Recovering from a quite BPD serial cheater

[Bl0dg3]

I have known for years that my ex wife had issues. We had a perfect life on the surface with no external stress which is uncommon these days. We had difficulties in dating where she would go back and forth with showering me with love and attention then withdrawing into her own head "what I called it" for long periods of time. Over the years I was able to get her to see a T maybe 5 times, but she never would acknowledge that her problem was serious enough to require T nor given any credence to how it tortured my soul. I discovered through my own reading she lines up with a quite BPD. I finally had enough after a year long stretch of this withdrawal and ended it. She never once raised her voice to acknowledge, apologize, or explain it. She could only say that she loved me, but her actions told me otherwise. A few months after the divorce she flipped again and came back showering me with the love I had so desperately wanted but I held firm and ran her through a gambit of sorts to get to the bottom of it. Turned out she was also a serial cheater and slept with untold number of men including my real estate agent, doctor, dentist, neighbors, etc. Most of whom were married and often overlapping several in timelines. It was like pulling someone's eye out to get the details I did. She had such overwhelming shame and fear of being exposed. She wanted me back so bad and I told her she had to tell me the truth to get me and she gave me the information and swore that was it. I then told her after and we will verify it with a polygraph at which point she became outwardly hostile and I ended it.  I felt bad for my scam but I needed to understand why I was suffering for years and what I found out was my worst nightmare. She had compartmentalized an entire separate life from me for 6 years. Now that hurts, but I do feel some relief in knowing it wasn't something I did or didn't do to cause her often and untimely withdrawal and the ongoing cheating. I have since cut all communication ties and served her written trespass warning for my property. I cut all ties from any shared friends as they are all as oblivious as I was and I talked only to a few of my oldest friends who are in shock at the findings. Again she is a quite BPD, so on the surface she is a talented professional, so no one is the wiser.
I'm here to find some support to what was the worst time in my life in hopes I can take some wisdom to help heal the trauma. I have not ruled out T, just so early and the T I had used years ago has retired, so now I would have to find someone that could help me recover.

[Lostinanother]

So what was her reason for cheating so much?

[Bl0dg3]

She could only describe a compulsive need followed by shame and fear of being exposed. She talked about an intense fear of abandonment as a driver. Some of them she actually had severe dislike for which I found bizarre and from what I gathered it was part thrill and part need to feel wanted. At the same time saying that it wasn't that I was not loving and supportive enough. She told no one including closest friends and was literally living multiple lives.
It was this confirmation of my suspicion and finally after years a view into how deep and dark her condition was that put me over the edge to finally cut ties. Realizing that for almost every day if not several times a day for years she was lying and I was mostly oblivious was very humiliating. At the same time I still love her, feel sorry for her, and hope she gets help. I realize now the extent of the toxicity.

[Lostinanother]

She sounds like my ex affair partner... .She would cheat on me and then lie about it and I never knew what was real or what wasn’t.
It wasn’t the cheating that got to me, as I am married but it was the compulsive lying that really pushed me over the edge because it made me a paranoid and suspicious person with 0 trust.

Good luck to you !

[once removed]

hi Bl0dg3 and

I'm here to find some support to what was the worst time in my life in hopes I can take some wisdom to help heal the trauma.

we are all so sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but glad that you have found us, and you have come to the right place to find support.

it must have blown your mind and heart to learn of extensive cheating over six years together. this will not heal over night, but i can tell you that it gets better.

im glad you are considering a therapist, it comes highly recommended here, and im glad as well that you are seeking support, you dont have to go through this alone, and youre in a place where people understand.

how long have you been apart? what are you doing to take care of yourself at this time?

[Bl0dg3]

It certainly did blow my mind and heart to pieces but also gave me the very last missing piece of the pathology to help me understand what it was. It was the cheating per se, but having such a strong compulsive need that she slept with people she didn't even like and was not attracted to. I mean some of these people were hideous and she was way out of there league. Not to mention I'm very open and have no jealousy issues. I think the lack of jealousy made me blind to some of the more obvious signs though and more vigilance was needed.

Having to tell friends, family, and colleagues with a straight face I have no clue why the marriage failed was misery. Thinking for a long time that I somehow did something to cause her to withdraw and build that Wall, but never knowing what it was provided no closure. It prevented me from moving on for fear of repeating.

Now I know and it sucks but provides relief. Before calling it quits, I definitely resorted to some codependent efforts in a desperate attempt to salvage it. The more time that went bye and as we got closer the more she internalized and shut me out. It was a sick cycle. I thought I was losing my mind for a long time.

The trouble I have now is, I know I am the only person in the world that knows all of these things about her and I know she has continuously lied to the T due to the shame. I know I could not stay for my own survival, but what do I do with this information and who would believe it? She knows she has issues but is deathly afraid of being abandoned if exposed.

I guess for those that walked away from someone you love, was there anything that could be done to help them? I know I couldn't stay any longer, but I have guilt over it.

[once removed]

it is such a relief to have answers and a framework to work within, and to have a support group around you full of people that understand, and knowing you dont have to do this alone. i know it was much more than a breath of fresh air when i stumbled onto BPD.

