Saw My Replacement

[En1gma]

I saw a pic of my replacement on Facebook. He looked like me except 300 pounds heavier with a beard. Not what I expected to see at all, I expected someone in better shape. Not knocking heavy set people but this guy didn’t seem to be her type in my opinion. I’m assuming she sees him as a safe bet and less likely to dump her.

[ateu]

I saw a pic of my replacement on Facebook. He looked like me except 300 pounds heavier with a beard. Not what I expected to see at all, I expected someone in better shape. Not knocking heavy set people but this guy didn’t seem to be her type in my opinion. I’m assuming she sees him as a safe bet and less likely to dump her.

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I have the same situation exactly.

My ex hooked my replacement within like a week (or maybe just days). She is literaly almost double my size, and I know that is not his type at all. I was also shocked, I had some people in my mind I thought he might turn to after me, but man, was I surprised to see who he is with now!

I think she was easy to pull in to his game, and there are also some other circumstances with her that makes me think he sees it as practical as living with her (material benefits and some other things I won't go into detail).

While I am hurt seeing them together (especially since my ex told me I would be the first to know when he found someone else, then he lies straight to my face and calls her "a friend", he "still loves me", all while I've already seen them on facebook), in some way I also feel sorry for this new girl. She has no idea what she signed up for, and I find it REALLY hard to believe he will stay faithful to her (physical fitness has always been VERY important to him.)

I am really sad and hurt still. And I know she will also be with the time.

Funny thing is he still reaches out to me. He says to me he is not seeing anyone new yet: "Not that I can remember". Yeah right... .Then he even ask me for some money... .and he asks if he can stay with me for a while "to clear my head", because "he loves me forever and ever".

How can they justify the way they behave? I am bewildered. He lies to me (I don't have anyone else), probably to her also (I don't think she knows he sends me "I love you, can I come to you". He lies to both of us, asks both of us to help him with things... .

There is something seriously off with his moral standards.

[itgetsbetter94]

His new "girl" is 14 years older than him, lives thousands of mile away and looks like a walking death. I'm not vain by any means, but compared to her, I'm a freakin jackpot. Weird thing is, I can't even be jealous in the proper sense (and I'm not saying that to fool anybody, I would be only fooling myself). The whole thing is just too bizare.

When I told my psychiatrist the details of their relationship, she said "he is more ill than I initially thought". Nuff said 

[ateu]

His new "girl" is 14 years older than him, lives thousands of mile away and looks like a walking death. I'm not vain by any means, but compared to her, I'm a freakin jackpot. Weird thing is, I can't even be jealous in the proper sense (and I'm not saying that to fool anybody, I would be only fooling myself). The whole thing is just too bizare.

When I told my psychiatrist the details of their relationship, she said "he is more ill than I initially thought". Nuff said 

Itgetsbetter94:

Haha, thank you for this post! You made me laugh while reading it, which is rare these days

"I'm not vain by any means, but compared to her, I'm a freakin jackpot."

Haha, my feelings exactly. I probably would have felt worse if it was someone I could actually see him being in a relationship with, but I have the same feeling that everything that is happening now is just really, really "bizarre".

[itgetsbetter94]

I might be wrong, but I don't think my ex even has any physical preference, or intellectual, or emotional, or any whatsoever... .all of his ex gfs looked and behaved as polar opposites (I knew one of them in person).
I don't think he cares about that stuff at all, he just wants somebody to "love" and to be loved and eventually turn that all consuming love into torture and continue to torture his pray as long as she allows him.

I really wouldn't be surprised if physical appearance means nothing to them. It's the soul that counts, for sucking purposes of course.

[ateu]

I might be wrong, but I don't think my ex even has any physical preference, or intellectual, or emotional, or any whatsoever... .all of his ex gfs looked and behaved as polar opposites (I knew one of them in person).
I don't think he cares about that stuff at all, he just wants somebody to "love" and to be loved and eventually turn that all consuming love into torture and continue to torture his pray as long as she allows him.

I really wouldn't be surprised if physical appearance means nothing to them. It's the soul that counts, for sucking purposes of course.

