after years it's hard... I have children with him

[jacq]

Not sure how to begin,
but with this, the control he exerts is difficult, I have two amazing children with him, and a very strict court order for contact. I remenise about the good times, I cringe and fear the bad times, I have fought for four years in court
at a price that would have bought my children a home, I had no choice, the lies were unbelieveable unfounded, had I borrowed the money too fight I truly believe I would have lost my children, he was believed? After the
dust settled it wasn't enough for him, he told me he had to destroy me, he told me he was vulnerable, he confused me for 16 years... .he terrified the children, he used every thing he could against us, and still it continues, my daughter loves her daddy, understandably and whatever has gone between us I support her with this, but it's hard when he uses her emotions against her, I hear what she is going through, and now reconize it as my life with him.
He beat me, he assaluted me, emotionally abused me, he beat me so hard I could not lift my arm for a year, my son refused from that day to see him, and still tries to protect his sister from the chaos, and emotional control.

Unbelieveably after all this I still sit here yearning? after full Multi agency risk assesment states we are in danger,
after he tried to have me jailed, he locked me in a cabin when my baby was in the house, he went too work, he shut me outside when I slipped and hurt myself, he tore my children from me when they cried, he sexually controlled me, I couldn't make their sandwiches in the morning for school without him wanting sex, I couldn't have a bath without him watching me?, he wanted me too have sex with people for him too watch, I wouldn't so was branded a bad wife!
cannot describe anymore it's like something from a horror movie... .
Thankfully I am still breathing and living for my kids, but why would I yearn for him after such abuse?

[scraps66]

This sounds chilling as I read.  Sorry to hear about all this. 

What I found in my four year "marriage"/four year divorce ordeal was that my journal became therapeutic for me.  I no longer maintain my journal, maybe I should, but maybe the journal represents the unending struggle so I no longer want to put the energy out to maintain.

More details when you can.  It sounds as if, just guessing, there were some mistakes made in your case.  This is unfortunate and common in family court.

[ForeverDad]

Sometimes, well, quite often, our head gets ahead of our hearts.  We wished and dreamed we would have a happy relationship and it wasn't, and worse.  So don't be surprised it feels like your heart is betraying you.  Give it time.

The first step(s) out of an abusive relationship are so very hard.  Relapse back into the 'known' past is a real risk.  You need consistent support not you retreat back into the bad times.  That's why peer support, such as found here, is so helpful.  If you don't have regular contact with a DV agency or counselor, then arrange that now.  There's nothing wrong with unloading your concerns and stressors onto the professionals.  That's their job.

And as I wrote above, give yourself time to recover, heal and discover yourself again.  For yourself and for your children.

You will find that over time his reality will have less and less impact on your life.  You'll stop being deer-in-the-headlights pressured by his twisted versions of reality.  You'll more and more realize that you had/have a right to object to his outrageous demands.  You never did have to live your life his way.  (Look up Stockholm Syndrome where hostages felt impelled to defend or side with their terrorists.)