A rock and a hard place

[lostandconfused6]

The last few weeks have been fairly good, with us then last Wednesday evening he had a surprise quiz and all heck broke loose he took it all out on me and I was painted completely black then the couple days that followed it was back and forth between black and white. Friday evening I couldn't take it anymore I had been nothing but supportive and understanding and validating and he chose to call me every name under the sun and start playing "eye for an eye" as I like to call it. I told him his attitude towards me wasn't necessary and that it hurt my feelings so he says " you want to talk about me upsetting you lets talk about what you do to upset me. I am so sick of other people coming up and talking to you while you're at work and on the phone with me it's my time to speak to you and it better never happen again or I will snap on you every time it does"

My response was "how can I control that?" he said "I don't know and I don't care figure it out" I called him out and said "you are just trying to look for something to flip this around on me to justify the way you are treating me like crap and it's not ok for you to bully me out of my feelings" he was surprisingly receptive to this and almost instantly turned into a different person. Fast forward to Saturday night he's at my house I asked a question about his prescription bottles the rage started instantly he hates me i'm annoying he can't wait until I decide to finally leave him because he doesn't love me he only stays with me because i'm psychotic and he doesn't want to deal with what will happen if he leaves me and he tells me all the good things he tells me to shut me up and the way he looks at it I chose to stay with him after his involvement with that other girl.

I walked out of the room went into my spare bedroom on the other side of the house and cried I got myself together and went and sat on the couch and turned on a Christmas movie. He came out about 45 min later and asked if I was going to sit there and be mad all night. I responded and said your response wasn't ok and there was no reason for it I calmly asked a simple question. He said he just gets on edge and frustrated and I nicely said I am very careful about what I ask you and how I ask you and you have repeatedly told me not to be scared to ask you anything because it makes you feel like a monster he said he was sorry and I left it at that.

The next day after he left my house I wrote him a text and basically said when he says the mean hurtful things that he does to me when I know I don't deserve them that it gives me more fear than ever and I hope he didn't mean what he said but if he did I will accept it I just need to know which way is the real one. He said that he didn't mean the bad stuff he says it to make the situation stop and to get me to shut up so he can calm down I told him if he just handles what's going on and doesn't say mean stuff then there is no reason for it to keep going he promised he is working on it and he is going to keep his word about all the things we talked about previous to sat night.

Well come last night he had to go help his dad's friend do something and he told me when he got there and I asked for him to tell me when he got home a few hours went by and I texted him and said still there? he said no I'm doing homework. (one of the things we talked about was him telling me what he's doing and things like that) I said thanks for telling me you made it home... .his response Omg give it a rest. then I responded and said that's not ok for you to say something like that when you didn't keep your word and I was very nice about it and told him justifying what he did isn't ok he told me he isn't fighting with me because it's going to end bad I said it's not a fight a very simple i'm sorry would have done fine he told me I ask a lot more of him then he asks of me and right now he's sick of this bullcrap and I can have fun this weekend because I can count him out... .I haven't heard from him since... .

My question is How in the world do I get him to understand that he can't just do things on his terms and when he feels like it? Also, how he can't get mad and turn into a jerk everytime I point something out? Is It even possible?

I feel like  he's so receptive to everything I say until it comes down to him actually having to do it half the time.

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[Tattered Heart]

On a positive note it sounds like he is trying to be more open to communication. I would say in the scenarios you described that you are doing GREAT in trying to share with him your feelings and thoughts, which in itself can be a huge step. So good job! I'm sorry that it seems to be backfiring. But I think with just a few little tweaks, things might turn around.

Have you had a chance to read through more about SET . I started using this over the last couple months with my H and it has worked SO well. I think it could work for you too.

The first thing I would look at is "I" communication vs. "you" communication. "you" communication focuses on what he did wrong; whereas "I" communication focuses on how you are affected. One puts blame on the other person, the other shares what you experienced. An example of this might be "When I don't know if you are home, I feel anxious because I want to know you are safe."

Secondly, put the focus on addressing him possibly feeling rejected, criticized, etc. before you share the truth with him by using empathetic words such as "You're important to me", "I care about you", etc.

For your scenario, could you practice a way here that you could address his not telling you that he is home using SET and I statements?

