Glad to have found this site - hoping to find some great input here

[need2relate]

Hello and thank you for creating and maintaining this board!

I am in a relationship with a wonderful, brilliant woman   who also happens to have BPD.

We have been together for a little over a year and it has been a very eventful one.

First, she moved in with me earlier on in the relationship because her family was being emotionally abusive and she needed out of the household.

She was held up at gunpoint by three men outside of our apartment.

She has a daughter and now has shared custody which has been a difficult adjustment for all of us. I am new to parenting (totally loving it btw) and she and her daughter are adjusting to not seeing each other as often.

and she has unfortunately cheated on me three times in one year, in various ways (from physically, emotionally and verbally). We are working hard to get through this.


I love her very much but am trying to find ways to establish and maintain a hard boundary when it comes to her cheating. I have chosen to be understanding up to this point because I know this is somewhat of a learned behavior from her mother.


Does anyone have any suggestions? I am serious about the last time needing to be the last time she cheats. I am worried that this is unrealistic and I am setting us both up for potential let down - but it feels like a pretty hard line for me.

I am just trying to be the most supportive to both her and myself.

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this. I hope this is the appropriate place to reach out!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi need2relate,



Glad to have you here with us. I searched around a bit to see if there was anything that would speak to your concerns. What stuck out for me was this on the Do's and Dont's of a BPD Relationship: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

Even with the best of intentions and the highest of hopes there are no guarantees with any relationships. Your compassion, understanding, and joy for life are great assets for making a difficult relationship succeed. Your desire to set a firm line on cheating is an understandable one. (<---just my opinions. ) Does she have a firm understanding herself of how/why it has happened? Does has she have a willingness to not do so again?

[need2relate]

Thank you for your response!

Yes every time it has happened she has stated that it was because she was afraid I was going to leave her so she wanted to sabotage it on her own terms. I know that self-sabotage is one of the things she has been working through. She also stated that at least one of the times it gave her an ego boost and she was using the cheating as a way to keep from hitting rock bottom. We ended up checking her into a center for 2 weeks (this all happened after the robbery). The 2 week inpatient seemed to help her a ton and they helped get her medications regulated which I was very thankful for.  She has taken accountability for each of the times and let me work through my feelings. What is hard for me is that it keeps happening. I have a hard line of no more cheating - because I will not put myself through this over and over. But I am wondering if there are better ways for me to react/act in order to help. It takes two to tango so just as she has owned her portions and is working to fix them, I am working to fix any I may have as well. That is what led me to this site. I saw so many posts I could relate to and was inspired to jump in.

Thanks again!