Daughter in law displaying BPD traits

[annslee]

Daughter in law has been married to son three years. She was very charming to me and my family before they married. They have been married three years and have a 11 month old son. I no longer know my son he has distanced himself from me and my family almost totally. She allows me to see my grandson once a month and refuses to let me babysit. Very rude when I do visit. Comments do not kiss him, says stranger danger as grandson is afraid of me. Will talk of exboyfriends and how wonderful the babysitter is in front of me and son. Has no friends. Isolates self. Will not allow me to visit without son present. Has unfriended all of my family on Facebook. She recently text me and son and informed me I was not allowed to look at her timeline and grandson's pictures as that was her child. Per her request he, my son and I went to a therapist and she told counselor I walk around make in front of them! Total lie. My son said nothing. I am at my wits end.

[No-One]

Hi Annslee:
I'm so sorry you are going through this situation with your DIL.  The stories that others have shared, about DIL's with BPD or strong BPD traits are very similar.

Social media is generally a source for fights and conflict when someone has BPD traits.  Any comment they don't like can turn into a social media war.  Things will be more peaceful for you, if you can radically accept that you are better off with you and your side of the family not engaging in social media with her.  You might check with your son to see if he has some online photo account that you can have access to. It's possible to allow you access to some online photo albums for viewing and download.  You will have to find your own way to share photos with other members of your family (something that she doesn't have access to)

The harsh reality is that you will likely never have a normal relationship with your DIL.  The only way to avoid conflict is to never have a conflicting opinion about anything and don't engage in arguments.  You may be right about something, but any challenge to her position will be seen as war. 

Many MIL's find that they have to be careful about what they say to their sons.  Some sons will repeat everything their mom says, back to their wife.  Some MIL's end up being totally ostracized. 

The best thing to do is equip yourself with with communication tools.  You might want to check out some of the links in the "Tools" menu, within the large green band at the top of the page.  Also, if you visit the relationship board for "Improving a Relationship With a Borderline Partner", you will find many links to lessons in the right-hand margin. 

Again, I'm so sorry you are going through this.  It isn't fair.  The one good thing it that you are able to see your grandson once a month.  You might be better off if your son is there during visits, as she might be more apt to make up stories, if you son wasn't there during visits.

The only way to move forward, from a once-a-month visit is to be pleasant, offer validation (acknowledging her feelings, even though you don't agree with them), don't argue about anything and support what you agree with and keep silent on what you don't agree with.  Social media that she might view or interact with won't be a possibility without social media wars.  Any comment could be misinterpreted, and any criticism is cause for her to got to battle.  The truth is that you will always be walking on eggshells.  Some people find that starting their own therapy sessions can help them navigate, understand and accept the situation.  Most people never have to deal with someone with personality disorder and don't understand what you are going through.  A professional can offer an understanding ear, guidance and comfort to move forward.