Guilt

[Gazelle001]

So my daughter got a BPD diagnosis this summer. She doesn't talk to me anymore, but I get news from her from my other daughter.

My daughter with the diagnosis tells the other that I am crazy and that her psychiatrist tells her I have BPD (she doesn't know I am aware of her diagnosis).

I am scared maybe she is right,  maybe I caused her to have this. Is it possible to have it without knowing it, without having problems with friends or work or spouse?

Everywhere I read that mothers play a huge part in BPD development. How do you deal with the guilt? I thought I had done a good job as a mother, I am devastated at what I could have caused.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[1hope]

Gazelle,
I think guilt is a natural part of our journey as parents of a child with BPD.  I, too, have questioned myself.  I have asked my husband if he sees things in me (since I know my BPD daughter doesn't always perceive things the same way others do, I wondered if I displayed any of these traits).   My husband has assured me that I don't display these traits.   
My husband and I were never abusive with our daughter.  We have had her in counselling since she was 14 (she's almost 19 now).  We have attended counselling as a family, have found programs for her, gone to psychiatrist appointments, and psychologists too.  We found programs through the local mental health agency. 
All the professionals lean towards bullying in elementary school as being the possible root.  At the time, we knew she had friendship difficulties.  We knew she was "sensitive", and anxious.  We didn't know the extent of her feelings, although we have always been supportive of our children, and available to them.  We are a very close family... .but we never knew how much she was suffering.
In hindsight, we didn't always react the way we should to some of her anxieties.  We did our best to help her through anxious moments, using the skills we had.  When it got worse, we turned to professionals.  As a parent, I think that guilt comes with this.  Why didn't we see it?  What could we have done differently?  How could this happen? 
The bottom line: the past is the past.  All we can do is work with the diagnosis, learn as much as we can, support our children, and let them know we love them.

What are you going through right now Gazelle?  Is your daughter getting support?   Are you getting support? 

Keep sharing here... .it helps you realize that you are not alone! 
1hope 

[Gazelle001]

Thank you for your reply.

My daughter has always had problems with relationships, ever since she was a tiny toddler. Wherever she went, fights happened. As a toddler, she would make herself vomit when we would leave the park, throw herself on the floor, etc. I thought the appropriate way to deal with this was not to pay too much attention to it, not to reinforce it. Now I see that maybe she felt it as uncaring. She was also very sensitive to tastes, sounds, chaos, change to routine.

When her sister was born, she was 5 and she was very jealous. They never, ever had a good relationship. As a teenager, she told her sister to kill herself multiple times.

She was always a great students, she just began studying in a very demanding field, and could have been accepted to med school.

Since my divorce from her father, she suffered from anxiety and I sent her to a psychologist. Her temper was hard to deal with: silent treatment, screaming and hitting her sister, not accepting anything that interfered with her routine (I also suspected maybe she is a bit on the autism spectrum)

I met a wonderful man 6 years ago and when I was 7 months pregnant (this Spring) she flipped: she told my mother and I that I looked like a cow, that the father would leave me, that she would drown the baby if ever she had the occasion. In the middle of that, she said things that were not anchored in reality at all: such as that I intended her to take care of the baby instead of studying, which has absolutely no ground in reality: I am on mat leave and I breasfeed, which means I need to be with baby pretty much all the time (I had never even told her she would babysit one second!). After telling me that, she asked me to pay for the pianist for her concert, as if she didn't need to apologize.

Now I realize the fear of abandonment is typical of BPD.

She took multiple pictures of me and wrote "kill yourself" on it and put them up in her bedroom, she told me she never loved me, just needed me for money, that I was the worst mother ever, and that she would make everyone know, and that she hoped that I killed myself when I realized it. She told my mother she wished she died of cancer, she tried to bite her. That she wished she never had to see any member of my family ever, that she had always despised them.

I told her to spend a few days with her father, and she told me if I asked her to leave, she would never come back, and she hasn't. She told her paternal grandmother and father lies about why I made her leave, that I asked her to work full time to pay for everything, that we called her a monster when she refused to , and much other stuff.

It was awful.

I thought of killing myself, but how could I when I was pregnant and had to care for my other daughter?

Now I learned that she flipped on her best friend, who had a restraining order put out because she was harassing her through her friends and family.

I am so scared that I caused all this. That maybe I was too hard on her. I was so young, and I was scared of her temper. I did my best, but maybe it wasn't enough. She told me I should have aborted instead of being a ___ty mother. All I can think of is the good moments we had

I am reaching out for help with a psychologist now. I hope it helps me.

