barely keeping it together

[Lady Itone]

It's almost 2 weeks since our last and longest breakup (we're together on and off almost 2 years.)

On Wednesday, we did a couple's therapy session after not seeing each other a week and a half. We explained the escalating violence of our fights and I told the therapist that I need off the roller coaster. We both said we didn't think we could handle no contact and were hoping for something closer to conscious uncoupling, so the therapist gave us some tips for accomplishing that. My whatever she is now girlfriend ex whatever, she actually is handling this pretty well, she seems to be keeping up her routine and medications and trying to reach out to the few friends she has. She acknowledges my hurt and anger and realizes she's been unable to hold up her end of a relationship. She seems to genuinely want to make amends to me, and to do whatever she can to make it right for me--even if that means staying away.

After therapy, we went to lunch. I had two glasses of wine and just lost it. I couldn't stop bawling, my emotions completely bottomed out. She came over a bit, she had some things she needed to get anyway, and she held me in her arms and comforted me, then she left when I pulled myself together.

We decided not to spend Thanksgiving together as we'd planned, she lives far away enough that it would've meant she'd have to sleep over, and that seemed like a bad idea. I always get holiday depression, and I was pretty close to crises yesterday on thanksgiving. I worked a double, so wasn't able to attend any of my friends house parties which took place during the day or early evening. When I got off work, I went to my favorite bar since they were putting out a spread and I knew I'd find friends there. She texted me that though her housemates were having a dinner, she was feeling bad and hiding out in her room

I ended up going home with a friend of mine, a guy I used to date for 8 months before I met my girlfriend. He started rubbing my neck and it just felt so good to feel someone's touch, I was missing my love so damned much, and I couldn't bear to spend another night alone.I'm not sure if there'll be drama if I tell her, or if I even should tell her--technically, we always had an open relationship, but I never found anyone I wanted to act on it with the whole time we were together.
I guess I'll play that by ear.

Anyway, she had planned a trip to Art Basel in a couple of weeks, already bought the hotel, etc., and she still really wants me to go with her. I understand that she doesn't have anyone else to go with, and she doesn't want to go alone, and I was really looking forward. I'm torn between thinking we can totally do this and be friends and be ok, and thinking I'm just setting myself up for more pain and disappointment. I can't stop thinking about sex with her, I know I'm going to want it.

I'm hurting, just going through my obligations, feeling empty.  I've gone through some really painful breakups over the last few years. Three years ago I left a 16 year marriage. Then, the first woman I dated in 20 years turned out to be NPD. It was only a five-month relationship, but it took me a long time to get over. Luckily, the guy I went home with last night was a relatively easy breakup, our vibe was always more friends than passionate.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Mutt]

Hi Lady Ito e,



I’m sorry that you’re going through this  A break-up with a pwBPD can re-open deep emotional wounds, it’s a very distressing experience. I feel your pain.

Luckily, the guy I went home with last night was a relatively easy breakup, our vibe was always more friends than passionate.

You’ll get no judgement from me but I recall what a social worker told me during my break-up, he said to spend time with family and friends people that love you unconditionally. Perhaps your ex made you feel better and made you forget about your stbx, if only temporarily.

Are you spending time with family and friends?

[Lady Itone]

I don't live around family. I spend time with friends but it's not the same as spending time with a lover. The guy I went home with I consider a friend, so I felt safe and cared for, at least, though the sex itself was umremarkable. Didn't shake my longing, though it was nice.

[babyducks]

Hi Lady Itone

I am sorry you are going through this difficult period.    I remember periods where, like you described,  my emotions "bottomed out."     During one difficult spot I lost 15 pounds and had trouble sleeping.

Mutt  said these relationships can open old emotional wounds and he is completely correct.   These are not normal relationships but usually highly intense and conflict laden.    The breakups are not the usual breakups we expect.    We share a complex and loaded bond  with our ex's/partners.    I would suggest that you look upon what you are going through now as the equivalent of an emotional injury.    And really push the safe care.

Be gentle with yourself.    Take time to take care of yourself.     Make sure you are eating, regularly, 3 times a day, healthy food.    Try for some exercise.    Outdoors if possible.   Long walks.   Being in nature by itself is soothing.   Get some decent sleep.    I needed to get some help with the sleeping, and took medication for just a little while.

What you are going through is the equivalent of an emotional car accident.    Your mood and reactions might be a little off for a while.   You might notice an exaggerated startle response.    Loud noises and fast movements could disturb you or make you jump.   I had regular but odd dreams.   It all means that your emotional processing system is a little overloaded right now and is letting you know.

