I'm new...

[SprklyUnicorn]

Hello All! I'm new here. Currently my husband and I are having issues dealing with his mother who has BPD.
Here's a rundown and where we are at:
For the last five years we have shared a home with my in-laws while my husband attended law school and got his first job as an attorney. Those years were fraught with plenty of challenges but we kept to ourselves for the most part. My FIL has been faced with brain atrophy and mobility issues which have left him a shell of the person he was just a few short years ago. My MIL the BPD almost refuses to accommodate or deal with his issues and pretty much leaves him by himself almost all day while she goes to AA meetings and shops for things she doesn't need. This goes on everyday. My husband and I were shopping for our first home and had many discussions involving downsizing his parents from their home and what to do in regards to his dad, who we felt shouldn't be left alone like that all day long. Our solution was to purchase a house that we could build an in-law apartment in. We are in the process of having the basement converted (it's a walk out basement, not a dungeon) and what we liked most was the fact that there was a pre-existing separate entrance just to the basement. They will be out of sight, out of mind for the most part. However, their house sold last week and they are both currently taking up space in our guest bedroom while the in-law apartment is being constructed. We are both busy, working adults... .however, his mothers BPD is enough to drive anybody crazy and in such close quarters this is proving to be a challenge. She is very dramatic and heavily narcissistic; nothing is every fault and surely we are all to blame for something that is bugging her on any given day. I employ the Gray Rock method to deal with her, which is to say that unless I absolutely have to interact with her, I don't. I don't offer any details about my daily life and keep a healthy distance in an attempt to avoid any dramatic exchanges. My husband gets very upset and can't seem to contain himself and will sometimes play ball with her, which just leaves everybody feeling drained, anxious, and generally awful. I just don't know how to deal with her; I'm a very sensitive person and an introvert to boot; I get overwhelmed by her presence and find myself hiding in my own house in an attempt to avoid any interaction with her whatsoever. Where can I start or what could I be doing in order to not get taken advantage of or become a doormat in my own house.

[Notwendy]

First, I want to commend you for being so gracious about your FIL's condition. My own father was ill for several years, and I was concerned about how my BPDmother was treating him. I would have gladly had him come live with me, but he was a package deal with BPD mother. She is severely BPD and during the times I visited and tried to help- she was verbally and emotionally abusive to the point where I felt my own sanity was threatened. I needed to balance my wishes to be a support to my father with my ability to deal with her and still be emotionally available to my own family.

In a way, it became a challenge of boundaries. If I had boundaries on my mother's behavior - this upset my father. My relationship with him became contingent on my acceptance of her behaviors and I couldn't do that. I know that for my own sanity, I need some distance with her.

I know you have promised the in law suite, but I also hope that you and your H can discuss a contingency plan in the event that her behaviors become too much to handle. Do you have children? I also felt I needed to have boundaries between her and them- and yet, I also wanted them to know their grandparents. My kids were very attached to their father. It was worth it to me to tolerate short visits with my parents, but when they came and stayed with us for longer visits, it was disruptive.

Again, I think your plan for your in laws is wonderful and kind. I think it is also important for your H to feel he is doing what he wants to do to help his father. For me, I saw my father as my parent, and didn't have the same kind of bond with my mother. I didn't know much about how to manage BPD  and the family dynamics at the time he was ill- and perhaps that would have helped some, but my mother's behaviors are tough to deal with. I think with this plan, it would help to have open and honest discussions with your H about how you will manage the behaviors and what boundaries you will have.

[SprklyUnicorn]