Sorry for the ramblings

[Wanttounderstand]

All of us parents of BPD second guess our parenting skills. They had a "horrible childhood and they hate us",  yet we were just normal parents that can make mistakes. Sometimes I see situations where parents really have done awful things yet all their children want is for them to love them. I don't get it.

My whole identity was wrapped up in being the best mother I could be. I tried never to say anything that would hurt their feelings and provided as many wonderful experiences as possible.  I am shocked to my core that my daughter left our family and has had no contact with us for six months, I grieve, I get angry, I pray that God is using this time to bring her back to himself and us.

We have never tried tough love and cut her off financially, but we are now. Giving her everything and always bailing her out did not work. In a way, being abandoned by her has cut way down on the drama and horrible phone calls we had been receiving.

I understand your  thoughts of killing yourself. Your identity is gone, you can't make sense of what happened, and your daughter has betrayed you. I love though that you have a new husband and baby and another daughter. They just need to be your focus now.

Our daughter has wreaked such havoc in our lives that today for Thanksgiving it was just my husband, my son, and me. But as my husband said, just focusing on each other and our son has to be enough. This is our situation we can't change it(only pray) and we have to go on and live our lives. So today I booked a fun trip!

Please do not try and figure out how you are to blame. The source is the BPD's and they are impossible to figure out. There are many very good but grieving parents on this site. Just know you are not alone and you deserve to find your own happiness.

[Turkish]

My daughter with the diagnosis tells the other that I am crazy and that her psychiatrist tells her I have BPD (she doesn't know I am aware of her diagnosis).

I am scared maybe she is right,  maybe I caused her to have this. Is it possible to have it without knowing it, without having problems with friends or work or spouse?

Given this,  most likely not.  Projection is one typical psychological defense mechanism for pwBPD.  See here for a discussion:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Projection

My mother sent me to therapy when I was 13, my ex when I was 42. Both therapists said that there was nothing pathological about me,  or even close. My mom only told me what the teen T said when I was wondering 36 (gee, thanks). I was sent both times ostensibly to "fix" me.  Both abandoned me after the first joint session.  Both have multiple clinical diagnoses, my ex not BPD like my mother,  but with traits (she has clinical anxiety and depression).

Maybe you did the best you could dealing with a very difficult child from the beginning.  Sometimes was it just trying to cope? I tried to cope in both relationships,  but I don't suffer from mental illness.  

My son was a bit sensitive at a young age as you describe your daughter was, easily triggered.  As my son would say,  "his brain is just wired differently." He has Level 1 autism,  what they used to call Asperger's.

I'm sorry that she's being so accusatory and hurtful.  Could be that she's read something and it may also be blame shifting.  Another core trait of pwBPD is shame rather than take responsibility for her behaviors (not the Dx... .that isn't her fault).

We have tools in the family connections infographic to the right of the board--->

It might be a good place to start.  

Turkish

[Gazelle001]

Thank you so much for your replies. It really helps to know I'm not alone.

[beady]

My GP has a family member who has BPD, along with another that has schizophrenia. So, she not only can give advice, she has practiced it. I also have 2 children, one who is schizophrenic, another uBPD. Lots of guilt experienced here over the years; lots of time spent ferrying children to and from counselling.
Never once was I taken aside and told I was doing a poor job raising my children.
It used to be thought mothers were the cause of children developing schizophrenia. Thankfully this theory has been laid to rest. My GP believes that current BPD causative theories will shortly be shown the same conclusion. If you think about some of the horrific tales in the news of child abuse, you will notice that not all of the abused children end up failing to thrive. Some continue on to be great people despite their terrible experiences. It seems to me, to be more of a failure to be resilient that at least contributes to BPD. Their inability to bounce back from the every day knocks and blows (figuratively) that we all encounter in our lives.
Who knows, really. BPD has many facets. Like schizophrenia and autism, it appears on a spectrum. I expect, and have read, of tangible, physical changes in the brains of those suffering BPD. I believe it will soon be accepted that the 'poor parenting' theory will soon be proven to be false. 

[beady]

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/28632202

A paper recently published showing some promise into causes of BPD.

[1hope]

Gazelle,
Have you read faith69's new post from November 26?  I found the part about projection really informative.  Seeing that a lot with our daughter, now that I think about it! 
1hope