scored high on the spectrum for Psycopathy.  This led to her murdering her 3 children to stop custody going to my partner at the time.  So I have a very indepth view of all sides of this.  I recognise the whole bit about protecting myself and I can pretty much recognise where all my current ex partners behaviours are coming from, and know about the attachment trauma this also originates from, as well as the more recent losses he has gone through which I think has triggered all of his recent behaviour.

For me it is in understanding BPD in depth and also recognising what behaviours are triggering me and why, which I have a pretty good handle on.  So I do understand all the complexities of it.  Still need to talk to him though, with a view on directing him to help, which he has previously mentioned that he thinks he needs.