balancing set firm limits with giving support (while living in fear)

[lotuscreek]

My 19-year-old daughter is in treatment for BPD. She went away to college at 18, but it was a disaster, and she is back at home living with me and her 15-year-old sister. I love her dearly but she has brought great chaos into our lives (again).

She has stolen money and gift cards from both of us regularly, forcing each of us to have a safe in our rooms to lock up everything of value.  She continues to steal make-up, clothes, and other items that are not locked up. She lies without thought. I have caught her smoking weed in her room, including when she was about to drive her sister to sports practice. My dog is terrified of her, so I am very afraid that she has hurt the dog when I am not around, because she states that she "hates" the dog because the dog barks a lot when I am not home (I believe she resents how attached the dog is to me).

When she came back from the college, the deal was that she would would get a part-time job and attend the local community college.  She got a part-time job and quit after a couple of weeks.  She signed up for classes at the community college but dropped them.  Do we see a pattern?  YES.  I told her that she MUST be in therapy, and she has followed through with that.  She is in DBT twice a week (individual/group).

I constantly set limits with her but she does not abide by them. When I tell her that she must live by certain rules in my house or find another place to live, she says she is going to move out, but then completely falls apart.  This is usually followed by episodes of cutting (severely, and all over her body) and she becomes suicidal. Then, I have to deal with that and whether to hospitalize her.  And then we start all over again.

Help.  We are in a seemingly endless (hopeless?) cycle I don't know how to get out of.  Does anyone have any advice?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustYouWait]

Hi Lotus!

While I'm sorry you had to find us, I'm glad you found us.

I feel your pain, fear, hurt, and anger, and guilt, because I feel the same for my situation.  You're not the only one who struggles with this whole mess.

We are a pretty good group for exactly what you posted up there - asking for advice, venting, openly talking about your feelings, and all of that knowing that the people to whom you're talking get what you're going through, be cause they are/have gone through it themselves.

I don't have specific advice for you for what you've posted, but I can give you this:

You are no longer alone.  We are here, sitting on the couch, waiting for you.  Grab a seat and understand it's ok to laugh, cry, scream, and/or do nothing but just be still for a minute. We don't judge that stuff.  We've all done it.

You are not alone.

Welcome.

-jyw

[bluek9]

Hi Lotus, Bluek9 here. Wow do I ever hear you! Like jyw I'm glad tour here. I know I never wanted to be here but, I was soo relieved to find this board. It is now one of  my safe spots for support, comfort, advise, tools and sharing.
     I have a soft spot in my heart for you, it's so damn hard to tell anyone else what it feels like when your child steals from you. So many feelings are violated on so many levels. My BPD D is 35, she started stealing when she was 15. I was always blown away by what I found in her things. There was no ryhme or reason to it, all she would ever say was "I wanted it". At 18 I put her into adult foster care, it broke my heart but, I knew she needed more than I could give. Lets not forget that while we are dealing with our kids, as parents we still need to work and manage our own affairs. (weary, bone tired and exhausted not even begin to cover the feelings) Then at 22 she came home to live with me again. Immediately the stealing started again, only this time it was from me. At 28 she got into drugs, my loss in 1 year was over $10,000. I was just so devistated and beat down.
      The few people I did confide in said trivial things like "why do you allow that, keep your stuff private, make her pay it back". So to hear you say you have a safe in your room sounds normal to me. I have a lock box in my car, I can't even bring mu purse in the house. I live with my keys on my person 24/7. Of couse there are times when I need my purse in the house and forget to be hypervigilant about putting it away. The longest she has gone without stealing from me is 8 months. I stopped being devistated a long time ago(it accomplished nothing) now we talk about trust and natural consequences. For me the trust issue goes a long way. When she wants something or wants to go somewhere or do something I simply ask her if I can trust her with it. Surprisingly most of the time she will say no mom.
       I'm not sure how much you know about tough love, detach with love, natural consequences. All these things work for me. They help me keep my boundaries particularly with the house rules.
       Keep coming back here it helps so much, so there is so much to learn. Being able to hear all the gazillion things that others have tried, being able to pick and choose which suggestions you want to try, it's great. The love and support are amazing. Don't loose heart Lotus Bk9