In some way I agree with you. I have met about six or maybe more (Weird right? Red flag already) of his ex's. They are all very different, so I second that in some way, they just wants someone to adore them.

But I think overweight is the only thing he can't stand. I know some of his ex's were, and he were really trying to force them to eat better. I have heard stories when he searched through her clothes to see if there was some snickers there or something. After she were out he wanted to smell her breathe to see if she ate chocolate.

Really weird stuff. He told me "I needed to bully her a little bit to get her healthier".

Yeah, bullying seems like the right way to approach her weight problem... .

I am more like underweight, and he would also try to force me to take all kinds of vitamines and stuff. Might be seen as caring, but mostly I think it was because he got into a rage if I got sick. Like really, really angry... .not one bit of caring for me.

"You kept me up all night coughing, I can't sleep when you are doing that!"
"I am not having fever like you, but actually I am having a bit pain in my throat so why didn't you prepare me some soup and tea?"
"I told you this would happen if you don't dry your hair properly before going out, why are you behaving like that?"

Yikes... .

This poor, poor new girl doesn't know what's coming... .

[itgetsbetter94]

That girl is probably going through his strict sniffing "no chocolate" regime as we speak. Poor thing.

You can be 100% he'll humiliate her just as he did his previous ex's. Maybe he even chose her because she was "flawed" in his eyes to abuse her and degrade with more flaire and passion than he would someone without such "flaw". There's something undoubtedly sadistic in them, with all political correctness aside. And some bigger girls unfortunately have lower self esteem, which is oh so very fortunate for their BPD significant others.

I have no doubt in my mind that the question of "age" would eventually become a problem in my ex's and his gf's relationship. I know for a fact (his mom told me) that his family would never welcome her and I can see a scenario where he torments her with "but you're so much older and my family simply doesn't approve... ."

It's a perfect scenario for them.

[ateu]

[quote. author=itgetsbetter94 link=topic=317417.msg12916978#msg12916978 date=1511221067]

You can be 100% he'll humiliate her just as he did his previous ex's. Maybe he even chose her because she was "flawed" in his eyes to abuse her and degrade with more flaire and passion than he would someone without such "flaw". There's something undoubtedly sadistic in them, with all political correctness aside. And some bigger girls unfortunately have lower self esteem, which is oh so very fortunate for their BPD significant others.

[/quote]

Yes I am sure their relationship will evolve just like all his others. Now he is in honeymoon phase - while still trying to keep me on the side .

I just wondered, did you at any time in the beginning got a warning from your partners?

My ex actually told me straight up: "If you spoke to girls I've been with they would probably warn you, tell you to back off, and not to be with me - but I am not like that anymore!". But at the same time he said very early on "I am crazy - I have it on paper."

Guess I really need to do some soul searching to find out what made me ignore those very evident red flags. I was in love, sure. But for three years?

[itgetsbetter94]

My ex painted himself as the most stable, most trustworthy, sincere, honest, helpful, generous, modest, accomplished, but slightly shy about his success, hard working and loving person in the universe! I fell for it 100% because there was so many proof to back it up!  

The longer we were together, the more his mask started to slip.

He only warned me about his depression (never BPD although knew he had it).

As the warnings go, he said 2-3x in the idealisation phase "I hope my illness doesn't come back".

I thought he was thinking about his depression. I was ready for that and accepted his depression and the fact that it might occur.

But once he began heavily dysregulating, and him, his family and friends referred to his state as "illness", I thought to myself "what kind of illness from hell is this? This is NOT just depression, it's something else"! (I suspected of bipolar disorded, didn't know about BPD symptoms then).

He turned into a sadistic monster. I remember crying on the phone to his mother when she called me and saying that he's tormenting me emotionally and psychologically. Again, she said "that's the nature of his illness. Try to understand him". "Illness".

My psychiatrist opened my eyes and told me he's showing symptoms of BPD and that depression and other mood disorders often acompany personal disorders, but are not the main problem.

So, he tried ti mask his disorder as long as he could. Maybe hoping that it would never come out or showed again. But it only lasted for 2 months before he lost it.

