I feel very needy after this breakup

[lucky013]

It seems like i get very hung up and need constant re-assurance.
Feels like we have traded places after the split.
Im currently single, when being ignored or something similar its hard for me.
I know, i shouldn't be like this

[itgetsbetter94]

The worst thing someone can do or say after you share with them your experience is to minimise your pain. And that's what my family has been doing from the day 1.-.-

From the confused/angry reaction from my dad "that the hell is wrong with you, you're older than thim, plus he's crazy", to my mom "if I were you, I would get over from that relationship after few days". I mean, patronising and minimising is strong. :-/

My sister, although doctor herself, also said sth among the lines "many guys act like that even though they don't have mental illness, maybe he's just regular duchebag".

It started to really annoy me, so I confide only to my therapist now, this forum and very selected friends. Only people who went through this can understand, others are absolutely blind to the extent od damage and mindf**ery we were exposed. :-/

[Harley Quinn]

Hi lucky013,

It seems like i get very hung up and need constant re-assurance.

Could you give us some examples of when this happens and is there a common theme that you've noticed?

Im currently single, when being ignored or something similar its hard for me.

Are you feeling that others are ignoring you and feel sensitive to this or do you mean that you find it difficult to be single ie alone?

Love and light x

[lucky013]

Could you give us some examples of when this happens and is there a common theme that you've noticed?

Because I'm always seeking outside validation and not internal validation, i know i have to be able to bring power to myself from within, however the over thinking, even with mindfullness can be tough.

Are you feeling that others are ignoring you and feel sensitive to this or do you mean that you find it difficult to be single ie alone?

I have only couple real friends, the rest are more associates however, i do have to be able to stand on my own to feet as much as i have support. I think pushing through for myself is the solution. As i always looked out for everyone else and left myself with nothing.

[truthbeknown]

lucky,

I can relate to this and want to tell you that you are not alone.  I have typically been the grounded one in relationships with women in my life.   When they have needed me, I was emotionally available and there for them.  The hardest thing for me with the breakup is the projection of "neediness".  

Okay here's my assessment or explanation on taking on projections.  When a BPD or narcissistic person leaves you many times they do to you the thing that they feared or claimed had happened to them.  My ex of late felt ashamed that after 20 years of marriage and her staying even though she wasn't attracted to him blah blah blah that now her life is a mess and she is ashamed of the "marriage failing".  I know because her mom is a narcissist that she feels Judged but she objectifies the relationship rather then talking about the person.  

So now after sabotaging our relationship, it's almost like I have to feel her pain that she went through of not being able to get through to her ex husband (although this story can now be debated).  Like in some distorted way she is passing on her pain of not feeling loved or cared for by harming our relationship.  I feel like i was just an object in the game so to speak.  But now that neediness that you speak of for me is like a craving for what would be considered "normal love".  

I get the whole self love thing but sometimes the implication that those of us that are wounded by a personality disordered person were trying to fill a void doesn't typically feel justified.  If I had been in a relationship with a healthy woman, I would be labeled as "good partner" or "good husband" but since i have run into a few relationships with wounded woman it seems like those that don't understand personality disorders will think that people like us were trying to hard or they don't understand why we can't just let it go of them?

My own belief is that it is hard to let go of someone that has a split personality because at one point they  felt like a normal person to you.  Their abandoning us or forcing us to walk away because of the split personality leaves us (okay at least me) feeling wounded like "their must be something wrong with me to keep attracting people like this into my life."  

Takeaways for me:  I know that i am a loving person.  I know that just like robbers and thieves look for nice people to rob, BPD's and narcs look for nice people to steal from emotionally.   I think they steel our love because they are thieves of love.  If someone stole my car while i was pumping gas I would feel "needy" about that too- for gosh sakes I just lost something valuable.  Borderlines and other PD people make us feel like we were trying to "sell them our love" and force them into it.  However, I suppose the car thief who gets caught might say something like that too- "he told me I could have it and now he's trying to say I stole it!"  For those of us who had love stolen- the robbers tell their posey a completely different story.  Robbers very rarely tell the truth even when they are caught.   There's always some excuse why they had to steal.

