I need help connecting with my girlfriend

[Pandabear]

I've been in relationship with my girlfriend fot just over two months and she only recently got diagnosed eith BPD after having been to therapy for anxiety and mild depression.

I need some help in how to connect with my girlfriend to try and save our relationship because so far we cant seem to get on the same page. Things got worse when I got caught up in the whirl wind of my girlfriend's BPD and went through a phase of low moods, depression and anxiety. This was before she was diagnosed so hadn't realised why she was behaving the way she was.

I've done my hardest to learn about the condition and I'm currently reading The Essential Family Guide to BPD by Randi Kreger which has been a God send and has helped me to cope better and had given me some things to work on like looking after myself better, not taking things personally  etc. However I'm finding it difficult to put some of the advice into actiom just due to the fact that my girlfriend barely wants to spend anytime with me or talk. Its gotten so bad that I've seen her a comnined total of 6 hours in the last 3 weeks and I'm lucky to get more than one text a day some times.

The thing is If she really was done with the relationship I feel she would have ended it but putting myself in her shoes, I cant see why she's still with me. She doesn't want my support, have fun with me or even just talk and I don't know what to do

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

I'm sorry for what you're going through but glad you have found a community where many of us have been through similar experiences, and we can learn from each other. Mostly we are here because someone in our lives has behaviors that are characteristic of BPD.  They haven't all been diagnosed with BPD, but it's the behaviors, and how we deal with them, that are important. You will find a lot of people here to talk to, who will provide you with support and some good advice.

What happened that caused the distance and how long has it been this way?

I know your life is difficult now, but knowledge will help you make the right decisions. Please read the articles and workshops - they will give you some good skills at communicating.

Keep posting - it is very therapeutic, and you will be greeted by so many people with circumstanced similar to your own. You will be amazed. Take care of yourself.

[Tattered Heart]

Hi Pandabear



Sorry that things have taken a downhill turn in your relationship. Has she mentioned why she isn't wanting to spend time with you?

When she says she can't spend time with you, how do you respond?

[Pandabear]

Unfortunately the relationship came to an end as she felt she just had too much going on to sustain a relationship amd needed to focus on working on getting better which was fine and we had agreed to stay as friends and  in contact. She also asured me that if I needed some time to deal with things that was fins. Unfortunately things turned ugly when I took some time out to sort myself out after the break up to the point that I've had to cut contact, at least on social media to avoid resentment because I still see the fall out as the result of the condition even though sometimes I wonder where the condition ends the person starts with what's been going on. I've had to seek professional help to mend the damage that's resulted from the relationship. I saw a mental health practioner who advised me to avoid contact until she's in recovery and advised me to attend CBT classes and I also asked to do councelling. I hold no hard feelings and still remain hopefull that once she's better we can reconnect because I genuinely still see the incredible person she is behind the illness but maybe I'm being naive. Now it's a matter of dealing with the heart ache and repairing the emotional damage. Thanks for asking

[Skip]

Unfortunately things turned ugly when I took some time out to sort myself out after the break up to the point that I've had to cut contact

I'm really sorry to hear that this has gone downhill. It's good that you have sought help.

You say that she was recently diagnosed - was there some crisis in her life?