[ateu]

But once he began heavily dysregulating, and him, his family and friends referred to his state as "illness", I thought to myself "what kind of illness from hell is this? This is NOT just depression, it's something else"! (I suspected of bipolar disorded, didn't know about BPD symptoms then).

He turned into a sadistic monster. I remember crying on the phone to his mother when she called me and saying that he's tormenting me emotionally and psychologically. Again, she said "that's the nature of his illness. Try to understand him". "Illness".

I see, it's a little bit too demanding to ask us to accept some of the things they put us through.

My ex had many other diagnoses through the years, I don't know if some of them were written off but it was BPD, bipolar, ASPD, OCD... .some others too.

I only met his mother once before she passed, but I will never forget it. She was so much more like me than he is. I thought she was a lovely woman, and we had a normal conversation and she looked at me and seemed so extremely tired of everything he put her through. She was there for me when he let me down, even.

She complained about him: "There is always some issues about him, there is always something wrong".

Sometimes I relive that moment and feel deep inside me that I don't want to end up like that. I don't want to be that woman who stayed there and put up with all of his mess. As a mother you don't have much choice, but I have a choice.

His mother were always on my side on any arguments we had. That might seem as a little bit weird, but maybe not since she knows his ways.

He said to me "My mother is constantly saying to me I should be good to you". "My mother said the same thing that you are saying to me."

A grown man should know better by himself.

If he didn't leave, do you think you would have reached your limits soon? I stayed for too long, I think.

[ateu]

Sometimes I feel like I want to reach out to my replacement and talk some sense to them.

But I realise that would only make me seem like the crazy ex They would probably not listen anyway and who am I to invervene... .

They will find out with time, but jeezz, I wish I would have known what I know now from the start.

[itgetsbetter94]

My ex's situation with his mother was the same as you described it. She also said the same words. Identically. 
She also mentioned his father's hair became grey overnight when my ex wanted to hang himself in the house (and his dad survived a war and worked hard all his life- but his son made him gray!). And his sister saying "he'll drive us all to insanity with him!" He tormented his family for years.

I couldn't last in that r/s for another day. Literally.  Not for another second. I was on the verge of suicide. I'd even started to cut my wrist then stopped.  When my psychiatrist told me to go NC immediately, I listened to her because it was no other way. He called me and texted multiple times while I was NC for first few weeks. I had to stay NC to save my head. So there was really no alternative for me.

[ateu]

My ex's situation with his mother was the same as you described it. She also said the same words. Identically. 
She also mentioned his father's hair became grey overnight when my ex wanted to hang himself in the house (and his dad survived a war and worked hard all his life- but his son made him gray!). And his sister saying "he'll drive us all to insanity with him!" He tormented his family for years.

I couldn't last in that r/s for another day. Literally.  Not for another second. I was on the verge of suicide. I'd even started to cut my wrist then stopped.  When my psychiatrist told me to go NC immediately, I listened to her because it was no other way. He called me and texted multiple times while I was NC for first few weeks. I had to stay NC to save my head. So there was really no alternative for me.

Oh wow, I can imagine it, but it still a bit weird how similar all of our relationships have been.

I think I might have to go NC. I wanted to be friends, but then he lied to me about his new girl.

I just had a breakdown and told him I know everything about his new girl, so we will see. I think he will lash out at me, and probably defend himself in some way. Or just say "ok", I don't know.

But I did tell him that I know everything, and if he still can lie to me we should not be friends. I think he will react badly.

Have you find some kind of peace after NC?

[itgetsbetter94]

I'm fine now. Today I had a breakthrough during the class in uni. I was listening to the lecturer and was writting my thoughts on the back of the notebook- all the things my ex's family, ex gf, friends, my psychiatrist ever told me about him and how they warned me... .
Suddenly, I had the moment of clarity.  It's so hard to describe. It was almost like giving a (mental) birth. This 70 (!) days NC were hard, I went 5 times to psychiatrist, wrote about 80 posts on this forum, found out he had another in the matter of weeks, started living alone again, ... ., but today I felt peace for the first time in months. Like- this is over. I hope this feeling will last and remain permanently. I hope this is it finally.