I had relatives in NY who in their 70's got mugged and beat up just for a wallet.  They never felt the same about walking in their neighborhood again.  I think it's human nature to feel scared after someone steals or "mugs" us unsuspectedly.   Dealing with BPD is like dealing with a mugger of love.  My friend you are going to feel like you got your love stolen because in a sense you did!

Can i give myself my car back when they steal it? Can I get my wallet back when the mugger steals it?
most times no.  

I and you won't be able to get our love back from this terrible disease/disorder that causes our lovers to steal our love and then walk away but I wanted you to know that i feel it too.  I feel scared, tentative and guarded.  I don't feel safe to walk in my neighborhood of love but i want to so badly.  I want to feel safe.  I want to know that there is a lover out there that is healthy for me just as my relatives wanted to feel safe walking in their old neighborhood.  If that makes me feel needy? so be it.  yes after the car thief leaves I'll feel needy for a new car too (but I sure would like my old one back- we had alot of miles together that ole machine and I).

I am sending healing energy to you and I won't tell you that you need to love yourself.  Instead i hope that someday you can find a safer neighborhood to walk(love) in. One where you don't have to worry about being you and giving your "normal" love to your partner as normal people do.  
 
I hear you- I see you.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi lucky013! 

I sure hear you about looking for the need for outside validation. When I first began to notice my own needs instead of putting everyone else first, I became aware of the same thing. I believe awareness is huge, because it shows you are opening up. It is really hard to begin to see that we have our own needs AND to allow ourselves to have those needs. It's not selfish as I was led to believe. You are seeing a glimpse of what healthy looks like.

You said you don't have many friends. What ways do you think it is possible for you to make some new friends? Are there places where you can go to meet some new people where you share like interests? A location to volunteer? Maybe a food pantry, church, library book club? Some type of hobby?

Don't be too hard on yourself and say you have to push through it [alone]. We are people and need people in our lives. Not everyone has a friend to whom they can share their whole life story, nor do you need to do that. Friends, even aquaintances, are also able to help meet our needs for conversation, company, and laughter. As you begin to build a base of even a few friends, you can spend time with them and that in itself helps to fill your needs for validation. Then you begin to heal and feel stronger.

 
Wools

[unicorn2014]

I'm sorry to hear you're going through a rough time.

I broke up with my boyfriend over two years ago yet he still moved out here to be with me and when he found out that he couldn't rekindle the relationship he threw a fit and left even though I was willing to be friends with him.

I don't feel needy, I feel numb. The good thing about feeling needy is at least you're open to a new relationship. Don't lost that part of it. It will allow you to connect to another person.

[lucky013]

Hi lucky013! 

I sure hear you about looking for the need for outside validation. When I first began to notice my own needs instead of putting everyone else first, I became aware of the same thing. I believe awareness is huge because it shows you are opening up. It is really hard to begin to see that we have our own needs AND to allow ourselves to have those needs. It's not selfish as I was led to believe. You are seeing a glimpse of what healthy looks like.

You said you don't have many friends. What ways do you think it is possible for you to make some new friends? Are there places where you can go to meet some new people where you share interests? A location to volunteer? Maybe a food pantry, church, library book club? Some type of hobby?

I think, I have just become an outsider, as I haven't been myself, due to no job etc. However I usually rock climb alot but is injured. I do have some family that I can confine in and I'm looking to start work again this week to start making the right changes. I need some normality back in my life, having a job before stabilised me.

Don't be too hard on yourself and say you have to push through it [alone]. We are people and need people in our lives. Not everyone has a friend to whom they can share their whole life story, nor do you need to do that. Friends, even aquaintances, are also able to help meet our needs for conversation, company, and laughter. As you begin to build a base of even a few friends, you can spend time with them and that in itself helps to fill your needs for validation. Then you begin to heal and feel stronger.

 
Wools

Thanks for the reply, it really does help when I hear from others in a similar boat. I hope all the best for yourself also