DangerDubz
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 1
|
 |
« on: November 16, 2017, 11:41:51 PM » |
|
Greetings!
After my rocky relationship of 15 months ended, I tried to understand the mental illness that I knew my girlfriend was suffering from. While she tried to hide a lot of what she suffered from, inevitably I knew (though didn't fully understand) all of her symptoms.
After a painstaking search, I realized that she must have BPD. The symptoms are so incredibly specific, even with the variations of type, and I (perhaps foolishly) suggested to her after about a week of break-up that she might have BPD. Of course she melted down. The last thing anyone with BPD wants is to be told that they might have it. It was irresponsible, but I was afraid that she would never get proper treatment without seeking a real diagnosis from a professional, and it was clear that she wasn't getting one from her therapist. She agreed to see me, and we hugged and cried and bid a somber farewell.
She was brave enough to discuss the possibility of having BPD with her therapist. Sadly, her mental health professional is legally unable to provide a diagnosis and had recommended another provider before this conversation and has continued to suggest an alternate provider ever since. Her therapist was trying to provide her with DBT exercises literally since her first appointment (homework, breathing exercises, zen garden, ect.) My ex somewhat comfortable with her therapist, unfortunately, and I don't think that she'll seek a true professional. DBT should really be a combination of weekly individual sessions and group, and without a diagnosis, my ex won't get the proper treatment, I fear.
While she had discussed perhaps attending DBT group in addition to seeing a specialist, she has not. Of course, the first step is to talk to someone who can diagnose her, and she's naturally afraid of that and what it could entail. Depression is so much easier to accept. BPD carries weight and stigma.
Fast forward 6 weeks after the break-up, and she still calls me when she has an episode, as recently as last night, and I believe she's dissociating to some degree. Her dissociative episodes aren't textbook, from what I've understood. She claims to be dying or feels like she's about to die and that nothing matters. Typically, she barely talks and breaths heavily on the phone while I tell her about the things in my life as a way to distract her, if possible. Usually she has these flashes of realization and feels ashamed for calling her ex boyfriend and tries to abruptly end the call. By the end of the conversation, she usually ends up lashing out.
The first question I'm really looking to have answered is this: what should I do if she calls or texts? We've communicated off and on since our break-up, and we've both tried to end communication. At the moment, we're trying to avoid contact. We've had our issues where I thought I would have to block her because she would call, breath heavily and hang up. She was at a point, once, where she would say anything to keep me on a hook to avoid finality and losing an outlet like suggest possibly making "promise pacts" to avoid others and to give her time to decide if she wants to get back. But she realized that this was unhealthy for both of us, because she feels that we really can't date until her mental health gets back on track.
Additionally, is it even a good idea to try to get her back right now? Her mental health needs to come first, and is it possible to go through initial recovery and have a partner?
No matter how hard she's tried, she ends up calling me during her really serious episodes. And, considering that she's going through a break-up with BPD, she's handling this infinitely worse than normal. And, despite our rough patches, it was a very loving relationship and things are very painful on both sides. I really think she broke up with me to both protect me and to try to stay on a more even keel. However, she's really in the grips of the BPD, now.
She's barely talking to her friends, isn't being nearly as social as she used to be, lays in bed and sleeps a lot, is leaving work a lot. She (at least claims) that she told her mom that she might have BPD and her mom (a physician but not psychologist) doesn't believe her. Her mom, actually, very likely has some form of BPD, herself, as she's struggled with mental health and comes from a long line of mentally ill relatives.
I honestly don't know what to do. I'm concerned for this great person who used to be my friend. But I can't handle the lashing out without the good, and it breaks my heart to know that she's drowning. There's a part of me that thinks that I should just avoid answering her calls, because she barely even seems to realize that she calls me during these episodes. And, while there's a chance that some good or relief can come of her calls, there's always the chance that she ends up lashing out, and that negativity is too much for me as I'm still dealing with the pain of this break-up, myself.
She doesn't seem to have any grounding exercises to work with in those moments, and my voice helps bring her back. As far as I know, she doesn't cut or burn herself, so there's somewhat less risk, but there's still the fact that 1/10 suffers commit suicide. And when she dissociates, she's really not herself and totally out of it. She did point out once awhile back (before either of us had even heard of BPD) that a cut she had wasn't intentional. That caught me completely off guard, because the thought had never crossed my mind. So there's a chance that she might have cut when she was in college. That's when she started therapy because her life had come completely undone and she had totally lost her mind, according to her.
That's a very detailed report for such a simple question, but it honestly feels good to put this into words. I can't tell anyone about what she suffers from. She's terrified that her friends already think she's crazy, so she definitely won't tell any of them and of course fears abandonment and judgement by them. And it would be pretty inappropriate to call her parents and tell them that I think their daughter has a personality disorder. So it feels nice to just say this. Sorry for typing so much.
But, back to the question... .Is it better to answer her calls and help her ground and be a form of support, or just let the phone ring and hope that she's okay? And if I do answer, is there something that I can do to help ground her? Clearly I don't want to trigger any further emotional distress, and I don't want her to lash out at me because there's no relief or compensation like there used to be in the relationship.
Obviously discussing BPD is taboo, and while I've paced myself and traversed the mine field, it's very easy for her to go black on me if I bring it up, so I usually don't when we do communicate. So as far as her getting help and treatment, that's on her. I know that. It just hurts to watch someone that I've loved for over a year waste away and drown. I'm powerless to help, and she's completely in the grips right now. She typically was very high functioning, either quiet or transparent. Usually something along the lines of mild, for the most part. But she's at least a solid medium right now, and I'm afraid that the longer this goes on, the more serious it will become.
Thanks for taking the time to read this. Her BPD ruined both of our lives, and while I'm able to be free and rebuild my life, she's still caught under the current.
Additionally, is it even possible that we could even try to date if she started treatment. I'm afraid that her lashing out just causes her more guilt, and it obviously brings me down. Is there any way that I could possibly prove to her that we could work on this together should she decide to get help?
I would love to date her again, from the bottom of my heart, but is that a good idea while she tries to get help?
Thanks in advance.
|