So my FIL is very close with his immediate family. Growing up he was the youngest of three and his mother passed when he was a toddler, leaving himself and his siblings to be raised by a single working dad. The oldest sibling is his sister, my husbands aunt and my FIL and her are especially close, because it was the closest thing he had to a mother. This of course drives my MIL up a wall as she is resentful and jealous of Aunt Bea; she never married and was a nurse anesthetist who did very well for herself. While my Husband was growing up my MIL struggled with alcoholism and Aunt Bea was always available to help out watching/taking care of my husband and his two older siblings. My MIL resents that like you wouldn't believe. Because of my MIL's absence while seeking treatment at various facilities throughout her alcoholic years, the kids developed a special relationship with Aunt Bea.
My FIL has more good days than bad when he's surrounded by family and he truly enjoys seeing my SIL's two young boys play sports and such. My Husband and I have been married about 3 years (together for 10) and are planning on having children soon. My MIL is gone from the house all day, which is why I was okay with an in-law suite to accommodate them. We plan on hiring services to come in and help my FIL out with activities/meals throughout the afternoon. I definitely struggle with boundaries in regards to her as she doesn't recognize any to begin with... .however, she is quite meek about approaching me. Some of our exchanges through the years had me in a position to be redirecting and firm and it seemed to penetrate to her that she couldn't pull manipulative stuff with me as I wouldn't entertain in at all.
However, when she's having manic days, they are intense and bring out a lot of strong emotions with everybody. My husband has gotten better at just walking away but my FIL with his waning cognitive abilities sometimes gets caught up.
I feel like each day is a struggle to outline boundaries; her manipulative tactics and dramatics are over the top at times and can be disruptive. I'm hoping that once the in-law suite is finished, it will provide the interdependence and space necessary to keep her out of our hair.
I work in nursing, I couldn't leave him to be neglected by her all day long and we all wanted to see the best for him... .and dealing with her is part of the package, even though I wish it wasn't.

[Notwendy]

You are a good soul and much better with boundaries with your MIL than I am with my mother. I was unaware and caught up in the family drama at the time - which followed the Karpman triangle. This was an understandably stressful time for my parents ( and me as well). I think in general it is less difficult ( not easy) to deal with someone as an in law rather than a child who has years of baggage with the parent.

[madeline7]

I got into an an-law apartment arrangement many years back with uBPDm and enabler Dad when my children were young, and I could not see through the FOG (pun intended!) at the time, and in hindsight I see that it was not the best choice for me. My husband was able to set boundaries, the children had some great memories but for me it has been a personal disaster. Although everyone in the family was embroiled in the drama, things have changed since the passing of my Dad. And the apartment is thrown up whenever things become challenging for Mom, which as we know can be very often with someone with BPD. We unfortunately have had some financial set backs so are not in the position to get out of the arrangement. I did stand my ground and uBPDm is now in Assisted Living, but I am painted black by most of the family members. I just can't be an emotional caretaker. I understand how challenging your situation is, and commend you on your boundary setting, please stay diligent and take good care.

[SprklyUnicorn]

My MIL is a challenge and those that don't live with her or haven't lived with her, just don't understand. Other people, both in his family and in mine, think that I'm being harsh when I talk about how she is at times. The FOG is thick and both my husband and I find ourselves wondering what life would be like without her; how uncomplicated it would be, and then we feel awful for thinking that. However harsh it is, it's the truth; life for everyone in our house would be easier without her. On the rare occasions that she's gone out of town for a night or two to visit with her cousin out of state, it's been like a gift and his father is truly a different person. To an extent he enables her at times and at other times you can just see the weight of the situation sitting squarely on his shoulders and you can almost feel how exhausted he is. Every last one of us, pets included gets a break when she's not around.
The truth for me, and how I cope with her daily is through benign neglect. It's the gray rock method really; I can't make eye contact with her or engage her at all. For all intents and purposes I try to just pretend she's not there and for myself, I try to be invisible. In the beginning when things were all new and we were unaware of the extent of her instability and drama, I tried to have a relationship with her. However, I caught on rather quickly that if she wasn't the center of attention, that she soon would be and through a series of overly dramatic exploits. Through the years it came together in pieces and it wasn't until she had a huge dramatic meltdown that resulted in her seeing a therapist that we started to really learn. She wanted her husband to go to one of the sessions and he refused. My husband volunteered and it was exactly as we all thought; she hoped that by getting my husband or hers to go, that she could get the therapist to agree with her and put them down. That didn't happen, much to her dismay, and my husband learned a whole lot from the therapist in regards to her continual issues and what the therapist was trying to get her to accomplish on a daily basis; recognizing her triggers and attempting to de-escalate and redirect her energy, etc. That's when my husband came home and told me that I was right about her disorder. As she ages, her personality seems to become more rigid and simple things become Mt. Everest.
People think it's just as easy as ignoring them to get through the day, but the amount of drama and stress that accompanies her is hard to ignore, in fact it's nearly impossible. You don't want it to take a piece of you but it does inevitably. Family members don't want to be around her, his sister doesn't want the kids to spend much time alone with her, and his brother has too many awful memories from when she was a full blown alcoholic; it's an isolating thing having her around.