BPDexgf has suddenly become very jealous and argumentative

[Sargeras]

I've been maintaining a friendship with my exgf who broke up with me 3 months ago. She's been in a long distance relationship, but when she's up here we spend time together throughout the week. I still have feelings for her, as painful as it is at times.

Last night we ate dinner together and did a bit of shopping. Things were going well until I told her I had plans and had to take her back home shortly. I did not want to tell her I had a date for fear of the exact reaction she had. I eventually just answered her questions truthfully and tried to keep it brief. Things went alright for the rest of the night, but at one point she laughed and said "I like how you were trying to be sly by telling me you were headed out with a friend, hahaha". I just ignored it and continued to try to have a good time with her.

An hour after I took her home, she texted me and told me to tell my date she said "whats up". I ignored this message, and this morning she texted me again saying "I'm guessing you didn't tell your date I said what's up".

I DO NOT want to fight or have any kind of confrontation with her, so I just kept it to a "nope".

I think to myself that she has a lot of nerve asking these kinds of questions and making these kinds of statements, considering it's what she wanted 3 months ago and it is quite literally the situation she created. Does she really expect me to not move on and be at her side like a lost puppy while she leaves for several days at a time to visit her boyfriend?

She continued to text me, questioning me and telling me I wasn't being nice, picking apart last night's scenario and weaving it into something it was not. Once she gets in her mode, it seems as though literally anything and everything I say is incriminating. She clearly wanted to see things in a way that suited her narrative and from experience, I know not to try to argue with her. I was calm, and simply responded with facts.

I ignored her subsequent messages after I felt I had made myself clear and spoken my truth.

I want to maintain our friendship and stay on good terms. I didn't fight with her, but it was frustrating. She doesn't want me to go out with anybody while she carries on with the relationship she broke up with me to pursue? Can't have it both ways.

Is there a more concrete way I could handle this without sparking an argument/egging her on? I don't want to fight with her. I'm tired of that.

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[pearlsw]

Hi Sargeras,

It sounds to me like you are doing a good job by not engaging in arguments with her - that is something to keep focusing on! Do you think it might be time (perhaps again?) to make clear what the expectations are between the two of you in terms of spending time together, but also dating others? These in-between relationship times can be tricky! You are broken up, still have feelings for each other, and are trying to move on all at the same time.

If you want to maintain a friendship what about keeping it pure friendship, no extra stuff and letting the feelings go? Are you at that point yet? Are you ready to spend a lot less time together and break the romantic connection further?

What can you do to clear up the nature of the relationship and establish a healthy friendship that does not cause extra drama?

take care, pearlsw.

[Sargeras]

For the most part, I feel much better about the prospect of moving in than I did a few weeks ago. I've implemented a lot of new changes to our relationship in terms of things that I do and more importantly, do not do.

I feel I'm ready to dial back my contact with her and not initiate so often. I used to call her a few times a week just to chat, but I don't want to do that anymore. It just gives me something to over-analyze and bite my finger nails over.

Things seem much more fluid and natural now between us- I really like the way things have been going (outside of the accusatory state she slipped into yesterday).

It's hard to diminish contact, because it seems like the more I've pulled away, the harder she tries to close the gap between us. She cares more now that I've begun to move on. The irony.

[Tattered Heart]

I would like to second what pearlsw said. For your own sanity in this situation, I think it's important that you have a conversation with her about what is and what is not appropriate if you are going to remain friends. This will be an opportunity for you to share with her how you feel. Just remember when you have the conversation to allow for a lot of validation for what she is feeling too. I would suggest leading with validating her first then move into what you want to say. Remind her that you enjoy spending time with her, that she makes you laugh, etc. etc. and then go into "we need to set some boundaries on our relationship".

What do you think would be appropriate or inappropriate for your continuing friendship? How can you lay those things out to her?