First thread, glad you're here.

[Parents! Get help here!]

Someone tell me it'll get better.

Daughter recently diagnosed with BPD after 8 hospitalizations over the last 14 months.  She was originally being treated for Bipolar 2, General Anxiety disorder, depression, and PTSD.

She's 18.

Reading a book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells", which is helpful, and I can't help feeling like I mishandled a ton of stuff in the last few years.

She's currently in a 90-day program at a residence.

[JustYouWait]

Someone tell me it'll get better.

Daughter recently diagnosed with BPD after 8 hospitalizations over the last 14 months.  She was originally being treated for Bipolar 2, General Anxiety disorder, depression, and PTSD.

She's 18.

Reading a book, "Stop Walking on Eggshells", which is helpful, and I can't help feeling like I mishandled a ton of stuff in the last few years.

She's currently in a 90-day program at a residence.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[wendydarling]

Hello JustYouWait

Welcome to BPFamily community 

You ask tell you it gets better, I can do that, for us it has and is, and will. 14 months of outpatient DBT, 29DD reaching out for support on twitter BPD, a great mental health community, finding her way in good company as she moves forwards, she is not alone.

How is your daughter, engaging, managing her residence programme?

JYW, you are not alone feeling you've mishandled a ton of stuff, it is so confusing isn't it! That said, here I've learnt how to help my DD through the tools and lessons, great resources and support of truly amazing members who understand, I walk with, forwards, with you 

WDx

[JustYouWait]

Thanks for the response, Wendy.

As for engaging, I'm not sure, but I think she's "getting there".  We are only in the 4th week of her stay, and her BPD was just diagnosed while there.  We chose this particular place because they specialize in BPD, and we felt that she was BPD, but no on in the medical community wanted to "tag" her with BPD (being under or right at 18 yo), so they were treating Bipolar 2, Gen Anxiety Disorder, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, and general Anxiety Disorder.

Little did we know that many of those treatments are useless against BPD, and that we were just spinning our wheels.

from what I understand, receiving a BPD diagnosis can be incredibly hard on the patient because it reflects a problem within, as opposed to a chemical imbalance, and at least in my DD case, admitting to a "fault" for lack of a better word, is very difficult.  As a result, I think she has been pushing back against the therapy.  She attempted suicide while in treatment.  The treatment center bandaged her up and for the first time in her life, did NOT take her to the hospital.  That was an eye opener for her.
 
Our protocol is, "if you cut, otherwise self-harm, or have suicidal ideation, we take you to the hospital, followed by an inpatient stay", as we feel we are not equipped at that time to keep you safe.

(that, in retrospect, seems like another mis-handled thing on our side)

Staff at the TC (treatment Center) is clearly equipped to keep her safe, and felt that the attempt was truly in order to avoid the upcoming "difficult" part of therapy (is there an easy part?  Because I'd like to get to that part).

She called last night for the first time in 2 days, which is a departure from what she had been doing (calling 2-3 times per day), and I don't know how I feel about that.  I wonder, after reading some, and more still to go, if I have placed myself in the role of "white knight" for her, which is totally messed up and co-dependent (I mean, who doesn't like being the hero?) another mis-step.

I realize now that I am the one being Idolized and my ex is the one being demonized (I think I read where that is part if triangulation?... .not sure), also a mistake.

Well, listen.  I can look in the mirror and confidently say that we did the best we could have done at the time we did it, with the information we had at the time.  Mistakes were made, I am learning to fix those mistakes through reading, she is in the best place available to her right now, and we will move forward better in the future.

Sorry to puke all of this on you, but this is the first place where I feel like I can fully admit my mistakes and not bee too harshly judged.

[heartandwhole]

Hi JustYouWait,



I'd like to join wendydarling and welcome you to the community. I'm sorry to hear of your daughter's multiple hospitalizations. That is a lot of stress to be under. I'm so glad you reached out for support. You've found a great place to share and get sound advice with numerous resources/skills that can help.

Well, listen.  I can look in the mirror and confidently say that we did the best we could have done at the time we did it, with the information we had at the time.  Mistakes were made, I am learning to fix those mistakes through reading, she is in the best place available to her right now, and we will move forward better in the future.

I think this is a good attitude   We start again where we are and move forward, step by step, learning and loving.

Sorry to puke all of this on you, but this is the first place where I feel like I can fully admit my mistakes and not bee too harshly judged.

This is the place to let it out, JustYouWait. We're here to listen and share what we are learning.

You mentioned a drama triangle in your reply. That is something most of do and it isn't always a bad thing. And a "bad" triangle can be turned around into something helpful. When you have time, check out our series on the Saving board. We are working through exactly this subject with our members:

Triangulation: Our Relationships Affect Our WellBeing
Good and Bad Triangulation

What kind of self-care are you practicing? Do you have a good support system—friends, family, a counselor who are supportive?

Keep posting. It really helps.

heartandwhole

[JustYouWait]

What kind of self-care are you practicing?

Well, I drink.  That was meant to be a joke.  Actually, over the last two years, I've learned that I have 2 kinds of drinking - the "good" drinking" (with others, socially, and not to get to the point where I've done it to deal with or forget the stress, just having some beers with friends) and "bad" drinking", (where I do all of those things).  I've cut out the "bad" drinking, as it doesn't help, and the next morning, all of the problems are there, but now I have a hangover.


