BPD mother keeps accusing my father of cheating.

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hello everyone! I'm brand new to this forum. My mom has BPD that continues to get worse year by year. Currently, she keeps accusing my father of having an affair (he isn't), and the whole situation is becoming alarming. Does anyone know how to convince her that this belief is borderline induced? To top it off, she doesn't believe there's anything wrong with her. It's everyone else in her life who causes problems. Any advice anyone could pass along would be SO appreciated. Thank you!

[Persephone 123]

Hello everyone! I'm brand new to this forum. My mom has BPD that continues to get worse year by year. Currently, she keeps accusing my father of having an affair (he isn't), and the whole situation is becoming alarming. Does anyone know how to convince her that this belief is borderline induced? To top it off, she doesn't believe there's anything wrong with her. It's everyone else in her life who causes problems. Any advice anyone could pass along would be SO appreciated. Thank you!

[Struggles]

Hi, I'm so sorry you and your dad are going through this. 

I'm not sure if a way of convincing her.  My MIL is currently holding a smear campaign accusing me of the same.  She has done the same to her husband as well.  I don't know if she truely believes what she's saying, or just trying to make things up to try and tear down relationships.  With her accusing me, it wasn't just a "she's having an affair", she went into details (names of people we don't even know). 

It has absolutely devastated me, that my name is being tarnished.  Thank God the family knows this isn't true and how she is, but it still hurts badly.  I can only imagine how your father feels, being it is his own spouse accusing him. 

My MIL is also like your mother, she doesn't see she has a problem.  She has such a hard time with interpersonal relationships, and her actions are beginning to push everyone away.  She has also been this way for a long time, but it's like with your mother, it gets worse every year. 

The best I know to do is let your father know you are there for him and you know this isn't true.  We keep trying to remind ourselves that we can't control her actions, only how we react to them.  But that is so much easier said than done. 

Sending hope for resolution your way.  Hopefully someone will be along shortly on some tips for communicating. 

[Persephone 123]

Struggles, thank you for your reply. My goodness, your MIL certainly sounds like a piece of work. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that. For the most part over the years, I've learned how to self-protect and have essentially detached emotionally from her. This thing with her constantly accusing my dad of having an affair has me extremely pissed off. She does nothing but sit around all day watching TV all day while my dad busts his butt day and night to provide for her. He just bought her a brand new 2017 Cadillac, and this is the thanks he gets for it. In fact, I wouldn't BLAME him if he were having an affair!  Lol. Now she has her identical twin sister involved, and my aunt is just giving her positive reinforcement, because SHE thinks HER husband is cheating too! Lol. My aunt only has BPD traits, but as I've noticed with my mother, with each passing year my aunt is exhibiting more BPD behavior. My cousin and I feel like we're juggling two 14 year old girls trapped in 70 year old bodies. But my poor dad... .He's going to be sainted when he gets to Heaven.

[Struggles]

I totally get the self protecting, my husband also had to learn how to do that as well.  He did LC at first, now is NC since it's gotten so bad. 

He talks to his dad a lot, my FIL sounds so much like your dad, very hard working (my MIL also doesn't work), and he pretty much works for her to spend the money on random items that she doesn't even use.  He's such a patient man, but what she has done lately has tore him up.  My MIL got his cell phone, text my husband and his brother from their dads phone pretending to be him, saying hurtful things to them to try and make them mad with their dad.  Luckily, they knew immediately it wasnt him, informed their dad and sure enough he had no idea because she deleted the texts from his phone.  So sneaky!  My FIL has been having horrible migraine headaches since the latest shenanigans have happened. 

We always say atleast we can not pick up the phone, not answer the door when she comes, and choose when not to deal with her but my FIL doesn't have that luxury.  Heck we all get headaches just dealing with her for a short time, no wonder he's been having them everyday. 

I defintely think your father and my FIL will both be sainted in heaven .

My husband remembers when he was 8 years old his parents were going to get a divorce, and he begged his dad to work it out and told him it would all be okay.  He said "if I only knew then what I know now, I would have told him 'let's get out of here and never look back' ". Funny to hear him say it the way he says it, but sad at the same time. 

We will get through this!  Having people to talk to going through the same thing helps so much!