The trouble I have now is, I know I am the only person in the world that knows all of these things about her and I know she has continuously lied to the T due to the shame. I know I could not stay for my own survival, but what do I do with this information and who would believe it? She knows she has issues but is deathly afraid of being abandoned if exposed.

I guess for those that walked away from someone you love, was there anything that could be done to help them? I know I couldn't stay any longer, but I have guilt over it.

i would encourage you to use the information for you, and to inform your recovery. i wouldnt stop there, either. most of my healing really came from learning more about myself and others in general, once i was ready. i went from being afraid of "making the same mistakes" to confidence that i could navigate the difficult world of romantic relationships.

for the most part, the members here that do the leaving share your feelings of guilt in the aftermath, and i understand how crippling it can be. some struggle with it even more after learning about BPD.

i was left, but i do recall wanting to give her some clue, or do anything i could do.

we have an article here (https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/10_beliefs.pdf) that speaks to ten common beliefs that we have in the aftermath of these relationships. from that article:

You might want to stay to help your partner. You might want to disclose to them that they have borderline personality disorder and help them get into therapy. Maybe you want to help in other ways while still maintaining a “friendship”. The fact is, we are no longer in a position to be the caretaker and support person for our “BPD” partner – no matter how well intentioned. Understand that we have become the trigger for our partner’s bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, we do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them. This is a complex defense mechanism that is often seen with borderline personality disorder when a relationship sours. It’s roots emanate from the deep core wounds associated with the disorder. We can’t begin to answer to this. We also need to question our own motives and your expectations for wanting to help. Is this kindness or a type of “well intentioned” manipulation on your part - an attempt to change them to better serve the relationship as opposed to addressing the lifelong wounds from which they suffer? More importantly, what does this suggest about our own survival instincts – we’re injured, in ways we may not even fully grasp, and it’s important to attend to our own wounds before we attempt to help anyone else. You are damaged. Right now, your primary responsibility really needs to be to yourself – your own emotional survival. If your partner tries to lean on you, it’s a greater kindness that you step away. Difficult, no doubt, but more responsible.

i think the essence is that now is the time to be kind and gentle with yourself, to lean on loved ones, and seek support for you.

[AnuDay]

I agree with Once Removed.  It takes time, patience, and knowledge.  10 Beliefs is a must read.  I'm relatively new on this journey.  The joy that I get from having emotional and psychological freedom far outweighs the guilt I feel.  I don't have the energy or time right now to be recycled.  So glad I learned about recycles here or no doubt I would've settled for the 4th recycle attempt.  Lucky for me I stopped at 3.

[ateu]

It seems like cheating is very much a part of their disorder.

Mine cheated, but I don't know how many times... .it's hard to tell. I only know the once from where I have read his messages or seen his photos of him and some other girl.

He never admitted. Not once.

Even when I told him " I have read that conversation with that girl that you have had for six months. And in that one you write to her that you love her. She is actually more considerate of me than you are. She says to you 'But I don't have a partner'... .and you replied 'And I do?' "

He just said to me: "words doesn't always mean the same thing depending on who you say them to. If I say I love you to her, it doesn't mean the same thing as if I tell you that I love you."

And I say: "You write to her that you are only staying with me because I am paying for you. Otherwise you would be with her." He says "She needed to hear that, she was in a really bad place. And I needed her attention and love - you were depressed and so cold to me! You didn't give me what I needed!"

I call BS.

and this crazy, twisted life has been my reality for three years. If we fail to give them what they "need" in any way, there off getting it elsewhere.

Then when I got hurt and started to cry after discovering that, he lied beside me and asked "can I hold you?". I said "no" and turned away. First he tried to comfort me, but when that failed he got angry: "NOW you want to leave me for something I wrote? Can't believe you are doing this to me when I have so many things going on in my life. People will laugh at you when I say you left me for something I wrote!"

He call that "something he wrote. An 8 month long affair.

That pathogical need for attention. He also flirted with gay men. I have read those conversations too, but I don't even think he knew he was flirting.

They are a mystery.

[ateu]

By the way, my x was also cheating with people he wasn't attracted to. Or at least that's what he told me.

He could talk about some girl with me, "she is really not a pretty girl" and "she is too overweight". Then I found out he had something with her.

I don't know if he said he didn't like her just not to make me suspicious, but I am not sure. Some of them were really unattractive if you ask me, I just think he takes whatever he can get if he needs the attention.

Within two or three weeks after I left him, he has asked a really overweight woman to move in with him. Weight is not everything, but I know he doesn't like that. He will never stay, I think he uses someone who has been quite lonely, because he can easily get her with his charms.

I am sure he is saying all sorts of nasty things about me, but in the meanwhile he texts me that if I miss love or sex from him, I am always welcome.

I doubt he tells her he text me things like that.

[AnuDay]

Thank you so much for posting atë.  My expwBPD was eerily similar.  I was always so confused at whether or not I deserved to be cheated on all of those times.  They really make compelling arguments for their behavior.  I guess with an intense need to be accepted and a deep emptiness that they will do whatever it takes for validation and attention.  Social media must be great for BPDs. 

[En1gma]

I just discovered my ex is likely a quiet BPD within the past few days. This type of BPD is by far more disturbing than the outward rage type BPD IMHO. Because it’s so subtle and hard to detect,  passive aggressive behavior is diabolical.