I would strongly encourage you to go NC. It's really the only way to start healing. The sooner you do that, the better. Forget the thoughs about friendship, especially with BPD ex... .
My ex remained friends with his ex... .I should better not describe how he keeps f******with her head post festum

[ateu]

Really happy you are doing better! And you are probably right... .I have some moments of peace each day when I feel like who I was a long time ago before we ever met.

70 days is great! I guess we must keep them away, it's just in some way it feels like a defeat to say he has such an influence on me... .even though I know he does.

I also hope you can move further and leave him behind you. I am sure you can and that you future will be better, maybe even as you have this experience, you will not settle for something like that again!

For me, I am just curious to see how he will explain his new girlfriend to me next time we'll talk   He will probably try to twist it in someway, like I didn't understand what he meant when he said that "he wasn't seeing someone"

I guess it's called gaslighting, maybe I should rewatch that movie

I wish you all the best to move forward, and just send me a message if you need to talk, I know where you are coming from for sure!

[itgetsbetter94]

Thank you dear
You can also msg me anytime!

Thank you for your kind words and wishes, yes, I do hope things would get better. This time next year we'll be millionaires! (Or at least have someone normal in our life! )

Whatever he says, don't allow him to mess with your head and gaslight you. Use this knowledge about his new gf and catching him in a lie to give you boost to leave holding an upper hand and on your own terms.
I believe it would give you a sense of victory if you totaly disclose him in his lie, shake your head, smile, wish him all the best and walk away proudly. You've been given the opportunity many of us did not have. Use it wisely.

[ateu]

It's a great idea to walk out like that, I will try to stay strong

I haven't gotten an answer yet to the last message I wrote about wishing him and his girlfriend all the best, but that I can't be friends with someone who lies to me over and over.

I have spoken to my friends about him, but it seems like they don't get the full extent of his mental problems. "Maybe you will reconnect in the future", "Maybe he just a bit indiscrete socially", "You can not see a person as a diagnosis".

Well... .you should not see a person as only a diagnosis, but if you haven't tried a BPD, I would not listen to your advice.

It would be really lonely without this board.

[En1gma]

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. I have the same situation exactly.

My ex hooked my replacement within like a week (or maybe just days). She is literaly almost double my size, and I know that is not his type at all. I was also shocked, I had some people in my mind I thought he might turn to after me, but man, was I surprised to see who he is with now!

I think she was easy to pull in to his game, and there are also some other circumstances with her that makes me think he sees it as practical as living with her (material benefits and some other things I won't go into detail).

While I am hurt seeing them together (especially since my ex told me I would be the first to know when he found someone else, then he lies straight to my face and calls her "a friend", he "still loves me", all while I've already seen them on facebook), in some way I also feel sorry for this new girl. She has no idea what she signed up for, and I find it REALLY hard to believe he will stay faithful to her (physical fitness has always been VERY important to him.)

I am really sad and hurt still. And I know she will also be with the time.

Funny thing is he still reaches out to me. He says to me he is not seeing anyone new yet: "Not that I can remember". Yeah right... .Then he even ask me for some money... .and he asks if he can stay with me for a while "to clear my head", because "he loves me forever and ever".

How can they justify the way they behave? I am bewildered. He lies to me (I don't have anyone else), probably to her also (I don't think she knows he sends me "I love you, can I come to you". He lies to both of us, asks both of us to help him with things... .

There is something seriously off with his moral standards.

Wow, my ex lied to keep my replacement secret to. I just found him out and had a huge falling out. I called her out and now I’m blocked. My initial thought too was, “I feel sorry for the new guy.” I meant that too, he’s going to be shattered.

[ateu]

Wow, my ex lied to keep my replacement secret to. I just found him out and had a huge falling out. I called her out and now I’m blocked. My initial thought too was, “I feel sorry for the new guy.” I meant that too, he’s going to be shattered.

yes, even though it hurts in some way we should be happy we already went through it and saw through them. For our replacements, a long time of gaslighting and betrayal awaits... .

I have also called him out on having a new girl, I didn't feel like pretending anymore. He didn't answer me yet, maybe he won't answer at all. I can also see him lashing out though, we will see.