[lostandconfused6]

Thank you for your response sorry I am just now replying between work Thanksgiving and black Friday I have been running around like crazy

I try to SET a much as possible I think most of the time I nail it then sometimes it's a total flop... .or I'm not sure how to do it in certain situations with certain topics. I also struggle sometimes with feeling like I am validating the invalid... .my biggest thing is unresolved issues when he says "lets talk about this later " I feel like it's his way of putting it on the back burner I have actually gone weeks without mentioning something in hopes he would bring it up but he doesn't so I do and I get, what I feel, are excuses perfect example he tells me he's going to figure out ways to spend more time with me so I let it go for a couple weeks and i'll ask for something like a movie or an extra night out to dinner and he says "wow I have school you don't care about anything but yourself" and it's just annoying taking 2.5 hours away from studying isn't going to hurt him and Idk how many ways I can say it but the no time together is really starting to hurt me a lot he says "he's setting himself up to be able to give me everything I want in the future" I understand that but where is the compromise now ya know? he seems to understand and is receptive to it then when it comes time to make it happen I get push back... .sometimes I also feel like I'm letting him "off the hook" and I don't know where to go after I set

Sorry I got off track but everyday it seems to be something else popping up

With the I communication I feel like it leaves a window open for him to say "it's all about you and what you want you don't care about how I feel about it" do you think that's likely or am I just over thinking it?

He's ALWAYS saying i'm criticizing him everything I say when he's splitting is a criticism and "he's sick of it" "or I make him feel like a piece of s***" I don't know how to express things without him saying that, but I do feel he needs to be held accountable when he doesn't do something he says he will how do I do that?

I think the way I could have set the situation was

I care about you

I know you have a lot going on right now and you are focused on school

I feel like I put a lot of things I want on the back burner and let them go I would appreciate it if we can find a way to come to compromise on things we both want.

is that right?

[yeeter]

My question is How in the world do I get him to understand that he can't just do things on his terms and when he feels like it? Also, how he can't get mad and turn into a jerk everytime I point something out? Is It even possible?

Thing is, you cannot.  You do not control another persons behavior, you only control your own.  So he is going to do, whatever he is going to do.  And you get to  choose how you will respond/react.  You can point things out to him, he may or may not listen.  May or may not respond.  May or may not accommodate your inputs.

SET at least lets you state your truths.  Dont worry about validating the invalid, since it is not about validating an 'action' or 'event'.  It is about validating his 'feelings'.  And whatever he is feeling is what he is feeling, there is nothing invalid about them (now they may be based on an alternative reality, but they are still what he is feeling). 

[lostandconfused6]

Thing is, you cannot.  You do not control another persons behavior, you only control your own.  So he is going to do, whatever he is going to do.  And you get to  choose how you will respond/react.  You can point things out to him, he may or may not listen.  May or may not respond.  May or may not accommodate your inputs.

SET at least lets you state your truths.  Dont worry about validating the invalid, since it is not about validating an 'action' or 'event'.  It is about validating his 'feelings'.  And whatever he is feeling is what he is feeling, there is nothing invalid about them (now they may be based on an alternative reality, but they are still what he is feeling). 

Your response makes a lot of sense! I guess my struggle is when he tells me I make him feel like crap or like I'm criticizing him and in no way do I see that I am and i'll even ask my mom, therapist, and close friends and none of them see that I am either and it feels like an excuse to me and manipulation tactic to get me to stop talking or to end it. I fully understand that everyone sees things differently and I respect that but I also believe he just makes it up to get his way and to "play victim" he has even admitted to me some of the stuff he does is manipulation... .

By no means am I under the impression that being with someone with BPD is easy but I just hope that at some point it gets better... .I feel there are so many small things he can do to make his life easier and get into more of  structured routine and to make things better with us and sometimes he is very receptive to doing them then it comes down to it and he either acts like the stuff was never said or he says "i'm trying" but yet I see nothing that would support he has been trying or even thinking about it.

1 of our biggest problems... .well I guess mine more so than his... .  and I can't figure out how to SET what he feels about it or if that's even the right approcah to it is that i'm not allowed at his house because of his parents and the way they act and i'm not okay with not being allowed over there and it is making things very hard on me... .I feel there needs to be a compromise... .I don't want to be over there all the time by any means but I shouldn't  be banned from the house completely... .do ya'll have any tips on how to approach this? it is something that brings me a lot of hurt and stress