She changes personality every five minutes.

[jo lehno]

After no contact for over 2 months with my wife, finally talked to her yesterday and it was like talking to two different people every five minutes she would go from cold, bitter and distant, to sad, depressed and guilty and sometimes a shy smile... .i had to really think very carefully every word i said to  try to keep her away from her business like, cold talk. Is this normal on BPD´s

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

First, welcome to the bpdfamily. I hope that you receive as much support from this community as I have.



I would think that type of behavior would be common for a lot of people in a similar situation as their emotions fluctuate back and forth. But, it may seem more pronounce with people with BPD traits (pwBPD) because of the intensity of their emotions. It can sure be a struggle for those dealing with the ebb and flow. It sounds like you did a fairly good job of it.

There are a lot of resources and information about communication skills here. It will help if you learn all that you can about BPD. Reading and posting to others around here is a great way to do that. The amount of collective wisdom that can be found on these boards is nothing short of staggering.

How did the two of you leave things?

[jo lehno]

Thanks, actually, i could cope with my wife only after reading many posts here, without that, it certainly would have ended in a fight in just a few minutes. I managed to agree on seeing her next week and just talk, she seemed sad for me to leave but at the same time, would click into a careless and cold distant wife. if i´ve had not being prepared for it, i would go nuts again!

[Meili]

It can all be truly frustrating if you don't know what is going on and/or to expect it.

Do you have a plan for what you are going to talk about?

[once removed]

what led to no contact between you and your wife for two months?

when you spoke, what was discussed?

[pearlsw]

Hi jo lehno,

Glad to hear some of the tools here are already making a difference in your communication. I know when I first started here just learning not to JADE (justify, argue, defend, and explain) and listen and speak to the emotions my h has made a big difference.

Can you provide more details about what you two are struggling with?

wishing you the best, pearlsw.

[jo lehno]

It can all be truly frustrating if you don't know what is going on and/or to expect it.

Do you have a plan for what you are going to talk about?

I thought i had when i left... .but now i really don't know ? i want to try to get together before the holidays because if we don't, that is something it's going to wrong our marriage for a long time... .

[jo lehno]

what led to no contact between you and your wife for two months?

when you spoke, what was discussed?

She has a son from a previous relationship and we have two, but as his son has grown Now 27, has become more and more possessive of her, jealousy and i think it's about time for him to leave and make his own life, as he's always competing with me and she always on his side. So after an argument, i left the house and waited for him to go or else... .now he's gone, after fighting with the two sons we have together, and i'm just looking for a way to make things work again... .and of course she and his son will never accept any wrongdoing or apologizing etc. something i never knew before hearing of BP.  So our last talk i just did not expect anything, just tried to tell her how much i love her and how important family is and say i was sorry for whatever i did wrong... ! And quite frankly, it is all so weird, because it's the opposite of what i thought  i should be...  

[Meili]

You apologized when you aren't even sure what you were apologizing for? That's not the best of plans, it validates the invalid and that is something that we never want to do. I can certainly see why you didn't expect it to go that way.

Can you tell us what happened to your plan and why?

[jo lehno]

Well, I really need some advice here, so as I say before, i am trying to keep family together even as I see this BPD or NPD thing it's frustrating and seems to go nowhere, but I just can not leave my two great boys in the house alone with her. If it is too much for me, imagine how they are suffering her moods. So here is the question: we all can see just how she changes her behavior from one minute to the other, if I would be a religious man, i would think of devil possession, but anyway,  Do you think it will be beneficial to point her out when she changes her behaviour? as she's talking normal and friendly one minute and the next moment, an evil person takes control and says something hurtful or full of anger. Will it help to say something like, ":)arling, here comes the mean you, i'm not talking to that person, lets keep talking to my dear wife... .etc ? Im puzzled, and see no use to just act as nothing happened everytime she shifts from nice to bad... .? Any suggestions or experiences ?  HELP!

[Meili]

How do you think that you would respond if you thought that you were acting normal and someone told you that you were being mean?

Also, would refusing to talk to her when she's saying something that you don't like not be akin to punishing her because you don't like something?

I think that a better plan would be to learn to deal with the emotions with her. To learn to listen with empathy, not invalidate her, and validate the valid. Sure, there are times when things have escalated to the point that it is necessary to exit the conversation, but that's only when other communication techniques have failed and you've reached an unsolvable impasse.

Can you give us an example of what happens? We'll see if we can help you find a different way of handling things.