How are you doing now?

[morningagain]

His new "girl" is 14 years older than him, lives thousands of mile away and looks like a walking death. I'm not vain by any means, but compared to her, I'm a freakin jackpot. Weird thing is, I can't even be jealous in the proper sense (and I'm not saying that to fool anybody, I would be only fooling myself). The whole thing is just too bizare.

When I told my psychiatrist the details of their relationship, she said "he is more ill than I initially thought". Nuff said 

     

you made me laugh, itgetsbetter94!  but i still am not very fluent in emoji... .

my wife was shacking up with an unemployed homeless alcoholic when i left the state... .

BPD's have such intense pain, and they do anything from blaming, to running, to ? in vain attempts to escape their emotional pain... .

[ateu]

Whatever he says, don't allow him to mess with your head and gaslight you. Use this knowledge about his new gf and catching him in a lie to give you boost to leave holding an upper hand and on your own terms.
I believe it would give you a sense of victory if you totaly disclose him in his lie, shake your head, smile, wish him all the best and walk away proudly. You've been given the opportunity many of us did not have. Use it wisely.

He said that he kissed her for the first time this weekend and he was planning to tell me (yeah, right... .). I said to him I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth... .and of course he reacted badly.

He "needed" her attention, he wanted to come to me... .all just a load of crap if you ask me.

He has now written me around 15 messages that I refuse to open.

[En1gma]

I absolutely called out my ex after discovering she cheated and lied to me. I finally found the missing pieces of the puzzle and got the closure I needed. I’m not happy but I feel much better if that makes sense.

[ateu]

I absolutely called out my ex after discovering she cheated and lied to me. I finally found the missing pieces of the puzzle and got the closure I needed. I’m not happy but I feel much better if that makes sense.

It absolutely makes sense. I just wish my ex would admit that he replaced me with her really quick, but he doesn't.

He claims I misunderstood everything I saw on social media. (Her on pictures in his apartment, tagged "at my lover's", pictures of her with his tie on with the text "my boyfriends tie", pictures of her going to him "can't wait to see my boo".)

What exactly did I misunderstand? How come he had the first kiss with her right before I confronted him with what I knew?

I just told him he is disrespecting me by lying like this, when still he is asking to come and stay with me for a while.

But no... .he claims I misunderstood everything. really... .? really?

I don't think i misunderstood anything, I think it is very clair.

Btw, I can now see he asked his new girl to make her fb-page private. Lol.

[En1gma]

It absolutely makes sense. I just wish my ex would admit that he replaced me with her really quick, but he doesn't.

He claims I misunderstood everything I saw on social media. (Her on pictures in his apartment, tagged "at my lover's", pictures of her with his tie on with the text "my boyfriends tie", pictures of her going to him "can't wait to see my boo".)

What exactly did I misunderstand? How come he had the first kiss with her right before I confronted him with what I knew?

I just told him he is disrespecting me by lying like this, when still he is asking to come and stay with me for a while.

But no... .he claims I misunderstood everything. really... .? really?

I don't think i misunderstood anything, I think it is very clair.

Btw, I can now see he asked his new girl to make her fb-page private. Lol.

My ex wouldn’t admit to it either, it doesn’t matter though. I have a photo and she slipped up by revealing when she actually met him (probably drunk when she slipped up). She knows she’s lying because she immediately blocked my number and unfriended me on Facebook. I think she’s afraid of it getting out.

[ateu]

My ex wouldn’t admit to it either, it doesn’t matter though. I have a photo and she slipped up by revealing when she actually met him (probably drunk when she slipped up). She knows she’s lying because she immediately blocked my number and unfriended me on Facebook. I think she’s afraid of it getting out.

Yeah, he is the same, I don't know what he's playing at.

It's really fascinating how they think they can get away with it even though you have proofs. Everything that is going on is really bizarre.

I wouldn't even mind - we just made this deal that we should be honest with each other. Seems like that was too much for him to bear.

I just don't see why even bother to try to explain it away. I already saw tons of things she wrote and things he responded to. I have seen picutres of them all over each other.

But no... .I misunderstood.

Jeez, these people really do drive you insane.