Need advice, need hope, need ideas

[needhope50]

I just need hope.

Years ago, my husband of 27 years was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. At the time, I read everything I could get my hands on, including a book called Stop Walking on Eggshells. Even though it was written about Borderline, I felt like I could have written the book. It described my life.

Fast forward about 15-18 years. My husband is seeing a counselor who believes he's Borderline. Everything fits. He does not yet have a formal diagnosis, but I'd be surprised if he isn't borderline. I've asked my husband to go get a full psyche eval. He's in IOP right now. It doesn't seem to be doing much.

Last week, I asked him to move out. His mental distortions, manipulation, blame shifting, projecting, gaslighting, etc. have just gotten completely out of control and his mental state is concerning enough that I don't feel safe. He left for a couple nights and then came back stating that it was his house too and he has every right to it. I ended up packing a bag and leaving. He left for another night after I stayed away. Then came back and did the same thing. I had to leave again. He spent the last two nights in a hotel but is back to his shenanigans. I think I am going to have to leave again tonight. My daughter is home from college. This isn't a peaceful stay for her. I am tired of the yo-yo living arrangement. I also don't feel like it's safe for her to be here with him, but she just wants to be at home with her dogs in her bed. She also had a medical procedure and needs to be here tonight.

When you've been married 27 years, when you've built a life with someone, and you actually do love them, it feels like death to watch this unfold. I've had the hardest week of my life contemplating divorce. I just don't know what else to do. I've fought the good fight. I see the goodness in him when he's stable, but I just can't live this way anymore. I'd love any advice, thoughts, encouragement, hope or ideas.

Thanks.

 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[pearlsw]

Hi needhope50,

Sorry you are having such a hard week! It is very hard to know what to do about relationships sometimes - keep going or throw in the towel? Twenty-seven years is a long time and a big personal investment. I hear that you feel such a strong sense of pain watching things unfold right now.

Do I understand correctly you think he is both bipolar and borderline?

Are you using any of the communication strategies on this site so far?

warm wishes! ~ pearlsw.

[heartandwhole]

Hi needhope50,



I'm sorry to hear of the struggles you are going through. Swinging back and forth between leaving and staying is stressful. I'm so glad you posted, as you've found a community that understands what you are going through. You are not alone, and there IS hope.  

You mentioned that you don't feel safe at the moment. Do you think the intensity of the IOP has increased his symptoms? What behaviors have led you to believe that you are not safe?

Do you have a good support system around you? Friends and family whom you can turn to?

It's important to rally a lot of support around you right now. Making decisions when one is exhausted, confused, or run down is not a good idea.

If you have access to a safe haven where you can take some time to feel and think, that would be helpful.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

heartandwhole

[yeeter]

Do you have a good support system around you? Friends and family whom you can turn to?

It's important to rally a lot of support around you right now. Making decisions when one is exhausted, confused, or run down is not a good idea.

If you have access to a safe haven where you can take some time to feel and think, that would be helpful.

Keep posting. We are here for you.

This  ^^^

Spend some time with a friend.  Family.  Anyone supportive that gives you energy and is supportive.  You have been in this relationship a long time.  Take a pause and recharge.  Do what is needed to get your own sense of self strongly established.  Then you can go from there.