Do you have a good support system—friends, family, a counselor who are supportive?

I do.  My wife (DD18 step) is a rock star.  She had, again and again, stepped into the breach, right at my side.  Family is super supportive, although not always perfectly.  There's a lot of "you know what you should do?... .followed by some hare-brained idea of how to "fix" DD.  I currently don't have a counselor, but I'm not far from starting therapy.  I'm a big fan of therapy, I've done t before, and I see no stigma with it, as some do.

[heartandwhole]

Well, I drink.  That was meant to be a joke.  Actually, over the last two years, I've learned that I have 2 kinds of drinking - the "good" drinking" (with others, socially, and not to get to the point where I've done it to deal with or forget the stress, just having some beers with friends) and "bad" drinking", (where I do all of those things).  I've cut out the "bad" drinking, as it doesn't help, and the next morning, all of the problems are there, but now I have a hangover.

I hear you.    I'm glad that you noticed the difference.

I do.  My wife (DD18 step) is a rock star.  She had, again and again, stepped into the breach, right at my side.  Family is super supportive, although not always perfectly.  There's a lot of "you know what you should do?... .followed by some hare-brained idea of how to "fix" DD.  I currently don't have a counselor, but I'm not far from starting therapy.  I'm a big fan of therapy, I've done t before, and I see no stigma with it, as some do.

Fantastic, JYW. The importance of support can't be overstated, and I'm glad you see the value in it, too. I'm a big fan of good therapy, too. Especially solution-oriented approaches.

How are things going over the holidays?

heartandwhole

[JustYouWait]

I hear you. 

How are things going over the holidays?

heartandwhole

Well, I held it together for the most part.  Broke down when I saw my sister and then again when I saw my dad.

It was difficult being at my sisters and not having DD18 with us.  Got a few phone calls, which both helped and didn't at the same time.

Truth is, I missed her.

So, yeah.

I hope your holiday was great.

[wendydarling]

I'm glad you had your family around you JYW, breaking down signifies we are in touch with ourselves, you miss your girl   How's it going today.

[JustYouWait]

I'm distinctively... .meh?  I guess?

I spend a ton of time in the "just fine" category, and then I will tear up at an AT&T commercial, for no apparent reason.  Literally teared up at the end of "Coco" yesterday, because it's all about family.

So, basically... .I'm fine?  I don't know.  Probably drinking a little too often for comfort.  Probably need to see someone therapeutic.  Probably a little reclusive for my taste (but really, I just want to stop.talking.about.it.for.like, 10 minutes?).

Worried about my kid.
Worried about my wife.
Worried about my other kid, hoping she doesn't get lost in the hoopla.
Worried about myself.

So, in re-reading this, "meh" is probably a stretch... .

Thanks for asking.

 

[heartandwhole]

Worried about my kid.
Worried about my wife.
Worried about my other kid, hoping she doesn't get lost in the hoopla.
Worried about myself.

Totally understandable, JYW. This is a very difficult place to be, and I'm sorry you are going through this. 

You probably want to "keep it together" as much as possible for your family, but you really need support, too.

How are your wife and children coping?

heartandwhole

[Enabler]

Stud, you've come to the right place for bountiful knowledge, empathy and deeeeeeeeeeeep understanding. Excuse my use of stud but us men rarely ever get a compliment and I believe you are in need of one. The forum here is honest and challenging and as you will find as your knowledge deepens, you will be asked to look at yourself to understand how yourself and your wife can tackle maybe long held beliefs, to better yourselves in preparation to be even better parents than you already are. I've read and watched a few things about special BPD units for your daughters age group and although some of the techniques sound pretty brutal, there's method in the madness... .for example, parents are not to attend hospital after a suicide attempt... .that makes total sense to avoid attention seeking or an emotional reaction from you, her rescuers. You know how tough this time is going to be and you are doing the right thing coming here for the support AND the challenge, the experienced people here can offer.

I have 3 daughters aged 9/7/4, I have watched my wife deal with this heinous illness for 20 years from 18-38 without knowing what it was. It scares the sht out of me that one day I will be in your position and hope I have your level of courage to keep supporting my daughters.

Quite booze for a while, sit with the emotional pain and allow it to pass... .it will. Feel a small dose of what your daughter feels each and every day and grow in your empathy for her. Keep a clear head and learn new ways to deal with the emotions. I quit smoking in Feb after 25 years... .why?, because it was a source of emotional volatility I didn't need.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[JustYouWait]

My youngest, 15, is probably the most sane about the whole thing - she doesn't really want to deal with it, so she doesn't.  When she asks, we give her the information she wants.  She talks to DD18 when DD18 calls.  Otherwise, she's a relatively "normal" 15 year old - cheerleader, school, social life.

My wife (stepmother to DD18), is a rock star.  She has found a place where she is less and less affected by the daily grind of being a BPD parent.  That's possibly because DD is in residential right now.  A lot of my wife's anxiety is directed for me.  She's worried about the toll this is taking on me.

And I love her for that.