How can I stay? How can I go? How do I handle this latest BPD situation.

[fedup2017th]

Hi:

I haven't posted in a month or two being I have been doing pretty good with squashing any conflicts before they start. Like a typical battered husband or wife, I also feel that if I just don't say stupid things then conflict will not happen and I will be able to have an amazing life with my beautiful wife and my children.  THe problem is I didn't say anything stupid or horrible and tried to squash it but she has now not spoke to me for well over a week and has thrown a lot of hurtful comments along the way, in between not talking to me.

Quick rundown. My wife and I were playing clue with my son. She won and then left the table telling us to clean the games up. i jokingly but seriously said, lets all clean them up. That was it. I didn't say it in  a mean way. I said it in a all having fun way and lets all clean up. She proceeded in belittling me in front of my son. Calling me some bad names and mocking me. I tried to calm her down and did ask her to please not talk to me like this. She would only get louder and demand I apologize! For what? I did say I am sorry you took what I said the wrong way and I know how hard she works (NOT) but only said it because we all played and we all should clean up. For days, she tortured me and used my son against me by giving him so much attention and kissing him over and over which is just weird that she treats him like her boyfriend. That is for another day. He loves this but also mocks his mother behind her back which I correct him due to not wanting him to start to feel her wrath.

Now, for the last 2 days, she has that loving look (no longer mean look) but won't talk to me unless "I apologize" for being so mean to her. I have tried to appoligize for how she felt but careful to not take blame being this would warrant her behavior as acceptable.

Please help me, how do I proceed. She will never budge until I apologize. This is just to get her talking to me. It does not even discuss how she spoke to me and ramifications for it. How should I handle this? Please help.

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[virtualfriday]

Extremely stubborn would describe my wife as well... .I don't get it, she lacks sense of self a lot of the time but than seems to cling onto chunks of bad or terrible logic like they are family heirlooms at other times.

Crazy me says apologize, give her an early x mass present. Its her reality and you probably have no chance of changing it, jump in and play the part of the guilty apologetic spouse. While I did that I would use it as a learning experience about her soaking up everything, the expression on her face, tone in her voice, how long it took and how she replied to you.

If it were my wife I would have to be careful as I would be expecting her to be very appreciative of my apology, especially for something I did not do. You just cant forget she still could come at you with an emotional left hook you never seen coming that will take you off guard and ruin the whole thing... .so be prepared for a "you always act like that" "you should have apologized sooner" type of phrase... .and just add it into your gift to her.

[Tattered Heart]

Hey fedup,

Sorry that a nice family evening went south. I think you said well in that whether you say nothing or say something, your wife will get upset. So... .if she is going to get upset regardless, why not say something?    At least you will get to be heard.

Saying it has to be done in a way that she can hear it though and that's often with using SET . Remember, it's not about the reailty of the situation, it's about what she feels. If you can get her past feeling, then you can get to reality.

So in regards to her not talking to you, what do you think she felt when she got mad? If you aren't sure, ask her and then validate what she felt. I absolutely would not apologize for asking her to pick up with you. There is nothing wrong with that.

"When you got upset while we were cleaning up, what were you feeling at that time? It's important for me to understand what you were experiencing."

Then you can go into:

"I enjoyed our evening playing games together. When we have family nights like this, I think it's only fair if we all helped with clean up." or "I understand that you were angry. I don't like it when you call me names though. It's hurtful and mean."

Can you practice something like that here before you go talk to her about the ST?

[fedup2017th]

Hi and thank you virtualfriday and Tattered Heart for your quick replies. I really need to be communication this with someone.

First, virtualfriday, you have great points but wouldn't apologizing make her feel she was right and then have no problem exploding on me in the future? ALso, make it seem to her that I was really the jerk that she remembers. I want peace but also want her to somehow realize what she is doing.

As far as the left hook, I did this once before and she tried to get me to apologize to our son! She does this because he can see how she acts and wants him to then realize it was me.

Tattered Heart. Thank you also for your quick reply and great points.

I know why she got mad. She first said that she did so much work and how dare I ask her to do anything elses (meanwhile I work and do 100 times more then she does). The reason she is mad now is because she treated me like crap in front of my son. The way her mind works is that whever she does something like this to me, she remembers me doing it to her. Therefore, anytimne she is brutally mean to me, she feels like the victum and that I did it to her. She NEVER remembers specifics, only that I was a jerk (PG version of what she says). SHe also is mad that I treated her like that in front of our son, again, even though it was her who did.

Thanks again for the quick reply!