How are you doing today?

'ducks

[Lady Itone]

Hi Lady Itone

Mutt  said these relationships can open old emotional wounds and he is completely correct.   These are not normal relationships but usually highly intense and conflict laden.    The breakups are not the usual breakups we expect.    We share a complex and loaded bond  with our ex's/partners.    I would suggest that you look upon what you are going through now as the equivalent of an emotional injury.    And really push the safe care.

Be gentle with yourself.    Take time to take care of yourself.     Make sure you are eating, regularly, 3 times a day, healthy food.    Try for some exercise.    Outdoors if possible.   Long walks.   Being in nature by itself is soothing.   Get some decent sleep.    I needed to get some help with the sleeping, and took medication for just a little while.

What you are going through is the equivalent of an emotional car accident.    Your mood and reactions might be a little off for a while.   You might notice an exaggerated startle response.    Loud noises and fast movements could disturb you or make you jump.   I had regular but odd dreams.   It all means that your emotional processing system is a little overloaded right now and is letting you know.

How are you doing today?

Yes, all that--opens up the aching loneliness I've felt my whole life. I'm 45 years old, and no matter how much therapy, prozac, self-help, gratitude etc., I'm still struggling with childhood wounds. I'm much better at self-care and positive thinking than I was at 20, sure, but still never one of the happy, shiny people comfortable with human relationships.

I definitely am feeling brain damaged right now, my short-term memory is shot, my hands shake, and I feel easily startled, angered, or moved to tears. I want to sleep all the time, fighting through layers of cotton to do anything. I've got some prozac left over from a depressive episode years ago, might go ahead and take some if my symptoms don't let up some. I hate the side effects I get from antidepressants though.

This morning I'm working, luckily I love my job (kayak tour guide) then I'm hoping to have enough energy to clean my house and maybe put up my xmas tree--I know this would be a nice thing to do for myself, holiday decorations make me happy. But I'm sad though because that was something we did together last year, and she was so cute and sweet that day and felt like I had a real family. Now I'm all alone again, no one to share my home with.

What does anyone think about the Art Basel thing? Is it possible we can go and have a great time or is it too soon? I'm really torn. She just got some money and is paying for the whole thing. We've taken a few such trips in the past, and always had a great time. I know she's feeling awful too. I believe she really does value me, and knows I'm no good to her broken. She does have empathy--unlike the NPD I dated briefly a few years ago--which is why it took me a while to figure out she was probably disordered. It's likely she'll be on her best behavior, walking on eggshells around me.

When I was crying the other day, she took on all the blame. "This isn't you," you said. "This is me. I dragged you down to my level. You're upset because you did things that aren't natural for who you are." I was shocked at her insight.

[babyducks]

Hello Lady Itone

What does anyone think about the Art Basel thing? Is it possible we can go and have a great time or is it too soon? I'm really torn.

It's kind of a mixed bag isn't it?    My first thought is that typically a breakup of this kind has a lot of volatility associated with it.    A lot of really intense ups and downs.    And from what you are describing you have had all the volatility that you can process at the moment.

I guess, for me, it would boil down to this.   I would have to think seriously about what the worst possible outcome would be.   What would be the thing that, if it happened, would knock me down for the count.    And then I would have to think about what would be the best possible outcome.    what would I want to happen that I would see as a positive.    

and then think about if the possible positive pay off would out weigh the risk of the negative outcome.

Do you think the relationship is truly over?    Are you at the point of letting go?    

I had so many break up / make up cycles in my relationship.   It took me some time to really be done with it.   To really say (and mean it) that this is not a good place for me to be.

'ducks

[Mutt]

Hi Lady Lorne,

I'm still struggling with childhood wounds. I'm much better at self-care and positive thinking than I was at 20, sure, but still never one of the happy, shiny people comfortable with human relationships.

babyducks gave you some pretty good tips on self care. Self care is good and it’s good to do it often. I completely understand how how disappointing that feels when we can’t seem to be happy in r/s’s.

My advice to you, in order to be happy in a r/s with someone you need to be happy with yourself, that’s where self care comes in, show yourself compassion and self love.

Many of us have FOO issues, you’re in the right place. Everyone has something. Have you heard of radical acceptance? It’s a tool that takes practice with coming to terms with life’s hardships.

Radical acceptance is about accepting of life on life’s terms and not resisting what you cannot or choose not to change. Radical Acceptance is about saying yes to life, just as it is.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/pieces-mind/201207/radical-acceptance