RapunzelGnome
Fewer than 3 Posts
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 1
|
 |
« on: November 20, 2017, 03:10:09 PM » |
|
Hello, I'm hoping to find resources to help me improve my living situation and relationship. I'm 32, an artist/musician, and I have no children. I've had a complicated history... .
I was married for ten years. I thought I had a good relationship... .we never argued much and had a peaceful home. My husband and I were musicians and we worked well together. I really thought we were a good team. However, there were some things that it seemed like he was hiding from me, but he always had a way of convincing me that I was the crazy one for suspecting that something was amiss. Finally one day while he was taking a shower, I discovered he had a second cell phone which started ringing in his bag. Looking thru the secret phone, I found proof that he had been cheating on me, both carrying on a relationship with an older woman in another city, and hooking up with random men/women/transsexuals thru craigslist and Facebook. When I confronted him about it, he up and left town, running away from me, from the truth, and all his problems. He left over a year ago, and our divorce was finalized about 3 months ago. As traumatic as this experience was for me, it is not the reason I am here for support.
My husband and I had a mutual friend- I'll call him J.- a highly intelligent, creative, expressive musician that we met 7 years ago. The three of us instantly hit it off A. became our best friend. In many ways, he was like a part of our family. J. himself had a complicated backstory, his mother killed herself 2 weeks before his 6th birthday and his father struggles with drugs and alcohol addiction. When we met J., he too was addicted to heavy drugs, but with the help of a methadone clinic, he has been clean for five years. The recovery process was VERY difficult for him, the symptoms of methadone made him moody, depressed and surly. It became hard for him to hold down a job. He lost almost all of his friends during that time, either because they couldn't handle him, or because he had to cut them out of his life because of their own drug use. My husband and I were the only friends that stayed by his side through that time, and though it was hard, it seemed rewarding. He told me about his BPD and the cycles that come with it. He had been living with his father during his time with the clinic, but his father kicked him out. Then, he moved away to a nearby city for a couple of years, though we remained close, communicating by phone, email and visits.
A few months after my husband left me, J. and I decided to become roommates. He had been wanting to move back for a while, and I was unable to pay the rent on my single income. It was good timing, convenient for both of us, and I was thankful to have my best friend there to help me heal after my divorce. I was so proud of him for the progress that he had made since I first met him, and encouraged by how many difficulties he had survived in that time.
Though it was difficult to adjust to living with him at first, we seemed to do alright. We did argue, but I felt that maybe this was a normal amount of arguing for people merging two different lifestyles. Remember, my ex-husband had been gaslighting me for years, giving me a false sense of peace in hopes that I would not dig too deeply into his secret life. I am also in a support group for "Straight Spouses", where I have found that to be true for many people that have gone through what I did. :)espite a few arguments and adjustments, things were good. We soon ended up becoming romantic partners as well as best friends. It seemed like for the first time in a long time, things were looking up for both of us... .we had some stability in our jobs, our home, and our relationship.
That's when he started having trouble at his job. He was a maintenance man for the apartment building we lived at, and the manager started to treat us very badly as a result of the strained relationship between them. She wouldn't put our work orders in and we ended up going the entire summer with a broken AC. He got written up at work a couple of times, never his fault he claimed. J.'s stress level became very very high, and his BPD "crisis moments" became more frequent. I was surprised by the level of hate he seemed able to throw at me one minute, while grasping for affection the next. When my lease was up, we decided to move to a smaller cheaper apartment.
We found a place where he could work as a groundskeeper and get a significant discount on rent. The downside was that if fired, we would have 3 days to vacate our apartment. It seemed like the only good option we had, as we were running out of time to find a place that would take us... .he has no official rental history, and my credit was nearly ruined in my divorce. Both of us are pretty low income, so our options were slim and time was running out. We took the chance and signed the lease.
The move was traumatic. I had been in the apartment for ten years with my husband, who had left all his junk behind. :)ownsizing was emotional for me. The week of the move, J. injured his shoulder and said he was unable to help move anything. I doubted this was the case, but kept my doubts to myself. My two female friends and I ended up moving everything ourselves, furniture and all, as well as packing all of his things. He was very unhelpful, but claimed that the stress of starting a new job and being injured prevented him from helping. We fought constantly through the move.
Once we moved into the new place, things took a significant downturn. The arguments were more and more frequent, and much more heated. Under the stress, I had quickly lost my patience with his disrespectful comments and entitled attitude. Things that I once let go and forgave when we were friends became difficult to brush off. Being isolated from any other friends or family, the brunt of his wrath was now focused on me and only me. The new neighbors have complained about the noise of our arguments, causing a tense and unfavorable atmosphere. I am afraid to stand up for myself for anything because it may result in a temper tantrum on his part, causing the neighbors to complain again, getting us kicked out. He also HATES his new job and boss, and the troubles of his last job have followed him here. Only now, the threat of having THREE DAYS to move (after such a traumatic move just 3 months ago) adds stress and burden onto his shoulders and he takes that out on me. The symptoms of his BPD seem more apparent to me now than ever before.
He has never had stability or commitment like this in his life. Usually when things get to this point, he is on to the next town, next job, next girl. Now, I can see the struggle in him as he desires with his heart to stay and fulfill all his commitments but fears that he is sabotaging himself in the process. He seems almost powerless to control his anger.
As for me, the stress has really gotten to me, affecting my physical and mental health. At times I want to leave, but I have no place to go. Other times, I am committed to not leaving him, as so many others have done. I have decided to do my best to learn not to be reactive and defensive to his personal attacks, but sometimes I feel that my spirit is breaking when I allow him to disrespect me, or my things. I feel I can't say anything to him or express my pains to him because he lacks the empathy to understand. He only reacts defensively and aggressively, resulting in noisey arguments. Many days, I feel rage building up but I feel trapped in it. Resentment grows in me and I don't know how to handle it. I know that if I can't learn to control this somehow, I will not be able to stay with J. peacefully, but will only compound the stress and problems we face together. .
He does not have insurance, nor can we afford therapy for him, but I worry that even if we could, he would not go. He doesn't trust therapists and often blames his mother's treatment for her suicide (she was going through hypnosis regression for childhood abuse at the time of her death). I know that I cannot change him, but I can change how I react to him. I can do what I can to create a peaceful home life. But it is hard in the moment. And it is difficult under our current circumstances.
But that is why I'm here. I'm hoping to find resources to learn what I can do to help this situation and to cope with things when it gets bad. I'm willing to put in the work it takes.
|