[jo lehno]

Thanks for your advice, the thing it's we, don't know what to do to make things get better. we all know she's not well and you can see it in her face expression, but even that there are not hard arguments, its just baffling to see how she acts, I give you an example. We are at the table trying to keep a conversation and talking light stuff like talking about a trip we had and we all are smiling, remembering good times and then, out of nowhere her face will twist either with a sarcastic smile or with anger and say, " Well, i just don't remember nothing of that trip" and stands up and leaves the table. Or she would go to bed without saying goodnight to anyone, or go out without saying where shes going or when she's coming back. But the most shocking thing it's how her whole expression does change in a moment and we just do not how to approach her anymore.
 Other times, before she leaves the house, she would call a friend or a relative and say out loud, as so we hear her,  where and with whom she's going and all that, but gets angry if you just ask politely about the same thing... .  Of course, i have not had the nerve to ask her to see a doctor or that there's something wrong... .even that she had a severe depression and suicidal ideation ten years ago and had to get treatment for about a year. So, im just lost.

[Meili]

Suggesting that she get help would likely result in further conflict. The only way that you can help her is if she asks for and wants to receive the help. Until then, all that you can really do is allow her to suffer the consequences of her own choices. Believe me, I know how hard that is to do and how much hurt and sadness come with watching the self-destruction and problems.

I'm not sure that I understand your example. Other than leaving you perplexed and confused by her behavior, how does it actually effect you?

[Sunfl0wer]

We are at the table trying to keep a conversation and talking light stuff like talking about a trip we had and we all are smiling, remembering good times and then, out of nowhere her face will twist either with a sarcastic smile or with anger and say, " Well, i just don't remember nothing of that trip" and stands up and leaves the table.

She could be compartmentalizing her memories via dissociation.  It would explain the mood shifts as well as her stating that she does not recall the trip.  According to structural dissociation theories... .BPD exists on that spectrum of dissociation, however, so do several other things. Only a therapist skilled with dissociation could help you rule out or pin point what type of dissociation is happening.

Yet, many of us will not get official diagnosises for our loved ones... .
The tools and info here is still hugely useful!
Especially since we can only really directly affect our own part of the interactions with others.

[jo lehno]

Well, english it's not my native language, so probably i don't make sense sometimes, but the big arguments are out, i just dont dare to try to get there. in the house are living just my two adolescent boys and her. I left some months ago, but was invited to spend the holidays there.
In the 15 days i stayed with them, i just spend the time fixing things and with the boys, as she refused to talk to me out of the moments when we shared meals. But even as there was not loud voices or conflict, her attitude, her physical deterioration, her kept inside anger just its unbearable. Now that i'm away again,  and the boys alone with her, they don't know how to behave, react, communicate, ask for something etc. one of them just has loose most of his respect to her, while the other keeps his earphones hooked all day and just isn't there. She is more alone than ever and i just see that all this its going to take a toll in this children life. I sincerely want to help all and keep the family going well as always, but so far, i dont see how, because there is no way to express anything without it being misunderstood. She does not trust anyone of us, but at the same time, she's got nobody else to care about her... .By the way, she does not self harm, and i don't think she is suicidal type, even that some 25 year ago( before i meet her) took a bottle of pills and 10 year ago, had severe depression but she asked for help and had treatment as i said. So this is it. a soft, dark turmoil, just like you are next to something you know will explode sooner or later.

[Meili]

Thank you for clarifying.

It's truly sad that your boys and you are having to go through this. There is hope that things can change though. It only takes one person to change the dynamics of a relationship. That means that you can change things.

I sincerely want to help all and keep the family going well as always, but so far, i dont see how, because there is no way to express anything without it being misunderstood. She does not trust anyone of us... .

It is very hard for a person with BPD (pwBPD) to trust. The distrust is at the core of their disorder. They live constantly expecting people to abandon them or that the other person will become completely enmeshed.

The good news is that the fears can be lessened. We can learn different communication techniques that show that we care and aren't going to abandon them. It takes time, a lot of time. But, through consistency in action and words, they can begin to learn to trust.

But, before you can expect her to trust you are going to have to show her that she can trust you. A great way to help that along is to learn to Listen with Empathy. When we actively listen to another person, we actually hear what they are trying to convey and not just the words that they are using. We can put ourselves in their position to better understand what they are feeling and why they are feeling that way. It goes a long way to help the pwBPD learn that you do care.

[jo lehno]

Thanks a lot for your advice, i think i am at flaw with the listening issue, ´cos sometimes as what i hear does not make much sense, or is erratic or circular, i just stop putting attention, i hear but not care very much for what she is sayin, let alone, the feeling o meaning of that. So tomorrow i will try to listen at her feelings and not her words and hope to be able to mend somehow all this situation, Thanks again, you have been very helpful, because not family or friends really believe in this sickness and she... .even less.  God bless you!

[Meili]

You are most welcome. We are hear to support one another because people who have not experienced relationships like these just don't understand.

Something to keep in mind when you are listening to her is to not be invalidating. A lot of people struggle with this because they want to justify, argue, defend, or explain (JADE). We naturally think that if we can just get the other person to understand that somehow everything will be better. When we do this, we make things worse.